Husband is a very Private person. I like to share my emotions. Marraige problems

misspiggy_2

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

but even so it puts me and them in a very difficult position. Having realised that the person he should be talking to when there's a problem is me,.

But what if the reason for his problem is you, then who should he talk to?

So lets say, he does'ny like the fact that he always has to clean up after you beacuse you can't be bothered to do it yourself. He's told you, you got angry at him. He shares it with his mum and sisters. Soo wrong?

(by the way, the above is just a made up scenario, I just want to understand your viewpoint)

sassyblue

Sorry but l think he's being unreasonable to not let you talk to someone about things in your life (which may contain bits about him).

Does he control much of your life? If not, fine he's a private person - but there must be someone you could occasionally offload to?

You've been unlucky with your family bleating to other people and getting you in trouble, don't make that mistake again.

Hubby used to hear me on the phone to my sister or mum and afterwards say 'you can't say that' - it might be something completely innocuous but to him because of the way he was raised it was a bigger deal. He remember the time his mum said something and got in trouble for 'gossiping' so he doesn't want me to have the same thing happen - but l know my mum and sister would keep quiet.

victory

I don't understand why your family cannot keep a confidence? Why do they feel the need to tell others about what you have said to them? Have you said to them you are telling them in confidence and would appreciate if they kept it to themselves?

balletshoes

misspiggy wrote: »

But what if the reason for his problem is you, then who should he talk to?

So lets say, he does'ny like the fact that he always has to clean up after you beacuse you can't be bothered to do it yourself. He's told you, you got angry at him. He shares it with his mum and sisters. Soo wrong?

(by the way, the above is just a made up scenario, I just want to understand your viewpoint)

to carry on that scenario then, what good does that do him - sharing it with his mum and sisters? would they agree with him and say "yes dear thats ridiculous, of course you're right". How does that help him and his OH resolve it?

misspiggy_2

victory wrote: »

I don't understand why your family cannot keep a confidence? Why do they feel the need to tell others about what you have said to them? Have you said to them you are telling them in confidence and would appreciate if they kept it to themselves?

Yes, I do tell them in confidence. It's usually when I'm feeling very very low that I feel the need to pick up the phone and let my sister know how I feel as I need to feel like someone cares. That was probably the last thing I ever did confide in her and I learnt my lesson when it 'leaked out'.

I never tell my mother anything now, even in confidence as she also cannot keep anything inside herself.

The unusual thing about my family is that they keep each others confidences, but never mine ????? Unfortunately, it's the only family I have. as much as sometimes, I want to break the ties of kinship, I can't. If I did, I would have no one left in the world other than OH.

Just_Plain_Jane

misspiggy wrote: »

But what if the reason for his problem is you, then who should he talk to?

So lets say, he does'ny like the fact that he always has to clean up after you beacuse you can't be bothered to do it yourself. He's told you, you got angry at him. He shares it with his mum and sisters. Soo wrong?

(by the way, the above is just a made up scenario, I just want to understand your viewpoint)

Not sure how telling his family would solve the situation you describe so that particular example is a bit pointless really.

If you read my post properly, it says that I don't try to stop him talking to them, I merely point out occasionally that it makes everyone involved feel a bit awkward.

misspiggy_2

balletshoes wrote: »

to carry on that scenario then, what good does that do him - sharing it with his mum and sisters? would they agree with him and say "yes dear thats ridiculous, of course you're right". How does that help him and his OH resolve it?

It does'nt help him resolve anything with his OH, but at least he feels some moral support from someone.

misspiggy_2

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

Not sure how telling his family would solve the situation you describe so that particular example is a bit pointless really.

If you read my post properly, it says that I don't try to stop him talking to them, I merely point out occasionally that it makes everyone involved feel a bit awkward.

I do actually agree with your post and I totally understand that it would make everyone involved feel a bit awkward. I think I'm just feeling confused (or whatever it is that I'm feeling) right now. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really do appreciate it.

balletshoes

I can understand your OH's point of view - he sees you tell your family things he doesn't want told, and then they get broadcast by your family.

I can understand your point of view too - if you've fallen out with your OH about something thats important to you and you can't seem to resolve it with him, you need to unload to someone.

The problem for you seems to be that you don't have anyone trustworthy you can unload to.

If theres no-one in real life you can trust to keep your confidences (and it doesn't seem that there is, certainly not your family) then why not just have a rant on here? You could do it anonymously if you wanted to.

Or, how about writing it all down when you're feeling low, before you call your sister? Get it out that way, see if that makes a difference?

victory

misspiggy wrote: »

Yes, I do tell them in confidence. It's usually when I'm feeling very very low that I feel the need to pick up the phone and let my sister know how I feel as I need to feel like someone cares. That was probably the last thing I ever did confide in her and I learnt my lesson when it 'leaked out'.

I never tell my mother anything now, even in confidence as she also cannot keep anything inside herself.

The unusual thing about my family is that they keep each others confidences, but never mine ????? Unfortunately, it's the only family I have. as much as sometimes, I want to break the ties of kinship, I can't. If I did, I would have no one left in the world other than OH.

From your OH point of view he sees it as he has asked you not to tell anyone as you say for the last 10 years and still you do so he feels betrayed, from your point of view you need to talk to someone and they let you down so you feel betrayed.

Having no one you can trust to talk to is terrible, maybe you could write it down and throw it out when you have finished, Oh needs to know what he tells you is for you and no one else, he needs to know that he has your 100% confidence and can trust you and this latest revelation has rocked him a bit.