What is appropriate re friend staying?

moneyistooshorttomention

Respective financial positions come into it too I would say.

In this case = both of us hard up.

If I were in a comfortable place financially I guess I wouldn't think about it too much. Don't know in reverse.

But with both people "between a rock and a hard place" financially then that is more problematic and an appropriate balance has to be struck.

Better_Days

Yes, it's surprising how disruptive having different bed and getting up times can be.

We are usually up between 6 and 6.30am (this time of year the chickens can be heard clucking with impatience from about 6am) and in bed by 10pm. But my brother and SIL get up later and go to bed later. So it is a matter of minimising disruption for whichever party is in bed at either end of the day.

My brother and SIL liked to have a shower before they went to bed, but it woke us up so we asked them to shower earllier. They were fine about it, but it had simply not occured to them that showering at midnight might disturb us. In an unfamiliar house it is not always obvious what sounds will travel. My brother works shifts so the family is used to him not having a routine, but we are used to very little noise at night. I do think these sort of things need to be sorted out early on and if your house guests are considerate then it shouldn't be a problem.

With regard to finances, I agree that the relative financial position of the parties is relevant. Still, people's attitude towards money varies enormously and it could make for a very uncomfortable conversation if an expected offer towards costs isn't made. Perhaps this is the sort of thing which should be agreed beforehand - perhaps mentioned in an email or telephone conversation so that expectations are managed.

SailorSam

It's a little bit like when i started on the Cabs, i wasn't sure what i should do if i picked up friends as a fare.
I asked one of the other drivers who had been a family friend for years and he said ........ if they'd phoned or flagged a Cab they were obviously willing to pay for it, the fact that i'd turned up as the driver shouldn't change that. He told me that when he first started he'd say to people the first time, ok this can be a freebie on me, but in future i am working. It's rather like if i'd bought a sweet shop instead of the taxi nobody would come in to buy a Mars Bar and expected to be given it for free.

moneyistooshorttomention

So, I would say the overall feeling I am getting then is that people would, in the main, think it was appropriate for guest to treat host to a meal out at some point or something similar.

Also, that its still appropriate, even if guest is taking host round with them during their trips out (ie with host as guide basically), that guest covers all their own petrol and parking fees for those trips and isn't expecting host to pay a share of that.

So the cost of that petrol/parking fees out doesn't seem to be regarded as the "return" for meals/etc provided in hosts' home, but as a personal expense of the guest alone (because its their holiday).

I thought my feelings on whats what were probably pretty much what others would be expecting too, but wanted to check whether I was being unreasonable here and it seems people don't think I am.

BigAunty

I had a friend who lived in the same city stay with me for two months when she was given the chance to escape the maintenance issues in her flat in a crime ridden area when the landlord agreed to an early surrender of the tenancy. We encouraged her to quit her flat where a lady had been gang r-a-p-e-d behind the block. She was going overseas for a few weeks over the festive period where new rentals onto the market would be scarcer and she was worried about rushing into a new tenancy as she's had horrendous rental problems for years.

We refused all offers to pay towards her stay, making it clear that we were friends and we didn't want to enter into a commercial agreement with her. She worked full time, plus 3 or 4 extra evenings per week with another job, so due to these long hours, we often cooked a third portion of our meals and left it for her. She would cook nice meals for us at the weekend. She gave us a generous gift voucher when she moved on and a thank you card. Everyone happy.

We also had friends come and stay for 5 days to see sporting events during the Commonwealth Games. We were pleased to spare them crazy hotel prices. We treated them to a meal out when they arrived, cooked for them most nights and made sure the fridge was full so they could help themselves whenever they liked, including pastries and snacks to take to the games. I made up a small picnic for them one day when they were attending an all day sporting event where expected the catering on site would be poor. I left them food to cook on the nights when my partner and I were out at different events to them. I bought them souvenirs of the games and my partner and I gave their young son some spending money. They offered us their bottles of wine left over from their visit but as I don't drink and my partner is a wine freak with lots of bottles, we politely refused and insisted they take them with them to the holiday cottage they were moving onto. We really enjoyed their visit.

I do subscribe to the Italian saying that visitors are like fish and go off after 3 days but it didn't apply to the two examples here, I really enjoyed being a host.

I wouldn't expect to receive a 'thank you' card, bit old fashioned these days but thanks in person or by text or email is fine.

silvercar

SailorSam wrote: »

It's a little bit like when i started on the Cabs, i wasn't sure what i should do if i picked up friends as a fare.
I asked one of the other drivers who had been a family friend for years and he said ........ if they'd phoned or flagged a Cab they were obviously willing to pay for it, the fact that i'd turned up as the driver shouldn't change that. He told me that when he first started he'd say to people the first time, ok this can be a freebie on me, but in future i am working. It's rather like if i'd bought a sweet shop instead of the taxi nobody would come in to buy a Mars Bar and expected to be given it for free.

Cousin did this. He decided he would give 10% discount to family. Generally means that they pay the full amount, taking the 10% discount adding their 10% tip to bring it up to what was the full fare without the discount but including a tip. Avoids any awkwardness about tipping family etc.

silvercar

Another rule that has evolved over the years is that when we are hosting a family gathering/ party,, no-one stays over. Anyone can assume they drew the short straw, but too much pressure on bathrooms, too many people in a flap, sorting catering etc and too high expectation on guests being given lots of attention, means its better all round. If we had the sort of guests that would muck in and know when to keep their distance it would be different.

silvercar

Wait until you buy a holiday home with the intention of renting it out at peak times, then you really discover the expectations of family and friends!

moneyistooshorttomention

silvercar wrote: »

Wait until you buy a holiday home with the intention of renting it out at peak times, then you really discover the expectations of family and friends!

As in they want the peak weeks for free or at off season rates?

Now that definitely would be taking the Michael.

I'd have no problem with letting friends/family have the weeks that holidaymakers didn't book (ie the place was going to be sitting there empty) and just have them cover the costs (ie fuel they used) during that time, but I'm guessing that isn't what you mean....A decent-size gift would be appropriate too (say £50 worth in that case??).

Well...that question doesn't arise for me personally...as I've not got a holiday home.

ellie99

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

So, I would say the overall feeling I am getting then is that people would, in the main, think it was appropriate for guest to treat host to a meal out at some point or something similar.

Also, that its still appropriate, even if guest is taking host round with them during their trips out (ie with host as guide basically), that guest covers all their own petrol and parking fees for those trips and isn't expecting host to pay a share of that.

So the cost of that petrol/parking fees out doesn't seem to be regarded as the "return" for meals/etc provided in hosts' home, but as a personal expense of the guest alone (because its their holiday).

I thought my feelings on whats what were probably pretty much what others would be expecting too, but wanted to check whether I was being unreasonable here and it seems people don't think I am.

I'm guessing from this that you didn't get treated to a meal out, and you're not too happy about it?

When you've talked of your guest, you seem to be implying that she came to stay because you live in a "holiday spot". Maybe she sees it differently, maybe she made a long journey to visit you, to spend time with her friend?
Perhaps she thinks you both went on enjoyable days out together, not that you were just there to act as a tour guide?

Personally if I have guests to stay, I will put myself out for them and try to make their stay enjoyable. I'd buy extra nice food, and not expect them to contribute to household costs. If we were out, they can buy their own entry tickets to things, but if they were driving, I'd happily pay the parking.

If they took me out for a meal, it would be appreciated, but I wouldn't be looking for it, and it wouldn't upset me if they didn't.