How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

Caleb11

theoretica wrote: »

Please take this as a tactic, not an attack, but what do you think would happen if you explained how upset you were that he thought he needed to lie to you, and asked how he thought you could behave differently so he didn't feel this way? Might he say something you could agree to and present a counter demand for a day a fortnight prioritised as family time, or for him to call you briefly when away or something else you want him to do?

And no, I wouldn't try to have a serious conversation on the phone.

He's that's exactly what I'll do. Thank you.

Nooob

My OH works away a lot and we have a young child too he doesn't phone when he's away because he's either working or trying not to think about what he's missing at home. i don't want to upset him when he's working to provide for us so i don't make a big deal out of it.

justme111

You asked why your oh does not feel the same for his son and why he does not want to feel more. Of course I can not tell about him personally but I can tell possible.reasons. men do not connect with children the same.way women do. Men and women are different in that respect. Specially with young children. Specially when the man himself is young. And pregnancy was not planned. To make the matters worse you put pressure on him - people resist pressure. He does not want more because he is happy as he is and the only thing that spoils his enjonment of life is the partner nagging. He does not stop you being the way you are with your child although I am sure he misses you as you used to be , fun and loving . Now that you have a child you became unhappy and nagging.

Loz01

OP, it sounds as if you are already a single parent, for all intents and purposes. You have to ask your OH to phone his own child and Im not surprised you are frustrated by his responses (too hungover) etc. You said when you were at Uni he only sent you £200 a month while he kept the rest of his wages... you said he refused to have two cars just so he could buy an expensive one and you and your little boy had to trek everywhere in bad weather. Some of these things are red flags to me.

How would you feel if a friend came to you and was in your exact situation? What would you tell them?

Caleb11

Yes and that's why it definitely not a rash decision. It's been something that's been lingering for months if not over a year when he moved away for work. When I moved down in May to be a family again I wasn't working. I was looking for a job. I felt restricted in every way. Financially as I didn't have my own money and he would sometimes question me unnecessarily asking for receipts to prove what I spent etc. I thought this was unnecessary as I would never go a spending sprees regardless of if it was for me or lo. I never got hair cuts nails done etc. anything I bought I felt was sensible. also I felt more alone than ever whilst he worked more and more.

If it was a friend id give the same advice everyone else has. To talk to him but in the back of my mind id probably think they wouldn't last and feel sorry for the child

Loz01

What strikes me as weird is that he doesn't seem to want to spend family time; either being too busy or suddenly being ill when it comes to the crunch. Have you asked him why he seems so disinterested?

FBaby

I think it would be a real pity if it didn't last. You sound like a great person and mature for your age. You're independent, ambitious and probably a lot of fun it just doesn't see the latter because you're frustrated and unhappy. If only he could make a bit of an effort you'd be more fun to be around and he would be g happier to give up some of his work time for his family.

jayII

With the extra information you've provided, if you were my daughter, I'd be suggesting you leave him!

Being questioned like that about everyday spending, kept short of money and denied a car that could comfortably be afforded, must have been massively destructive to your self-esteem, not to mention pretty miserable on a day to day basis. He sounds unkind and selfish and immaturity is no excuse for either of those traits or the associated behaviours.

I'm not saying you should leave him, that must be your decision. But my goodness, you deserve more respect and consideration than he shows you!!!

ETA: I wouldn't feel sorry for your child. The children one should feel sorry for are those who are brought up in miserable homes where parents argue constantly, or have generally horrid relationships. Many children have wonderful single parents who care for them beautifully and ensure they have lives filled with love and caring friends or relatives. Children need loving, caring homes and these come in many shapes and forms.

Caleb11

Loz01 wrote: »

What strikes me as weird is that he doesn't seem to want to spend family time; either being too busy or suddenly being ill when it comes to the crunch. Have you asked him why he seems so disinterested?

I haven't actually no. Maybe I should have at the time but I assume id just get the response that he does really want to but because of xyz he can't but if he had his way he would.

Caleb11

FBaby wrote: »

I think it would be a real pity if it didn't last. You sound like a great person and mature for your age. You're independent, ambitious and probably a lot of fun it just doesn't see the latter because you're frustrated and unhappy. If only he could make a bit of an effort you'd be more fun to be around and he would be g happier to give up some of his work time for his family.

Thank you !

Yes that's true. I feel like I am a happy fun person when I'm with family and friends but for some reason we don't share those times together. We used to but it really did change when we had our son. Not that I don't want to have fun anymore, I really do but his fun is going out with friends and and me and getting really drunk whereas mine would be going for dinner and cinema or pub or simply spending time as a family.

Every time we speak about going back home to visit everyone, his first plan is to sort out his night out with friends. Not see family or spend family time. Not that this is wrong, but when you hardly see me or our son it does hurt a little. Also his nights out are genuinely staying out til 6/7/8 in the morning and it just ruins the full next day too.

I do honestly like a night out but when you have no family time then it's not a priority of mine. I guess I can see why he might find me boring and nagging i really do. But I know out with our relationship I'm actually really fun and happy and funny!

We just don't get to share those moments right now. When he's working he can't obviously, when he's not working I'm annoyed at him for whatever reason.