How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

Caleb11

And family don't question why I stay. They question why my fathers wife stays and assume it must be money.

Lets_say

Caleb11 wrote: »

And family don't question why I stay. They question why my fathers wife stays and assume it must be money.

Apologies, my mistake. I thought that bit was odd.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

sulkisu wrote: »

Yes, it makes me cringe too!
OP I wouldn't be too concerned about him going out one night but I would be upset about his apparent inability to call/text you or your son. Perhaps it is just different with some parents, where as long as they k now that all is well, they don't feel the need to phone. Putting you on loud speaker and discussing it with everyone else listening in is unforgiveable, disrespectful and immature.

How much conversation can you have over the phone with a three year old? If they even had the inclination to speak on it rather than hold it and stare off into the distance, it's going to be Peppa Pig jumping in muddy puddles or Zach at nursery weed himself today. If the child has the rare talent of speaking as clear as a bell instead of the common mixture of warble, mispronunciation and occasional clarity.

Caleb11

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

How much conversation can you have over the phone with a three year old? If they even had the inclination to speak on it rather than hold it and stare off into the distance, it's going to be Peppa Pig jumping in muddy puddles or Zach at nursery weed himself today. If the child has the rare talent of speaking as clear as a bell instead of the common mixture of warble, mispronunciation and occasional clarity.

I understand that but when you can FaceTime and he gets to see your face and hear your voice I think it does help. The reason I feel such a need to do it is because this is the first time our son has been away from both of us for a long period of time.

We moved away from family in May and he's now back in October after seeing them less, staying with them for two weeks alone.

I hate to think of him worrying where mummy and daddy are or what the hell is happening. So I skype and FaceTime him two/ three times a day. At night I get a good night kids etc. these things mean a lot to me but even if it didn't I hope that it would provide our son comfort when he's away from us.

I have explained my views to my oh but he doesn't seem to share these.

Even when he moved away for his job he could go a week without calling home. I know that might not seem like a big deal but I just can't understand it really. Especially when you are alone in a new location so spend the majority of your time in a flat alone when your not working.

FBaby

I guess I can see why this isn't that fun and then rarely wants to come on these days out but to me, this is fun. I don't need to go to clubs and pubs, in fact I really dislike when I drink and try to avoid it at all costs.

And that's where he might feel as frustrated with you as you are with him. Maybe he wants to spend time with you only as you used to. Your life doesn't need to evolve purely around your child. To be fair, I am a mum and taking my children to the park wasn't my idea of fun at all, even if my kids loved it. You say you don't have a babysitter. I could see how he sees this as an excuse. There are reliable serious babysitter agencies just about everywhere now if you don't feel comfortable with putting an add at the local college.

Could it be that he feels that you are not that interested in him as a person rather than a father any longer, that he would love to go out with you for an evening out, but feels that there is no point in suggesting it because you'll make excuses as to why this can't happen?

It doesn't have to be clubs or pubs, I'm sure you share other interests that you could enjoy together once in a while without your boy?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Caleb11 wrote: »

I understand that but when you can FaceTime and he gets to see your face and hear your voice I think it does help. The reason I feel such a need to do it is because this is the first time our son has been away from both of us for a long period of time.

We moved away from family in May and he's now back in October after seeing them less, staying with them for two weeks alone.

I hate to think of him worrying where mummy and daddy are or what the hell is happening. So I skype and FaceTime him two/ three times a day. At night I get a good night kids etc. these things mean a lot to me but even if it didn't I hope that it would provide our son comfort when he's away from us.

I have explained my views to my oh but he doesn't seem to share these.

Even when he moved away for his job he could go a week without calling home. I know that might not seem like a big deal but I just can't understand it really. Especially when you are alone in a new location so spend the majority of your time in a flat alone when your not working.

What if it actually upsets him more? Even with older children on school or brownie trips, there used to be a rule that there was no contact because it often upset the clingier kids. Nowadays, it's far too common for parents to hide mobiles in luggage - usually discovered when the previously perfectly happy kid is how wailing that they miss their mum, now they've heard how much she misses them, etc.

Where it comes to talking to you, it sounds possible that the extent of your conversation would be purely about your son. You don't appear to want to go out or do anything without him, so much so, maybe he feels as though he doesn't have a partner anymore, he's got a mum to support, and to be told off by/have to answer to.


I'm not saying he's right and you're wrong, but where is there space for him or interest in him outside playing a supporting role in earning and the occasional pushing of a swing?



It sounds similar to my first ex's wishes - he didn't believe a parent was a person anymore, they should be completely consumed with parenting.

My boyfriend's ex wife was like that, with the sad result that their marriage fell apart, as he couldn't get through to her that he felt invisible to her and was lonely.


Don't lose the person you were - the person he fell in love with - if nothing else, because it's bad for you,; see friends, have activities, have a full life and whatever happens between you, you'll be happier in the long run.

Caleb11

Thanks for your replies.

Actually recently I have suggested we hire a local babysitter so se can have a night together but he said he's uncomfortable with a stranger in his house.

I can see his point as I have heard horrible horror stories. But still it's something I might look into, even someone from his nursery who we know and trust.

In terms of my own life, I don't actually think it's consumed by my so. I work full time which obviously means the time I do have I enjoy spending it with my family, both oh and our son. I also love keeping fit so often go running and to the gym and fitness classes. Other times I just like to relax and watch a film etc.

I definetly don't feel consumed by my son. I have a varied life but I do like spend as much time as possible with my son as I don't get to do it all day every day but I would love nothing more for my oh to be a part of this and to actually want to be a part of this.

But when you feel like you have to force your partner to spend time with you and our son it makes me irritated and feel hurt.

With regards to calling and making him more upset, It really depends on the child. I know my son and know it would help him. If I felt for one minute he'd be upset, of course I wouldn't do it. To suddenly go from being with me every day, to a nursery, to his nanas house for two weeks with no contact with myself or his dad then I know he'd be confused.

He is never upset when he calls me. He just talks for a couple of minutes and shows me what he's doing or shows my his toys and I get a kiss over the iPad.