Husband is a very Private person. I like to share my emotions. Marraige problems

misspiggy_2

Thank you Balletshoes. I think you've just said what I obviously wans'nt able to properly articulate. The fact that I feel like I have no one to 'unload on'. No one to keep my confidences. Why, when I keep everyone else's confidences, can't they keep mine? why should others be able to unload onto me and yet here I am, looking for support from an online forum? This is the reason why I feel soo upset, soo wronged, so alone. I've obviously gone very seriousy wrong somewhere in my life to be in a position where I don't feel I have anyone trustworthy enough in my life.

How sad is that?

I do understand how my husband feels, I do take the point that also feels peeved about his wife letting out his confidences. I also realise that I have a lot of trust to make up if things are to get back on the right track :-(

System

This is the reason why I feel soo upset, soo wronged, so alone. I've obviously gone very seriousy wrong somewhere in my life to be in a position where I don't feel I have anyone trustworthy enough in my life.

How sad is that?

Well if your sad then so am i. However, the only thing i need is within me.

balletshoes

misspiggy wrote: »

Thank you Balletshoes. I think you've just said what I obviously wans'nt able to properly articulate. The fact that I feel like I have no one to 'unload on'. No one to keep my confidences. Why, when I keep everyone else's confidences, can't they keep mine? why should others be able to unload onto me and yet here I am, looking for support from an online forum? This is the reason why I feel soo upset, soo wronged, so alone. I've obviously gone very seriousy wrong somewhere in my life to be in a position where I don't feel I have anyone trustworthy enough in my life.

How sad is that?

I do understand how my husband feels, I do take the point that also feels peeved about his wife letting out his confidences. I also realise that I have a lot of trust to make up if things are to get back on the right track :-(

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all in your life regarding your family not being able to keep their mouths shut about your issues when you tell them. Thats on them, not you, you can't be responsible for what they choose to do, you can only be responsible for your choices.

elvis86

misspiggy wrote: »

This was'nt a deep, dark secret. It was just him trying to arrange his mother to come live with us for a month as he wanted to spend some quality time with her. I had a vent at my sis because I was heavily pregnant at the time and it seems that he was more concerned about him spending time with his mother than thinking about me, his family and the fact that finances were stretched already for us. You see, it IS my fault for not telling him how I felt about him wanting his mother to stay with us for a month, but he would've taken it soo personally, that I just thought it better to keep shut in front of him. In the end, it turned out she did'nt come over anyway (other unconnected reasons).

OMG, that sounds like one hell of a secret. He wanted his mum to come and stay?! Hold the front page!

Seriously, whilst I echo to a degree what others have said about respecting your OH's privacy and suggesting that you should communicate with him better before running to others (especially b!tches like your mum and sister who gave no thought to your feelings when they idly gossiped about you), I can't understand why the fact that he wanted his mum to come and stay would be a "secret"? Never mind a secret that you were frightened to admit you "leaked" for 4 years?! Is she on the FBIs most wanted list or something?

Have you ever raised this with your family? I'd have gone mad at them. You were pregnant and upset when you confided in them, and they caused trouble by gossiping about what you'd told them.

How sad that you can't confide in your own mum or sister.:(

System

How sad that you can't confide in your own mum or sister.:(

Yeah must admit, i do find it all a bit petty.

YoungBaker

sassyblue wrote: »

Sorry but l think he's being unreasonable to not let you talk to someone about things in your life (which may contain bits about him).

Does he control much of your life? If not, fine he's a private person - but there must be someone you could occasionally offload to?

You've been unlucky with your family bleating to other people and getting you in trouble, don't make that mistake again.

Hubby used to hear me on the phone to my sister or mum and afterwards say 'you can't say that' - it might be something completely innocuous but to him because of the way he was raised it was a bigger deal. He remember the time his mum said something and got in trouble for 'gossiping' so he doesn't want me to have the same thing happen - but l know my mum and sister would keep quiet.

I think as we have already established in this thread it is not just the fact the OP is unloading things. Obviously she should be entitled to confide in her sister something - but theres a difference in having a moan or a vent about someone to a person you can trust, than doing it to a close family member who has past-history of exposing everything you tell them, and then OH goes on for years trying to figure out how it got out when in fact all along it was his other halve.

misspiggy wrote: »

Yes, I do tell them in confidence. It's usually when I'm feeling very very low that I feel the need to pick up the phone and let my sister know how I feel as I need to feel like someone cares. That was probably the last thing I ever did confide in her and I learnt my lesson when it 'leaked out'.

I never tell my mother anything now, even in confidence as she also cannot keep anything inside herself.

The unusual thing about my family is that they keep each others confidences, but never mine ????? Unfortunately, it's the only family I have. as much as sometimes, I want to break the ties of kinship, I can't. If I did, I would have no one left in the world other than OH.

I think it would be sad if you tried to remedy this cutting ties with your family... fine they can't keep their mouths shut - near can most peoples! They key is controlling what you vent to them then! As others have said, before you start a rant about whatever or tell them about your relationship you need to stop and consider 'will OH be upset if this gets back to him I have been discussing it?' - for example if it was that he wasnt doing chores or helping out, then he doesn't really have any right to be annoyed as you should be able to vent your frustrations. As already said though, if it was something a bit deeper - in this case an issue about his mother coming that you should really be communicating to him directly about - then it's different.

As others have said - if you do need to vent but don't have someone trustworthy this forum is a great way to do it!

victory

misspiggy wrote: »

Thank you Balletshoes. I think you've just said what I obviously wans'nt able to properly articulate. The fact that I feel like I have no one to 'unload on'. No one to keep my confidences. Why, when I keep everyone else's confidences, can't they keep mine? why should others be able to unload onto me and yet here I am, looking for support from an online forum? This is the reason why I feel soo upset, soo wronged, so alone. I've obviously gone very seriousy wrong somewhere in my life to be in a position where I don't feel I have anyone trustworthy enough in my life.

How sad is that?

I do understand how my husband feels, I do take the point that also feels peeved about his wife letting out his confidences. I also realise that I have a lot of trust to make up if things are to get back on the right track :-(

Have you asked your family, sat them down and asked them why they feel the need to tell all that you have told them? Why cannot they keep it to themselves and help you, support you and not tell anyone? Have you asked them to define a confidence, what that means to them? Have you explained to them you feel let down by them and that you cannot trust them with what you tell them as you know they will tell someone else all about it?

Have you asked them why they can keep everyone elses secret but not yours? Have you told them how hurt you are by it all and how it makes you feel lonely and isolated and not having anyone to confide in is really hard for you?

elvis86

victory wrote: »

Have you asked your family, sat them down and asked them why they feel the need to tell all that you have told them? Why cannot they keep it to themselves and help you, support you and not tell anyone? Have you asked them to define a confidence, what that means to them? Have you explained to them you feel let down by them and that you cannot trust them with what you tell them as you know they will tell someone else all about it?

Have you asked them why they can keep everyone elses secret but not yours? Have you told them how hurt you are by it all and how it makes you feel lonely and isolated and not having anyone to confide in is really hard for you?

Doubtful. She couldn't even tell her own husband that she wasn't comfortable with his mum moving in.:(

It sounds to me like the OP has a real problem communicating.

I find these forums really depressing sometimes, there are so many women here who report having no friends and who sound like they're constantly walked over by partners/family etc.

I know it's easy to say, but ASSERT YOURSELF! If you're upset about something, talk about it! Talk about it with the person best equipped to resolve it. Ie if your OH wants to move his mum in and you're not happy with that, tell him!

A relationship/marriage is supposed to be a partnership, I can't understand why so often one party (usually the woman) is happy to relinquish full control to their spouse and just assume the role of a passenger?

misspiggy_2

I have Victory, I have asked my mother why she can't keep my confidences. This was some time ago. She went crazy and started shouting at me. How dare I expect my mother to carry her children's burden herself. She should be able to tell anyone she wants. But you see... my mother's relationship with me is another story.... I've always felt like the black sheep in that family every since I can remember. All I can remember from being a child was wishing that I was never born, even my mother later on went to admit that I was'nt wanted, she wanted an abortion when she found out it was another girl. My father did'nt even come see me in the hospital till I was 3 days old :-( yet today, I am the one who loans them money whenever they need it, I am the one who provides them with emotional support when they need it, I am the one who they can rely on and they know it. I do this because they are my family and I do love them despite their faults.

But leaving that topic completely alone as its far too upsetting for me to delve too much into my childhood other than to say, it's pointless trying to ask my family to keep my confidences as they will pull a face and ask me why I think of myself as soo high and mighty (or something to that effect). Yep... I have a pretty disfunctional family to say the least.

misspiggy_2

And now here I am, a product of that dysfunctional family.

In fact, reading through all the posts again, I'm beginning to realise that actually, my husband is'nt the one who is unreasonable here. I'm truly beginning to get a sense of how wronged he feels. Putting aside my own relationship with my siblings and parents, I am the one in the wrong.

As for siblings and parents. I think I'll go for the venting on paper and writing down my feelings before picking up the phone approach.

Thank you everyone