How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

balletshoes

Caleb11 wrote: »

I have had various responses from him.

When he was a baby he would say he missed him but knew he was fine and found it difficult to miss him as he was just a baby but knew that when he was older and able to interact a bit better it would improve.

Other times he says he does miss him and wishes he could spend more time with him.

But I know the additional work he does and all the travelling he does is optional. Yes it looks very very good for my oh to his boss but he still doesn't need to take it all on.

I know deep down he doesn't miss lo the way I do. Not saying it's wrong but if I'm apart from lo i think about him constantly. I call him as much as possible. I do get upset because I miss him terribly and doubt myself if I'm a good mum.

I know he doesn't do that. So I can't understand it.

I know for a fact my OH misses our daughter when he's away from her - but he doesn't call her all the time, or pine for her. She knows he misses her and loves her, she doesn't need him to tell her constantly. When she was young (ie around 5 or 6) and away from me because of my work etc for a few days, I really missed her, thought about her all the time etc, called her every day - I think thats more a mum thing, and I don't think any less of my OH for not demonstrating by the same actions that he misses our child and thinks about her.

I do understand that you feel you would be better away from your OH altogether, because he lets you down. Thats a big deal, I can totally see that would drag you down and you wouldn't have that to deal with if you separated - although you wouldn't get rid of the feelings you already have, that your OH doesn't put your LO high enough on his priority list, and you're still going to have to deal with all of that until your child is an adult.

Happytravelling

To have completed your degree, brought your LO up whilst your OH worked away, moved 500 miles away from your support network, secured yourself a graduate job and be building up a career whilst bringing up your LO and not feeling like you're getting support.... its a pretty incredible achievement in my view and its good to be such a strong and positive role model for your son.
If I were in your shoes, I'd talk to my other half again. Start by identifying the one or two things you could do to make him feel loved and supported, and that he could do to make you feel the same.
It might help to think back to what first attracted you to one another and what sorts of things you used to enjoy doing, and recreating occasional movie nights, possibly the odd evening out with another couple that he or you work with.
As well as working on your life together, think about your independent life (whether you stay with him or not). Perhaps a play date on Saturday or Sunday where you could natter for an afternoon/ drink coffee with another mum or having a friend over from work 1 friday to watch a film or catch up.
Others have suggested relationship counselling, but he may benefit from grief counselling if this is his way of burying the pain of losing parents.
The way I sometimes approach decisions is to think what I'd regret more. Would you regret walking away now more than staying now? If you do what's in your power to make it work (with a fresh pair of eyes, try not to hang on the past and give it a fair chance) then you can think again which would be your biggest regret.

Caleb11

Yes that's true but I don't need to live with that person, love care cook for them.

That is something I fully accept and why I can now completely understand why it is best to wait until your married until you have a child.

But he is and I know I need to deal with these feelings until lo grows up. But again I wouldn't need to love and live with this person and have feelings of resentment.

*Robin*

Random thoughts after reading this thread:


Marriage - making a good marriage - requires hard work and lots of time.

Some men have great difficulty in relating to small children.

Most men usually do not feel the same overpowering interest in babies - even their own - as women do (especially the mother).

Only one-in-a-million step-dads can develop the same bond as the father will have with his own son in time.

A Rolex could be regarded as a useful emergency savings pot.

Even couples deeply in love are rarely telepathic.

One good thing about partner working away - as mine did for many years - is the 'honeymoon opportunity' every time he returns.

Communication, face to face, is key. Both listening to what the other needs to say. Never interrupt. Walk away if temper is fraying.

Be fair. While OP's partner is away so often, she and their son would benefit from having access to another car - will his overtime cover the cost?


There has never been a successful marriage anywhere that hasn't ridden out the rough patches, Caleb - don't quit too soon!

I've used the word "marriage" to signify long-term committed relationship which includes a child, despite OP not having gone through the ceremony. Yet.

Caleb11

Happytravelling wrote: »

To have completed your degree, brought your LO up whilst your OH worked away, moved 500 miles away from your support network, secured yourself a graduate job and be building up a career whilst bringing up your LO and not feeling like you're getting support.... its a pretty incredible achievement in my view and its good to be such a strong and positive role model for your son.
If I were in your shoes, I'd talk to my other half again. Start by identifying the one or two things you could do to make him feel loved and supported, and that he could do to make you feel the same.
It might help to think back to what first attracted you to one another and what sorts of things you used to enjoy doing, and recreating occasional movie nights, possibly the odd evening out with another couple that he or you work with.
As well as working on your life together, think about your independent life (whether you stay with him or not). Perhaps a play date on Saturday or Sunday where you could natter for an afternoon/ drink coffee with another mum or having a friend over from work 1 friday to watch a film or catch up.
Others have suggested relationship counselling, but he may benefit from grief counselling if this is his way of burying the pain of losing parents.
The way I sometimes approach decisions is to think what I'd regret more. Would you regret walking away now more than staying now? If you do what's in your power to make it work (with a fresh pair of eyes, try not to hang on the past and give it a fair chance) then you can think again which would be your biggest regret.

Thank you that means a lot.

It is all very good advice.

Although I may appear to be pretty much already made my decision, I obviously do not want to throw away a family which could eventually be very happy. I don't actually want to be a single mum at all. To move house and be alone. So I am really ready to do anything that works before I decide enough is enough.

When/if he calls after the incident this morning what approach should I take? Upset but talk when he's home? Not upset but raise the issues when he's home? Or upset and talk to him over the phone.

Also my main issue is his working all the time and clear lack of interest in me and our son. How do I propose we fix these? What if he says he can't work less or cut down is overtime or oncall (which he most likely will). What do I do then?

Mojisola

Caleb11 wrote: »

What if he says he can't work less or cut down is overtime or oncall (which he most likely will). What do I do then?

Then you know where his priorities lie and they aren't with you or your child.

Caleb11

Thank you.

FBaby

I know he doesn't do that. So I can't understand it.

You can't understand it because you compare his actions to your feelings. You feel the way you do because you are with your son much more so when you're not, this is a break to your routine and you need that contact.

Your OH is used to not seeing his son so not contacting him is not abnormal for him. It's very similar to divorced dads who see their kids every other weekend. They wish they could see them more, but they don't miss them on a daily basis (well most of them) and need to contact them outside of these times at least when they are little and communication on the phone is very limited.

It's interesting what he said about him expecting it to be better when he is older. It is quite common for men, especially young not to relate to babies and toddlers. Many fathers are not as involved with their children at this stage of their lives, but can then become the best parent when they turn teenagers.

I do feel that your OH is indeed very removed from you and your son, and in your shoes, I would feel aggrieved, but at the same time, if you want to try to make it work, you will need to also try to see it from his perspective and appreciate that not having the same vision of parenting and family life than you doesn't make him totally in the wrong. You compare with dads who go to the park with their kids, but for all you know, the partners of these men are here posting about how rubbish they are with money, won't get a job and they can't be trusted with money.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

I do feel that your OH is indeed very removed from you and your son, and in your shoes, I would feel aggrieved, but at the same time, if you want to try to make it work, you will need to also try to see it from his perspective and appreciate that not having the same vision of parenting and family life than you doesn't make him totally in the wrong.

Both adults in the relationship will need to want to make it work otherwise nothing will change.

Caleb11

Yes that's true. Trust me I have doubts. He's got a good job he earns good money, why am I unhappy?

I just need more. Like I said previously my priorities aren't money. Material things don't make me happy but family time and my relationship with my son does.

I don't blame him for not having the same connection with his son as I do. But why doesn't he and why doesn't he want it? That does annoy me.