How much to let slip for the sake of son having a family

FBaby

What if he says he can't work less or cut down is overtime or oncall (which he most likely will). What do I do then?

Then say to him that you would feel more loved if he showed you that even when he is away, he thinks of you in a loving way. It's often all those little attentions that makes you feel that you're not taken for granted that makes separation easier to bare.

I would wait until he is back AND been home for a day. I would suggest taking a walk out, try to enjoy it, bring up the good, and then only then bring up the subject in an open question, ie. what can we both do to make our relationship better?

FBaby

Both adults in the relationship will need to want to make it work otherwise nothing will change.

That's obvious, but OP needs to think about whether that's the direction she wants to take before considering whether she thinks he is also prepared to do the same.

FBaby

I just need more.

You deserve more.

balletshoes

Caleb11 wrote: »

Also my main issue is his working all the time and clear lack of interest in me and our son.
How do I propose we fix these? What if he says he can't work less or cut down is overtime or oncall (which he most likely will). What do I do then?

do you think because he is working all the time that is what shows is clear lack of interest in you and your son? Because thats not necessarily the case - but only you know if your OH is lacking in interest in you and your son, and would be the same way if he was working 9-5.

FBaby

I don't blame him for not having the same connection with his son as I do. But why doesn't he and why doesn't he want it? That does annoy me.

Because not everyone experience parenting the same way. It would be the same as a SAHM questioning why you want to work when you could spend all your time with your son and how she can't understand your desire to get a job because she wants to spend every second with her children and it annoys her that some mums have kids to leave them in care so they can build their career.

We all express our loves to our children in different ways that feel right for us. It can't be forced upon us. I was a much better mum working than if I'd been a SAHM. Loving my children for me is to teach them to be independent. Other mums consider that being a good parent is spending all your time with them and protect them as much as possible.

Caleb11

balletshoes wrote: »

do you think because he is working all the time that is what shows is clear lack of interest in you and your son? Because thats not necessarily the case - but only you know if your OH is lacking in interest in you and your son, and would be the same way if he was working 9-5.

That's true.

But i think I would be more accommodating with his working all the time if he put in more effort bearing in mind he really does love his job and admits he'd do it for a fraction of the salary.

His behaviours on his rare days off just proves to me that we aren't priority. The last time he was off I planned a picnic in the park which had a family event on. when we woke up we agreed we would all get up and get ready at the same time, as opposed to me getting up and him having a long lie which happens 90% of the time. But that morning he said he wasn't feeling well so lay in then cancelled layer as he was too sick.

That's fair enough but he was just as sick but went to work the next day and has never had a sick day.

I know that sounds petty but when I'm sick I don't get a day off. I still have our child. I just think he could put more effort in especially when you work all week. And it was a cold, hardly dying.

That's one example but there are many.

Caleb11

FBaby wrote: »

Because not everyone experience parenting the same way. It would be the same as a SAHM questioning why you want to work when you could spend all your time with your son and how she can't understand your desire to get a job because she wants to spend every second with her children and it annoys her that some mums have kids to leave them in care so they can build their career.

We all express our loves to our children in different ways that feel right for us. It can't be forced upon us. I was a much better mum working than if I'd been a SAHM. Loving my children for me is to teach them to be independent. Other mums consider that being a good parent is spending all your time with them and protect them as much as possible.

Completely agree and probably should be more understanding.

FBaby

But i think I would be more accommodating with his working all the time if he put in more effort bearing in mind he really does love his job and admits he'd do it for a fraction of the salary.

Just to pick up on this matter too. Loving your job so much you would do it for almost nothing. That is quite rare, so probably quite difficult to imagine what it must be like. My OH keeps telling me that if he was a professional golfer, he would be the happiest man on earth....I imagine I wouldn't see much of him if it was the case!

Caleb11

Haha yes professional chocolate taster... Yes please!

theoretica

Caleb11 wrote: »

When/if he calls after the incident this morning what approach should I take? Upset but talk when he's home? Not upset but raise the issues when he's home? Or upset and talk to him over the phone.

Please take this as a tactic, not an attack, but what do you think would happen if you explained how upset you were that he thought he needed to lie to you, and asked how he thought you could behave differently so he didn't feel this way? Might he say something you could agree to and present a counter demand for a day a fortnight prioritised as family time, or for him to call you briefly when away or something else you want him to do?

And no, I wouldn't try to have a serious conversation on the phone.