What is appropriate re friend staying?

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

But...for right now...we are on about what is expected/appropriate socially....

Really, you need to set what's acceptable for you in your house.

Big events like weddings can be different - I thought we were talking about people wanting to visit because you live in a holiday area.

Buzzybee90

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Thanks Mojisola,

In my own social circles then it would not be unusual for a wedding to involve the organiser arranging a block booking for accommodation at a suitable hotel at a discount price for the "vaguer" relatives and then telling people that "Its up to you....you can stay there if you please.....or not if you wont/cant afford" and its up to the relatives as to whether they were friendly enough to say "Stay for the night at ours" or to just ignore the fact of a nights accommodation needed (ie because I've come from a bit of a "mixed" background, so there are some different expecations as to how to deal with things).

That's how things are for people in my somewhat "mixed" family personally.

But...for right now...we are on about what is expected/appropriate socially....

- wine/chocolate/flowers on arrival
- if more than a day or two, offer of food money or something like coffee & cake in tearooms
- More than a weekend food money and maybe a meal or paying for you if going somewhere (cinema etc)
- a thank you, maybe a text, email or verbally. I think a thank you card is unlikely from most people under 65.

These would be my expectations and offerings.

Peter333

I do of course mean if they asked to come/invited themselves, then I would arrange a travelodge for a few days. Literally £20-£25 a night for 3 days; we're happy, they're happy.

If I asked them to come, then I may still book the travelodge room yes. I would tell them this in advance, and seriously do not see anything wrong with it. Decent space and privacy for all, and we can get together for certain things, whilst they do other stuff on their own. It's ideal.

Still, horses for courses.

Do what you want to do.

silvercar

I would say the correct form is for people to tell you they would like to stay with you if convenient, it is then for you to dictate the dates and reach an agreement in terms of when and for how long.

We have relatives who say that they are coming on a certain date and would like to stay, makes it difficult to say no.

Also have a common occurance where a lot of family are coming at the same time, say for a family event, and then we are fairly strict on the number that we are prepared to host at one time. I've found the easiest is to make clear the number we can have and then anyone else needs to make arrangements with other relatives or book a hotel.

A sort of pecking order has derived over the years, where the elder family members are hosted by us first. Beyond that it gets difficult to balance the closer relatives against the people that offer us hospitality in their town. I always say we should reciprocate, but closer relatives think they have the right to stay.

People also don't understand that their children require including in the count. So we say we have room for 4 and they take that to mean 4 adults plus their 2 teenagers. I have put my foot down once and suggested that they stay in a hotel and leave the teenagers with us.

Lily-Rose_3

Peter333 wrote: »

I do of course mean if they asked to come/invited themselves, then I would arrange a travelodge for a few days. Literally £20-£25 a night for 3 days; we're happy, they're happy.

If I asked them to come, then I may still book the travelodge room yes. I would tell them this in advance, and seriously do not see anything wrong with it. Decent space and privacy for all, and we can get together for certain things, whilst they do other stuff on their own. It's ideal.

Still, horses for courses.

Do what you want to do.

This sounds ideal Peter.

We are now in a small-ish 2 bed bungalow (and have been for about a year or so,) with a daughter (at uni some of the year,) so we flat out have no room. There are no spare rooms, no seperate dining area etc.

So renting a room in a cheap budget hotel sounds ideal.

Have to say also, that I really don't like having people stay either. Visiting and coming for a meal yes, but not staying.

Each to their own.

Mojisola

Peter333 wrote: »

I do of course mean if they asked to come/invited themselves, then I would arrange a travelodge for a few days. Literally £20-£25 a night for 3 days; we're happy, they're happy.

If I asked them to come, then I may still book the travelodge room yes. I would tell them this in advance, and seriously do not see anything wrong with it. Decent space and privacy for all, and we can get together for certain things, whilst they do other stuff on their own. It's ideal.

There's nothing wrong with it - it's extremely generous! I hope your visitors appreciate what you do for them.

moneyistooshorttomention

silvercar wrote: »

I would say the correct form is for people to tell you they would like to stay with you if convenient, it is then for you to dictate the dates and reach an agreement in terms of when and for how long.

We have relatives who say that they are coming on a certain date and would like to stay, makes it difficult to say no.

Also have a common occurance where a lot of family are coming at the same time, say for a family event, and then we are fairly strict on the number that we are prepared to host at one time. I've found the easiest is to make clear the number we can have and then anyone else needs to make arrangements with other relatives or book a hotel.

A sort of pecking order has derived over the years, where the elder family members are hosted by us first. Beyond that it gets difficult to balance the closer relatives against the people that offer us hospitality in their town. I always say we should reciprocate, but closer relatives think they have the right to stay.

People also don't understand that their children require including in the count. So we say we have room for 4 and they take that to mean 4 adults plus their 2 teenagers. I have put my foot down once and suggested that they stay in a hotel and leave the teenagers with us.

I don't have children in this myself...but do understand exactly where you are coming from, in that every person = one extra bed/one extra stomach to feed/one extra person expecting "attention" and therefore everyone is a "person" regardless of their age. Must admit I would rather deal with 5 adults than one child any day of the week, in view of the current era we live in (which is one where many children seem to expect a lot more "attention" than an adult does).

Better_Days

Well, I've just had my brother, SIL and three children staying for 12 days. :eek:

They bought a lot of their own food and were out nearly every day. Mornings and evenings were hectic though.

My health is poor and I found it exhausting.
DVD's, CBeebies and the ipad saved my sanity for keeping the children quiet when I was trying to rest. And my brother and SIL gave the children strict instructions to keep the noise down, which they pretty much did.

However, they live a long way away and we only see them a couple of times a year. They have had a very difficult year financially due to no fault of their own and this was their only holiday. They did buy me a couple of bunches of flowers and some gifts. They frequently expressed their gratitude for letting them stay. And it was lovely to see family.

The first 5 days or so were hard as we were all trying to get into a routine that suited us all. With hindsight I would have tackled the issues that bothered me sooner. For us it was more important that we didn't have too many niggles as a result of the house-guests than any recompense for the extra electricity, food, water etc (and I wouldn't have dreamed of asking due to their financial situation). More clarity over when they would be leaving would have helped (it seemed to be a movable feast as they were having such a good time and the weather was great) and also when they would get back in the evenings so we knew what to do about the evening meal.

Although they will come and stay again in the future it is very unlikely that it will be for so long, so it was a matter of 'this too will pass' when it all got a bit hectic.

Different households have different priorities but to be fair to my brother and SIL they backed us up whenever we disciplined the children which made things a lot easier. And the two youngest were in floods of tears when it was time to go, wanting to stay longer, and asking if there was a school nearby they could go to, so we must have been doing something right

As other posters have said there are so many variables, but for us the two most important things were that our guests had an enjoyable holiday, but at the same time not upsetting our routine too much in the process.

moneyistooshorttomention

I can relate to that.

I think that was one thing we pretty much got right anyways....as I just took some "alone time" for a couple of hours at the end of the day on the one hand and left them to do their own thing (watch tv or whatever) and, on the other hand, left them to get up when they decided at the beginning of the day on the other hand. I definitely don't believe in disturbing someone's sleep:rotfl:

belfastgirl23

A big element for me is if the person staying (1) is welcome and (2) is in a position to contribute financially. If they are welcome guests who I want to see, and hard up at the time I would want to cover as many costs as possible, if they're less welcome and have some cash I'd expect them to cover some costs. Sadly the reverse is often the case though!