What is appropriate re friend staying?

pleasedelete

If you invite them then surely they are your guests? You put them up, cater etc. They might bring a small gift or offer a meal out but wouldnt be expected.

Why would you have people to stay who you don't want as house guests?

silvercar

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

As in they want the peak weeks for free or at off season rates?

Now that definitely would be taking the Michael.

I'd have no problem with letting friends/family have the weeks that holidaymakers didn't book (ie the place was going to be sitting there empty) and just have them cover the costs (ie fuel they used) during that time, but I'm guessing that isn't what you mean....A decent-size gift would be appropriate too (say £50 worth in that case??).

Well...that question doesn't arise for me personally...as I've not got a holiday home.

We are just feeling our way.

After the first we knew that someone expected to stay in our holiday place for free at peak time, was when they phoned to say they just wanted to confirm it was not booked for X date as they were just about to confirm their flights!

We introduced the rule that friends and family can stay just covering the costs if they stay off peak, but that at peak time we are reluctant to offer it out in case we get a booking.

System

Lucy_Lastic wrote: »

I had agreed earlier this year that a friend and her daughter would visit in August (they have done for a few years now) and I had a text asking if 18-24 Aug (7 nights :eek:) would be OK, but if too much then no problem. I sent a text back saying, how about 18-22 Aug (4 nights)? The reply was "Great, thanks, looking forward to it!" I will be getting a bit twitchy after the 3rd night! Love 'em dearly, but also love to see them go home!

Is it me?

It's not just you



My own mum when i asked about going home for a week at christmas (the only time i ever go home i should add) asked me if i'd just come for 4 days instead

SavingPennies_2

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Now looking like peoples views are more varied then.

Guess a lot boils down to backgrounds/income levels/level of relationship then.

With such variable opinions as are now coming up, no wonder I'm feeling a bit confused.....

It is obviously a bit of minefield then, with peoples different expectations.

I know it would be a rather easier situation for me personally if I wasn't on such low income at the moment and worrying as to whether I am actually managing to live on that income or no...

Personally I would never visit someone just to get a free holiday no matter where they lived. In fact to me it wouldnt feel like much of a holiday if I'm staying in someones spare room and I'm assuming you live in a "normal" house in the UK, not some mansion in Monaco or something. I would only stay with someone if they were a friend and I wanted to spend time with them, so I'm sure the friend was coming to visit you and the fact you live in a nice place was just a bonus.

You seem to be treating this friend as if you think they just had a free holiday in your house while you where there too, rather than a friend who came to visit you and wanted to spend time with you. Are they not really your friend? I'm a bit confused myself actually...

As long as you had a nice time, they had a nice time, and you arent significantly worse of financially I don't see the problem. A meal out or small gift from them would be nice but if they were good company and grateful for you hosting them then that should be enough.

moneyistooshorttomention

I guess it needs clarifying here, as there are levels and levels of friendship. eg one friend has done loads of DIY for me over some years (so big favours to repay time), another one has been extremely supportive over many many years and generally generous (ditto big favours to repay time).

The one concerned is one where the relationship is at a different level so to say on the one hand. On the other hand is that their visit cost me a noticeable amount of money (at a time when I am on extremely low income) and being generous out of "widows mite" level income is rather different to being generous out of a "decent income" iyswim. Hence the different outlook to what I myself would have in some different circumstances (ie friend who had helped me out before now and my income being reasonable level).

Its more an acknowledgement that nothing was "due", but I was spending out money from that level of income anyway and feel "unacknowledged" for that iyswim. Hence why I feel a bit "taken for granted". Horses for courses time and, for instance, one of the first things I would do in the event of that lottery win we all dream about would be to buy Best Friend a better house (of her choice) because I "owe" her so much and would be "returning the favour" (if on a much larger scale).

SavingPennies_2

Sorry but I'm pretty confused.... but I think you are saying that this person is not a very good friend (by your definition they have not done much for you) yet they came to stay and were not grateful because they did not offer to pay/cover expenses so you are now out of pocket, nor did they send a you a thank you card. I think that's the jist of it?

I think the best thing would be to move on now, and not invite or allow this friend to stay again.

jackyann

I think it is worth setting parameters - as others have said - then relaxing them for certain kinds of friends. I do think that it is critical in this situation that people are aware if you are on a low income.
Usually with friends there is a level of understanding "we've all students" "they've got 3 young children" etc. etc. But if a situation has arisen where someone might assume you are on a decent income, but you're not, you do need to let them know.

I think what you have described is broadly fair enough for a reciprocal arrangement, but you may need to adapt Mother Mojisola's words for some.

badobsession81

ellie99 wrote: »

I'm guessing from this that you didn't get treated to a meal out, and you're not too happy about it?

When you've talked of your guest, you seem to be implying that she came to stay because you live in a "holiday spot". Maybe she sees it differently, maybe she made a long journey to visit you, to spend time with her friend?
Perhaps she thinks you both went on enjoyable days out together, not that you were just there to act as a tour guide?

Personally if I have guests to stay, I will put myself out for them and try to make their stay enjoyable. I'd buy extra nice food, and not expect them to contribute to household costs. If we were out, they can buy their own entry tickets to things, but if they were driving, I'd happily pay the parking.

If they took me out for a meal, it would be appreciated, but I wouldn't be looking for it, and it wouldn't upset me if they didn't.

Here bl**dy here. Personally I've read through this thread and had some face-palm moments. To discuss in this detail about what is and isn't appropriate is almost to miss the point entirely about why you visit friends and family. I strongly believe that if you want to welcome guests into your home that's a lovely thing, but don't expect anything - you'll only set yourself up for disappointment and take away from the joy of the experience of hosting your friends and family.

Yes, it's nice to be thanked. I don't like rude people. But I personally don't need to overthink or formalise the process as it is within my gift to not host people again in the future if I choose not to. I also would love to think that my friends and family would host me in the future.

Some people do take this p*** so this is all easier said than done, but just learn from it and re-assess what kind of relationship you want with them.

:-)

badobsession81

SavingPennies wrote: »

Sorry but I'm pretty confused.... but I think you are saying that this person is not a very good friend (by your definition they have not done much for you) yet they came to stay and were not grateful because they did not offer to pay/cover expenses so you are now out of pocket, nor did they send a you a thank you card. I think that's the jist of it?

I think the best thing would be to move on now, and not invite or allow this friend to stay again.

Or talk to them face to face first, rather than lose a friend - they may just not be good at expressing their appreciation and may have had a wonderful time. Remember that you are in control of how you feel about a situation - you can just choose to be happy if you want to remain friends, or manage expectations in the future. :-)

badobsession81

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Mojisola, I rather like your mums rule. I think that might be the easiest way to think about things like this in future.

If someone is a very good friend to whom I feel I "owe a lot", then fair enough and I am basically "paying them back" by giving them a freebie week away.

Otherwise, I think your mums rule might be the best way to go and then everyone knows whats expected.

I've been checking out "the rules" re websites on this from several different countries and they are much as I thought they were basically and my ideas pretty much match them. So that's reassuring, that I did know pretty much how things are in this respect and I "got it right".

On the other hand, I took it that my role was to be a guide to the area and all these articles/websites don't seem to think that's part of it. Wish I'd known that, as I wouldn't have gone off on a repeat visit to somewhere I didn't wish to go again, but my comment about that seemed to go unheard. I basically abandoned "my own life" during the visit and didn't do a couple of social things I would have liked in order to be a "host" and I think that may not have been a good idea in hindsight.

So, in future, I'll go on trips if I want to and not if I don't and bear in mind Mojisola's mum (ie in case guests haven't read the same articles etc as I have on whats appropriate). So I think I might reckon that I agree with "less close" friends that the first day or two are "on me" and, after that, they chip in.

Depends what the visit is - if they're coming to see you, then doing your own thing might be seen as rude - i.e. they might think they've come to see you and feel hurt if you don't want to be part of that. If you can't be available all the time or if it is simply you offering to put them up while they visit the area, then that's fine too...

As with anything, just make sure you've discussed it first and all parties have a shared understanding. That part so often gets missed. :-)