Husband is a very Private person. I like to share my emotions. Marraige problems

misspiggy_2

Hi all,
I guess I just need to get everything off my chest. I've been with my husband for 10 years, we have 2 lovely children and I'm a stay at home mum. We've had problems right from the start of our marraige where if we ever argued, I would share my emotions with my family (mum and sisters) and they in turn would talk about it and somehow, he would find out that I had shared things with them. This made him very upset. It also made me very upset as I just wished my siblings and parents could keep my confidence and just keep things to themselves. I've always listened to their problems and kept things to myself, why can't they do the same for me?


So I tried to keep everything to myself, I don't have any close friends, so I have no one else to share my feelings or anything with, but him. Somtimes, this worked, sometimes it did'nt.

I know he should be enough, but why am I so uncontrolled in what I say to people, especially when I know my husband does'nt like it?

The current fall out is over something which I have only just admitted to telling my sister (this happened 4 years ago). He asked me to keep something a secret. Well, I confided in my sister (God only knows why!!). She 'confided' to her husband who then proceeded to tell my husband's brother. My husband's always been baffled how it got out, until this weekend, when I admitted it was me. Now he's angry. He has a right to be angry. He says I've lost his trust he had in me.

He has a right to be angry, right?

Why have I got this problem, how do I help myself? why do I always feel the need to share things with others? why and how can I expect my siblings and parents to keep things to themselves when I tell them somthing, when I can't do the same for my husband?

How do I make all this right?

Is he overreacting? why do I feel like my marraige is now over?

At times like this when he's angry at me, I just feel soo unloved, sooo alone. But you see, my dilemma now? I can't share my feelings with my family can I?

What do you all do when you have an argument with the OH? who do you share things with?

System

When we have an argument he keeps it to himself and so do i. I learned very early on who i could trust and thats no one.

I have one friend who i can tell bits to but i prefer to keep it to myself.

Its no good moaning to your family about your partner and expecting them to be impartial to him when they see him a week or so after.

I also learned not to say too much when my son was having problems with his relationship.... how did i know he'd go right back and tell his girlfriend what Mum had said? I might have stood by what i said but his girlfriend didnt like it much.:D

squidge60

Judi wrote: »

When we have an argument he keeps it to himself and so do i. I learned very early on who i could trust and thats no one.

I have one friend who i can tell bits to but i prefer to keep it to myself.

Its no good moaning to your family about your partner and expecting them to be impartial to him when they see him a week or so after.

Yep this is the same as me and oh couldnt have put it better

Sorry not very helpful maybe come on here and vent

YoungBaker

Wow. I must say I think your husband has every right to be peeved off at you.

I think it is one thing going to your family and maybe venting about things ie. OH is lazy, won't do the dishes or whatever... and having a general moan about things - but I would be very hurt if my wife had to go and pass on secrets I had disclosed to her.

It is understandable you obviously should have someone other than your husband to discuss things with, but you need to start to establish a line between what is acceptable to share and what isn't. Perhaps even if you have a problem in your relationship, or whatever that could be understandable to discuss with your family as you are looking for some personal advice on how you should proceed, how to get through and plod along in the marriage etc. But taking a personal secret or family issue which should ultimately be kept within your martial home I think is unnecessary and borders on using personal details from your marriage for gossip.

Obviously the information you have given us is quite limited so it is hard to judge if he is overreacting or not - ie. was this a deep, dark secret you shouldn't have shared? Secondly, I think part of the reason he will be so hurt is you allowed him to go on for four years wondering how the hell it got out and sat there oblivious to it - when in fact you should have put your handsup and admitted this four years ago.

Imagine how your husband thinks of this - he confides something in his wife and the next thing he knows his own brother knows through his brother in law? He will be thinking everyone is having a good talk about him.


I think you need to seriously sit down with OH and establish just how sorry you are for hurting him and how you plan to make it up to him. You will probably have some serious trust rebuilding to do as he will be hesitant to confide in you again in the future, but just explain you perhaps do hold more disregard for the privacy and perhaps have overlooked his views of keeping things quiet.

Sorry if any of this sounds a bit harsh - but I know from a guys perspective how he will feel as if I told my better half something confidential and I found out half the family new I would be hurt - especially if I then couldn't figure out how it got out for four years and it turned out it was my wife, the person you should be able to trust most, who disclosed it.

misspiggy_2

Thank you Allan_r_123. As much as your post does sound harsh, I know it's true and I do know why he's feeling soo angry right now.

I guess I'm also angry too. You talk about having a general vent to your family. Well, I'm not allowed to do that either.

This was'nt a deep, dark secret. It was just him trying to arrange his mother to come live with us for a month as he wanted to spend some quality time with her. I had a vent at my sis because I was heavily pregnant at the time and it seems that he was more concerned about him spending time with his mother than thinking about me, his family and the fact that finances were stretched already for us. You see, it IS my fault for not telling him how I felt about him wanting his mother to stay with us for a month, but he would've taken it soo personally, that I just thought it better to keep shut in front of him. In the end, it turned out she did'nt come over anyway (other unconnected reasons).

misspiggy_2

The reason why i've not admitted to this sooner and let him live in oblivion as to how this got out is because I feel as if I am and have made an effort to keep things to myself. In fact, I now have created such a distance between myself and my own siblings and parents that we no longer talk as much as we used to. I only visit my parents once in 3 or 6 months. I believe, the less we talk, the less chances of any personal things being said.

balletshoes

misspiggy wrote: »

Thank you Allan_r_123. As much as your post does sound harsh, I know it's true and I do know why he's feeling soo angry right now.

I guess I'm also angry too. You talk about having a general vent to your family. Well, I'm not allowed to do that either.

This was'nt a deep, dark secret. It was just him trying to arrange his mother to come live with us for a month as he wanted to spend some quality time with her. I had a vent at my sis because I was heavily pregnant at the time and it seems that he was more concerned about him spending time with his mother than thinking about me, his family and the fact that finances were stretched already for us.
You see, it IS my fault for not telling him how I felt about him wanting his mother to stay with us for a month, but he would've taken it soo personally, that I just thought it better to keep shut in front of him.
In the end, it turned out she did'nt come over anyway (other unconnected reasons).

you've just hit the nail on the head there yourself.
theres absolutely no point in venting to folk outside your marriage when you haven't even talked to each other about it, and each given your views. your family will just get a skewed view of your OH, based on your "vents".

I'm another one who doesn't tell my family the specifics of whats going on in my marriage. There must be a way for you and your OH to communicate better, so that you each feel you're being listened to by the other.

When my OH first puts a new idea to me, about whatever, I listen and I don't usually give a gut reaction. I take it away and have a good think about it (ie do I have any objections, concerns, are they little or big, how will this affect me and our life?). Then I'll go back and we'll be able to talk calmly about whatever it is.

I put any ideas I have to OH in the same way - calmly, and ask him to have a think about it.

balletshoes

misspiggy wrote: »

The reason why i've not admitted to this sooner and let him live in oblivion as to how this got out is because I feel as if I am and have made an effort to keep things to myself. In fact, I now have created such a distance between myself and my own siblings and parents that we no longer talk as much as we used to. I only visit my parents once in 3 or 6 months. I believe, the less we talk, the less chances of any personal things being said.

surely you can keep conversations with your family on a level you're all happy with? maybe if, when you're talking to your family, and you find yourself wanting to say something you know your OH would rather you kept quiet about, you could think to yourself "if anyone said that about me to anyone else, would I like it?".

Just_Plain_Jane

My OH talks to his mum and sister whenever we have a row.

I do respect his right to talk about his problems with the people he loves and trusts and would never try to stop him in case that comes across as controlling. However, I have had to sit him down more than once and explain that whilst I know he needs support, I have to face these people.

Luckily my in-laws aren't the type to hold anything against me, but even so it puts me and them in a very difficult position. Having realised that the person he should be talking to when there's a problem is me, he now thinks twice before phoning them up for a moan.

misspiggy_2

balletshoes wrote: »

surely you can keep conversations with your family on a level you're all happy with? maybe if, when you're talking to your family, and you find yourself wanting to say something you know your OH would rather you kept quiet about, you could think to yourself "if anyone said that about me to anyone else, would I like it?".

Thanks Balletshoes. I guess I just always make the wrong judgement call.

My family are just sooo nosy.

onlyroz

You have to assume that anything you say about a person will eventually get back to them - and so the golden rule MUST be not to say anything about somebody behind their backs that you would not be comfortable saying to their face.

Your husband has a right to be peeved, and you need to learn to be more open with him, and less open with the friends and relatives that you blab to.