What is appropriate re friend staying?

carefullycautious

Can't think of anything worse, hence my 1 bed home. If guests want to see me they can find a local B&B.

moneyistooshorttomention

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

What happened?

What happened was basically:

- they paid for the petrol in car as we went around to destinations (ie basically destinations of their choice or I thought they would like them)

- they paid for car parking fees

- I covered all the "at home" costs (ie food/electric/etc)

and I honestly don't know whats fair because we have both come from (slightly) different backgrounds/expectations hence why I am wondering about exactly what is fair (ie disregarding the fact that we are from slightly different backgrounds).

Story of my blinkin' life in my case as to what is The Norm and what position I and/or other people have been in in relation to that....and trying to work things out appropriately....

It would help so much if everyone had come from a similar set-up (ie rather than trying to work out some sort of compromise situation between what Your Norm dictates/THE norm is/their norm is.).....agh...my head hurts...

Georgiegirl256

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Oh...they have...and they've been and gone (ie I've been "host" already) and that's why I am wondering......ie as to what is the norm in these situations...

Can I be blunt here? You do seem to be overthinking things. Is it because you haven't received a thank you card but feel you should have? Did they take advantage while they were here?

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Story of my blinkin' life in my case as to what is The Norm and what position I and/or other people have been in in relation to that....and trying to work things out appropriately....

That's why it's worth deciding what suits you and telling people that if they want to visit 'this is how it's going to work'.

Their choice then if they don't like your Norm!

carefullycautious

Did they not take you out for lunch or dinner as a thank you? If not then they have had a free holiday. Or do you visit them and have the same treatment?

If it is going to be a regular occurrence it will start to get to you as you will notice how much extra cost you are having to pay out and to be fair you are not a free hotel.

I could never not offer towards the stay and would leave a thank you card with money in .

moneyistooshorttomention

Mojisola wrote: »

That's why it's worth deciding what suits you and telling people that if they want to visit 'this is how it's going to work'.

Their choice then if they don't like your Norm!

I think you may have hit the nail on the head here, ie as to getting it totally clarified as to what respective "expectations" are in advance.

Its down to that "wedding set-up" situation isn't it? That is, that, in my time I have come across expectations that go all the way from:

- presents expected right the way through from "presents at engagement" time

to

- wedding invite expected for ceremony and reception and present expected

to

- invite expected for reception only

to

- "whattheheck they just got married = so what?"

and my own personal expectations lie along the option 2 thing of "I expect to be invited to ceremony and reception and give a present" lines, but have realised that some people expect either more or less than that.

I do wish we all had the same set of expecations as to The Norm and it would be so much easier to work out what was due and what was more or less than The Norm.:(

picklekin

Personally I think cards are very much an older generation thing, and, IMO, a waste of good trees and postage. I might send a thank you email though. I would however turn up with a box of chocs and a bottle of wine to "thank you for having me". I'd not pay for petrol unless it was us that was driving, as that would have to be a financial transaction and between friends is a bit.. crass? I would buy them a good meal though (£20 for a meal AND wine, where do you live again??). However this would only happen if it occurred naturally (i.e. we did happen to go for a meal, then I'd offer to pay) I wouldn't engineer it just to "pay them for the holiday". I think my company alone is payment enough!

Lucy_Lastic

Kastanie wrote: »

Yep, I agree! One such tale from MSE stands out in my mind:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4733192

Oh, I remember that one! Total nightmare.

Peter333

To be honest, on the occasions we have had family/friends visiting; we have paid for travelodge rooms for them (there is one 7 miles or so from us,) and we have driven them there after they have been to our home. The Travelodge is in the town, so they can also do lots of things without us, and have easy transport links.

TBH, my wife's cousin and husband came last year, and they stayed at our house for NINE HOURS (midday til 9pm,) and we were shattered by the time they went back to their hotel room.

We have had people stay in the past, but we literally cannot stand it now. I would pay for the hotel and taxis for visitors, rather than let them stay with us. Similarly, we don't stay at anyone else's home either - we always get a room ourselves. TBH, our guests AND us are happy with this situation. Everyone needs space and privacy.

GobbledyGook

I think it depends entirely who they are and what kind of trip they are coming on.

When my cousin comes to stay with her children then they are on holiday. She'll send me a list of the places they intend to visit (zoo, theme park etc) and I'll send her back the ones that me and my children will tag along with. So sometimes we'll go places together, sometimes she takes all the kids out, sometimes I take them all out and sometimes they go off and do their own thing. She buys her own food (there's 6 of them) and cooks for all of us on the nights they are eating in (they tend to eat out a lot when they're out for the day). She also stocks up on fruit etc and welcomes my 3 to help themselves. She'll get the hoover out if they place needs hoovered, washes dishes and generally just pitches in with what needs it. She also minds all the kids so OH and I can go out for a meal at least once - that's even nicer than a meal out all of us tbh.

OH's cousin comes with her husband. They do walking holidays. They leave at 5am each morning and are home and in bed by 10pm and we rarely see them! They insist on taking us out for dinner or buying a takeaway before they leave. They maybe have a slice or two of toast or a bowl of cereal, a wee bit leccy, some water, use of a towel and a few sheets of loo roll so I won't take anything off them for food/bills.

Neither send Thank You cards, but I don't feel the need for them as they always thank us while they are here.