What is appropriate re friend staying?

lostinrates

ellie99 wrote: »

Personally if I have guests to stay, I will put myself out for them and try to make their stay enjoyable. I'd buy extra nice food, and not expect them to contribute to household costs. If we were out, they can buy their own entry tickets to things, but if they were driving, I'd happily pay the parking.

If they took me out for a meal, it would be appreciated, but I wouldn't be looking for it, and it wouldn't upset me if they didn't.

I think a key thing in this sort of thing is one can only control one's own part in the arrangement.

Saying in advance, you won't be coming sight seeing but they can use you as a base for example is fine, and agreeing terms re bathroom usage etc.

But you cannot expect cards or meals, merely be grateful if they do arrive.

Personally I would be uncomfortable as a guest and as a host with the guest paying for all driving /parking. Firstly, as the host I'd like to drive so that chatting isn't interrupted by 'left here, right up there, no, no, HERE' and also so they can look around and I can point things out, not possible if they have to drive.

Secondly, if I am going into things then I am enjoying them too and its a staycation for me:). If they go out alone, if we go out together I pay petrol, they might chip in with parking, and they might buy snack or whatever, or we go Dutch.

ellie99

lostinrates wrote: »

Personally I would be uncomfortable as a guest and as a host with the guest paying for all driving /parking. Firstly, as the host I'd like to drive so that chatting isn't interrupted by 'left here, right up there, no, no, HERE' and also so they can look around and I can point things out, not possible if they have to drive.

Secondly, if I am going into things then I am enjoying them too and its a staycation for me:). If they go out alone, if we go out together I pay petrol, they might chip in with parking, and they might buy snack or whatever, or we go Dutch.

I also like to do the driving, as I know the roads.
I don't know if the OP drives or not, but she has said she doesn't have a car, so her guest would have to do all the driving.
As everyone in the car benefits from the trip, it doesn't seem unreasonable that everyone chips in, whether for parking, coffee out, or whatever.

moneyistooshorttomention

Now looking like peoples views are more varied then.

Guess a lot boils down to backgrounds/income levels/level of relationship then.

With such variable opinions as are now coming up, no wonder I'm feeling a bit confused.....

It is obviously a bit of minefield then, with peoples different expectations.

I know it would be a rather easier situation for me personally if I wasn't on such low income at the moment and worrying as to whether I am actually managing to live on that income or no...

lostinrates

ellie99 wrote: »

I also like to do the driving, as I know the roads.
I don't know if the OP drives or not, but she has said she doesn't have a car, so her guest would have to do all the driving.
As everyone in the car benefits from the trip, it doesn't seem unreasonable that everyone chips in, whether for parking, coffee out, or whatever.

Apologies, missed the no car aspect money.

In that case I'd possibly argue more strongly YOU should chip in to visits. After all, a car will make transport to some of the attractions easier for you with your friend! So its of benefit to you they are providing transport, just as its of benefit to them you are providing bed and board!

Mojisola

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Now looking like peoples views are more varied then.

Guess a lot boils down to backgrounds/income levels/level of relationship then.

With such variable opinions as are now coming up, no wonder I'm feeling a bit confused.....

It is obviously a bit of minefield then, with peoples different expectations.

This is why it's really important for you to make sure visitors know what your expectations are. If what you expect is different to their expectations and they don't like it, they don't have to come to stay with you.

You may not find it an easy conversation but it's much harder to sort out problems afterwards if people get upset or you end up feeling resentful because visitors have taken advantage of you.

We always had a stream of visitors at home - my Mum used to say "I'll look after you for the first day; afterwards you've got to muck in with the chores and expenses". Most people were much happier knowing what was expected of them. Anyone who expected to be waited on didn't come again.

There was always some flexibility with visitors who were older or young couples with a new baby or people with health problems but it's easier to be slacker with the rules than to try to tighten them.

hazyjo

I've had friends come from various places to stay. My friend was down from Fife last year.


If she flew in on a weekend or evening, I'd drive to Stansted to pick her up (half hour each way). I wouldn't take money. When I've flown into Edinburgh, she's picked me up.


But then we've gone to see each other, not to use each other's home as a 'base'.


We have bought dinner/lunch for the other before, but not always. She always gets a bottle of wine or two in.


Usually send/get thank you cards but she didn't send one this time. Yes, it would have been nice to get one, but I wasn't about to fall out with her over it - she has a lot on her plate.


My friend in Belfast has told me I'm welcome there any time and would have use of a car - no cost for anything. He'd just be a friend doing me a favour. He's been to mine several times and I've always picked him up from airports, etc. But then once he laid all my flooring for me and painted my house from top to bottom - no charge.


If I was in Scotland with my OH, I'd try to see my friend and maybe stay with her a couple of nights and do some stuff together. If I was tagging a holiday onto that too, I'd move on to a hotel.


Jx

barbiedoll

I/we stay with my best friend a lot at her "holiday destination" home. I don't offer money because I know she and her husband would be most offended but I do buy the booze, treats for the kids (when they were smaller) and I do my bit around the house. We also used to babysit so that they could have a night out alone for a change.

If I went with my DS, we would travel by train and they would pick us up at the station. If we all went out, they would pay for their petrol but I would pay entrance tickets, or buy lunch out. I try not to outstay my welcome and would always take myself and DS out for a day alone, to give them some time away from us, I know how tiring it is, having to entertain guests!

We speak on the phone weekly so I have never sent her a "Thank You" card, she knows how grateful we are to stay with her. To be honest, I would go and stay there if she lived in a grotty house in the middle of somewhere horrid, I go because I like to see her.

She has come to stay with me, both alone and with her family. I treated her to a gig ticket one Christmas, we had a whale of a time.

We don't tot up how much each of us have spent, I was recently in a position to be able to lend her some money when she was having a hard time. It was nice to be able to return the favour, she worries that she can't yet pay it back (she mentions it during every phone call) but as I said to her, we've had enough free holidays out of her and her family.

She has put a stop to one particular mate and his family who would pitch up for "a few days", and stay for almost 2 weeks! :eek:
She said that they never bought so much as a bag of potatoes, yet expected 3 meals a day! Every time they ring up, threatening to come and visit, she tells them that she will be "away"!

moneyistooshorttomention

Mojisola, I rather like your mums rule. I think that might be the easiest way to think about things like this in future.

If someone is a very good friend to whom I feel I "owe a lot", then fair enough and I am basically "paying them back" by giving them a freebie week away.

Otherwise, I think your mums rule might be the best way to go and then everyone knows whats expected.

I've been checking out "the rules" re websites on this from several different countries and they are much as I thought they were basically and my ideas pretty much match them. So that's reassuring, that I did know pretty much how things are in this respect and I "got it right".

On the other hand, I took it that my role was to be a guide to the area and all these articles/websites don't seem to think that's part of it. Wish I'd known that, as I wouldn't have gone off on a repeat visit to somewhere I didn't wish to go again, but my comment about that seemed to go unheard. I basically abandoned "my own life" during the visit and didn't do a couple of social things I would have liked in order to be a "host" and I think that may not have been a good idea in hindsight.

So, in future, I'll go on trips if I want to and not if I don't and bear in mind Mojisola's mum (ie in case guests haven't read the same articles etc as I have on whats appropriate). So I think I might reckon that I agree with "less close" friends that the first day or two are "on me" and, after that, they chip in.

ellie99

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

If someone is a very good friend to whom I feel I "owe a lot", then fair enough and I am basically "paying them back" by giving them a freebie week away.
.

Of course you don't want to be taken advantage of, but this seems a very calculating way to think of your friends.

Surely they're coming to see YOU, and spend time with you, not just to get a freebie week away?

Mojisola

ellie99 wrote: »

Of course you don't want to be taken advantage of, but this seems a very calculating to think of your friends.

Surely they're coming to see YOU, and spend time with you, not just to get a freebie week away?

I understood money to mean that arrangements between friends are often reciprocal - it's not calculated, you just know things even out more-or-less.