How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

FBaby

Caleb11 wrote: »

Thank you !

Yes that's true. I feel like I am a happy fun person when I'm with family and friends but for some reason we don't share those times together. We used to but it really did change when we had our son. Not that I don't want to have fun anymore, I really do but his fun is going out with friends and and me and getting really drunk whereas mine would be going for dinner and cinema or pub or simply spending time as a family.

Every time we speak about going back home to visit everyone, his first plan is to sort out his night out with friends. Not see family or spend family time. Not that this is wrong, but when you hardly see me or our son it does hurt a little. Also his nights out are genuinely staying out til 6/7/8 in the morning and it just ruins the full next day too.

I do honestly like a night out but when you have no family time then it's not a priority of mine. I guess I can see why he might find me boring and nagging i really do. But I know out with our relationship I'm actually really fun and happy and funny!

We just don't get to share those moments right now. When he's working he can't obviously, when he's not working I'm annoyed at him for whatever reason.

I really think that if you want to save your relationship, the above is what you need to tackle first. Men, especially young, like to have fun, and with their partner first. It is often because they don't any longer that they go to have fun elsewhere.

Obviously you will need to find a middle way, joining him with his friends partying untiil 7am won't be right for you, but maybe you could suggest going out just the two of you, first for a meal, then out for a few drinks, maybe to a club and make the promise to only focus on the positive, pretending you are back to when you were madly in love with each other.

I think that to get him closer to his son, you will need to get him closer to you first. After all, if you have already told him that you are considering leaving, in which case he would only have contact with his son once a fortnight or so, he is not going to make efforts to get to the point where he would desperately miss him if that happened.

You are still so young, you really should be having fun together, in addition to having fun at work (him) and with family (you). Something you haven't mentioned I think, do you ever go on holidays?

Caleb11

FBaby wrote: »

I really think that if you want to save your relationship, the above is what you need to tackle first. Men, especially young, like to have fun, and with their partner first. It is often because they don't any longer that they go to have fun elsewhere.

Obviously you will need to find a middle way, joining him with his friends partying untiil 7am won't be right for you, but maybe you could suggest going out just the two of you, first for a meal, then out for a few drinks, maybe to a club and make the promise to only focus on the positive, pretending you are back to when you were madly in love with each other.

I think that to get him closer to his son, you will need to get him closer to you first. After all, if you have already told him that you are considering leaving, in which case he would only have contact with his son once a fortnight or so, he is not going to make efforts to get to the point where he would desperately miss him if that happened.

You are still so young, you really should be having fun together, in addition to having fun at work (him) and with family (you). Something you haven't mentioned I think, do you ever go on holidays?

Thanks, it just difficult to have fun together which involves actually going out except to dinner as we don't have a baby sitter. That's why all the "fun" stuff I try to plan includes our son and is therefore family time like picnic park softplay swimming.

I guess I can see why this isn't that fun and then rarely wants to come on these days out but to me, this is fun. I don't need to go to clubs and pubs, in fact I really dislike when I drink and try to avoid it at all costs.

I guess it's difficult because we moved so far away and therefore can't just go to the pub or cinema so easily because we don't have a babysitter. But this is something I fully accepted not only when we moved down but also when I had my son.

So it ends up being that he works every week we are altogether where we stay. Then if he books a holiday to travel to our home time he spends it either out or hungover.

Regarding holidays, yes we have been two holidays since we had LO. Again it wasn't the best holiday due to our disagreements, one being the day before I bought some holiday clothes for me and our son - the only clothes I bought all year- and when he came home he was questioning me about my spending and asking for receipts. Even though I know for a fact we could afford it no problem.

Also the responsibility of washing ironing and packing everyone's case was mine which annoyed me as he was again busy working and didn't seem to appreciate it.

Caleb11

Just to get a fuller picture of what I consider when I say I'm unhappy I can list the few major points...

1. He is extremely jealous. Before lo he would beg me not to go out with friends. That's obviously stopped now as I don't go out the same way but it still comes through sometimes and it bothers me a lot. We have spoke about it. He's apologised. Again said it's because I'm his only family and he's scared he'll loose me.

2. His obsession with money. We can't afford anything unless he suggests it. Like the Rolex but no money to go swimming eg.

3. His lack of interest in me and our son (been explained)

4. His job and his attitude towards it (been explained). Also the way he has acted in work has bothered me quite a bit. He encouraged the dismissal of an employee which I don't think was warranted in the circumstances.

Also he had the opportunity to save 10 people from redundancy and didn't choose his childhood friend who in a way helped get him the job as he wasn't the best person in the job to keep. Understandable maybe but sometimes I think his power goes to his head and I dislike it.

5. Our lack of emotional connection. When we do something nice like dinner, I struggle to find things to talk about. When we do I think he finds me boring.

6. His desire to go out and get extremely drunk as much as possible. This doesn't really interest me but seems to be his priority when possible (as discussed)

7. On these nights out his consistent drug taken despite having a conviction for drug possession before he met me. Then his blatant lies that he hasn't. Then being irresponsible I feel and bringing it into a house with my son.

8. The feeling of oppression when I'm around him about my abilities to handle money. His feeling of oppression when he's about me about how he cares for our son.


On the other hand...
We comfortable, been together since I was young, have a child together, know each other extremely well, know that I will not need to worry about money, son can have both parents all the time, easier to stay together, our families assumption that all is fine and we will get married and be together forever.

Pollycat

WOW!

Reading through post # 134, I seriously doubt that you belong together.

Even the 'on the other hand' points are pretty uninspiring reasons to stay together.

I wouldn't particularly agree with you about #4 (his job), to 'save someone from redundancy' just because they are a friend but clearly not the best person to retain would (I think) reflect badly on his managerial abilities.

From the things you've revealed in later posts - his obsession with money and material things, his attitude to you about spending 'his' money - would be for me a deal-breaker.

I wish you luck.

zzzLazyDaisy

Caleb11 wrote: »

4. His job and his attitude towards it (been explained). Also the way he has acted in work has bothered me quite a bit. He encouraged the dismissal of an employee which I don't think was warranted in the circumstances.

Also he had the opportunity to save 10 people from redundancy and didn't choose his childhood friend who in a way helped get him the job as he wasn't the best person in the job to keep. Understandable maybe but sometimes I think his power goes to his head and I dislike it.

I completely get where you are coming from where most of your posts are concerned, but this ^^^^ in my view is out of order (sorry).

I don't think you understand the legalities of employment law, otherwise you would never suggest that he should save a mate from redundancy even though he is not the best person for the job. The employer has to be able to explain objectively how they came to select certain people to stay and certain people to go. Choosing a mate over someone who is better for the job is likely to land the company in tribunal. Your OH's career wouldn't last long if that is how he makes decisions.

Similarly, while you might not agree with his views on the employee who was dismissed, unless he was the person chairing the meeting, the decision to dismiss the employee was made by someone else and your OHs views were just one factor in that. Also, unless you have read the company's disciplinary procedures and employee manuals/bulletins, and know what the company views as gross misconduct, for example, you are not in a position to say whether the dismissal was warranted.

I just wonder if maybe you need to stop and consider which issues are worth focussing on and which ones you can step back from?

Caleb11

Yes I completely agree. I understand that he couldn't save this employee but his attitude surrounding the full situation just irritated me as I genuinely feel the power goes to his head.

I understood if he really wasn't the best person then he couldn't be saved.

Caleb11

Also when he's conducted interviews he has came home laughing about the potential employees and called his colleague laughing at what they said. This irritated me as I was going through interviews at that time and it was such a big deal for me. I would have hated the interviewer going back and laughing about me behind my back.

Also I remember the days where he was the one giving those answers and being incredibly scared during the interview process.

Sometimes I just think he needs to remember that and I dislike it when he acts like that as I don't think it's a nice thing to do. Fair enough maybe have a chuckle at something but to phone your colleague and share the funny answers etc I just found really irritating and like the power was going to his head.

Bangton

Never mind the obsession with money (which would drive me potty btw) - the disinterest in your son is just awful. On that basis alone I would end the relationship

Lets_say

Caleb11 wrote: »

On the other hand...
We comfortable, been together since I was young, have a child together, know each other extremely well, know that I will not need to worry about money, son can have both parents all the time, easier to stay together, our families assumption that all is fine and we will get married and be together forever.

What do you mean by comfortable? Money is a major issue, and you talk about lack of emotional connection and oppression.

"Will not need to worry about money" - you will if he screws up on the drug front and ends up in prison.

"Easier to stay together" - oh dear.

"Families assume all is fine" - not what you said in post 126 - they wonder if you stay because of the money.

"Get married and stay together forever" - a piece of paper guarantees nothing.

Only you can decide what to do, I wish you well too, but I'm out as your contradictions in posts bother me.

Caleb11

Lets_say wrote: »

What do you mean by comfortable? Money is a major issue, and you talk about lack of emotional connection and oppression.

"Will not need to worry about money" - you will if he screws up on the drug front and ends up in prison.

"Easier to stay together" - oh dear.

"Families assume all is fine" - not what you said in post 126 - they wonder if you stay because of the money.

"Get married and stay together forever" - a piece of paper guarantees nothing.

Only you can decide what to do, I wish you well too, but I'm out as your contradictions in posts bother me.

Sorry? I think you may be getting confused.

In post 126 I said how my family thinks we're fine. But even if they did think there were any issues, my father for example would not understand why I would want to leave because he has the ability to provide a nice life in terms of material things.

I am not saying a marriage will give anything. What I am saying is my family all expect this. They do not know the extent of our day to day issues. They expect, have a child buy a house both have good jobs now they will get married.

Yes completely agree about the not having to worry about money. Nothing is guaranteed. But to split would obviously mean I would struggle a lot at first with my son.

In terms of what I mean by comfortable.. I mean he's the only person I've had a relationship with. He knows me very well. I know him very well. We've been through a lot together. That's what I mean by comfortable.