What is appropriate re friend staying?

moneyistooshorttomention

I honestly don't know what might be regarded as "correct" and am canvassing views on this.

I've moved to an area of the country where people like to come on holiday and I can see this is something that will lead, at times, to people I know inviting themselves here for a holiday.

That's fine by me. Nice to see them etc etc.

My own take is that:

It's basically "their" holiday and therefore they cover the cost of getting themselves to/fro (eg petrol in the car assuming they are driving to and from or public transport if they aren't).

In my mind, its appropriate that they cover the cost of petrol to/parking at any destinations they would like to visit whilst here (even if host accompanies them) and the host covers their food/electric/etc within hosts' home. In my book its appropriate that the "Thank you for having me" stuff includes something like treating the host to their share of a reasonable level dinner out somewhere at some point or some reasonable-level present to say "Thanks" (not "Flash Harry" type stuff - just standard meal out of, say, £20-£30 for everything in the meal, ie mains/pudding/some wine).

That's how it is in the circles I mix in personally as to what would be regarded as appropriate to "balance things out" and ensure all parties were happy that things had been fair (based, I guess, on "Well they've not had to pay for accommodation and much of their food/etc"). The host may or may not have taken time out of their schedule for showing the guest around and we'll count that out of this for the sake of argument.

On a non-monetary level, then a "Thank you" card sent shortly afterwards also feels appropriate.

What do other people think about this? What would other people expect that the host paid/the guest contributed in these circumstances?

HappyMJ

Everyone is different. It would be nice to contribute something and send a card but it's not required. You don't have to have them again. Etiquette requires you not to ask for money and refuse if offered but eventually reluctantly accept any offer..very confusing. They should just offer but some people just don't.

Bollotom

If they're family/friends I should think they'd know they pay for themselves and a nice gift to the hosts. Maybe get away with the freebies the first time but a subtle hint for subsequent visits if it looks like becoming a habit. I live in London. Lots of family visits at times concurrent with O2 events, Wembley sports, Festivals et al. I make it clear I am not a hotel but if they want to treat it as such I'll send them a tariff. If they wish to come to visit the family then it indeed is a freebie. The most 'Awkward' one was daughter wanted to bring friend, her hubby and a child. I said okay and the Friend and hubby turned up with one of their friends and no sign of daughter who phoned to say she was going to Edinburgh and could I look after her friends. That is taking the proverbial but I'm sure you'll soon spot the !!!!!!!!!!s. Hope it's a good experience.:cool:

moneyistooshorttomention

Thanks.

That's the one thing I am quite certain on here, ie that a "Thank you" card afterwards is appropriate, with some sort of comment in about how much they enjoyed visiting x/y/z destination.

I don't personally expect any sort of "thank you" present after the event, but a card = yep I do (ie as about the first thing I had to do at Christmas/birthdays as a child was to sit down and write my "thank you" letters for presents received).

Lucy_Lastic

My guests usually arrive with one or two bottles of wine

If we go out and I drive, then they normally pay for the parking cost and either a contribution towards petrol or my entrance ticket (if that applies). It depends who it is and where we go. I did have some friends who would let me pay for their entrance tickets, but I learnt to avoid that by not getting to the head of the ticket queue first!

I recently visited friends and went by train so could not carry wine, flowers etc, but bought both as soon as we went near a supermarket. We did not go out for a meal, but I paid for the swimming tickets. It seems to work itself out. We don't normally do thank you cards between close friends, just a text.

I do like a time limit for visits though. I have lived on my own for a number of years and although I love having guests, 3 nights is normally my maximum for my own sanity. I do not stay with anyone for longer than that either.
What limits do others have? I wonder sometimes if my tolerance levels are low!

Is it bad form to invite yourself to visit friends or should one wait to be invited?

Izadora

I think it depends on how long they're staying. If it's just a weekend then I would be happy to feed them, pick them up from the station and drop them off places without really expecting anything - although a bunch of flowers or bottle of wine are always more than welcome.

If it's longer than that, and therefore the cost of feeding them etc. starts to add up a bit, then I would expect them to offer to get some shopping in or take me for dinner somewhere nice but inexpensive.

I think it would depend on the people staying and their financial situation though - if someone's rolling in it and just using your place for a cheapie holiday then I think I'd be a bit peeved if they didn't offer anything but if someone's skint and staying with you is the only way they're going to get a holiday then I'd have no problem with just a "Thank you".

Buzzybee90

Bottle of drink and offer of paying for something would do me fine.

No one has ever sent me a thank you card but I wouldn't expect my family or close friends to.

Georgiegirl256

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

It's basically "their" holiday and therefore they cover the cost of getting themselves to/fro (eg petrol in the car assuming they are driving to and from or public transport if they aren't).

That goes without saying. You wouldn't be expected to cover he cost of their fuel.

In my mind, its appropriate that they cover the cost of petrol to/parking at any destinations they would like to visit whilst here (even if host accompanies them) and the host covers their food/electric/etc within hosts' home.

Sounds fair.

In my book its appropriate that the "Thank you for having me" stuff includes something like treating the host to their share of a reasonable level dinner out somewhere at some point or some reasonable-level present to say "Thanks" (not "Flash Harry" type stuff - just standard meal out of, say, £20-£30 for everything in the meal, ie mains/pudding/some wine).

Would be nice, and anyone with anything about them would suggest the above. It's only polite to treat your hosts. IMO anyone who doesn't suggest something like the above is taking the host for granted and has no manners.

On a non-monetary level, then a "Thank you" card sent shortly afterwards also feels appropriate.

While a thank you card would be nice, I wouldn't expect one, nor would I probably give one. I would buy my host a little thank you present, but I probably wouldn't give a card, and I don't know many people who would or who would expect one.
Something like a box of chocolates, bottle of wine, bunch of flowers or something personal to the host would be more appropriate.

What do other people think about this? What would other people expect that the host paid/the guest contributed in these circumstances?

Answers above in red.

moneyistooshorttomention

Lucy_Lastic wrote: »

My guests usually arrive with one or two bottles of wine

If we go out and I drive, then they normally pay for the parking cost and either a contribution towards petrol or my entrance ticket (if that applies). It depends who it is and where we go. I did have some friends who would let me pay for their entrance tickets, but I learnt to avoid that by not getting to the head of the ticket queue first!

I recently visited friends and went by train so could not carry wine, flowers etc, but bought both as soon as we went near a supermarket. We did not go out for a meal, but I paid for the swimming tickets. It seems to work itself out. We don't normally do thank you cards between close friends, just a text.

I do like a time limit for visits though. I have lived on my own for a number of years and although I love having guests, 3 nights is normally my maximum for my own sanity. I do not stay with anyone for longer than that either.
What limits do others have? I wonder sometimes if my tolerance levels are low!

Is it bad form to invite yourself to visit friends or should one wait to be invited?

I can follow your comments as to "who pays for what" and can see that might be a bit variable.

Personally, I would say its fine to invite yourself whenever suits you (ie if you are "guest") and then its up to "host" to say whether its convenient or not. So, I'm okay personally with people inviting themselves whenever they wish and I will then say whether that particular timing suits me or no. Timing is obviously going to vary according to "hosts" lifestyle. In my case, I'm retired so its not a problem overall as to timing. Its just down to whether there is a lot going on at the time in my particular area that "guests" might not want to come to and I would feel uncomfortable about taking them too. Personally, I have a lot of weeks where I could focus on "guest", but there are ones where I personally have a lot going on and wouldn't feel "guest" would be comfortable about accompanying me (even though I know other people there wouldn't be bothered).

quidsy

Too many variables, how many staying, kids or no kids, how well you know each other, whether they expect you tocook & tidy up after them like, if they just want the use of house & don't want you to get too involved or if they expect you join in the days out.

I personally would be offering to only those I know very well & for only very short timeframes, no more than a week at a time & expect them to buy their own food, drinks & deal with their own transport etc. And that would be for family & really good friends. Anyone else would be turned down.

I'd expect no thank you car or gift, their respect of my home & privacy proves more than a superficial note/bottle of wine.

moneyistooshorttomention

Clarifying here that my own personal take on things is that I think its fine/quite like it if "Guest from far afield" meets up with "Friends etc I know here" to some extent and I expect both parties to be reasonably polite/friendly to each other.

I wouldn't expect "guest from afar" or "people I know here" to totally fit in "guest" in quite the same way as they do myself...but be friendly/polite/welcoming/etc. There's a balance to be worked out here between what "guest" wants as a holidaymaker and host continuing to "live own life" in my book personally.