Advice please - relationship & friends.

egoode

Good luck with the meeting with them. Like others have said I don't think it will resolve things like you and your OH seem to think it will. Just remember whatever she says to remain calm, don't raise your voice and try not to cry in front of them.

I really do hope it works out for you.

DJS1988

Sue.D.Nim wrote: »

It's a shame you feel your thread is going in a bad direction, as obviously it's good for you to air your feelings and get some feedback so you feel you have some support in all of this. I hope you keep your thread going to let us know how you get on.

Even those you think are being mean must care enough about your situation to follow and comment with their advice. Some are just more blunt than others.

It must be hard everyone disagreeing with your next move though. None of the rest of the posters have feelings for your boyfriend. We are basing our thoughts on what you have told us and seeing the issue from the outside using these facts only. Things are obviously going to be very different for you as you love the guy. Maybe you might not like what people are saying because you probably know where they are coming from in the back of your mind, but want to fight for your relationship - so it might hurt to hear?

You've mentioned a few times that you are confident, and you seem it. My worry is that if this carries on, it might chip away at your confidence.

He's already shown once that he puts their feelings before yours, so I really hope for your sake that he doesn't prove that again during this 'meeting'. Stay strong, keep your wits about you, don't react to goading if possible and also say as little as possible (letting others speak more can lead to their mouths running away with them), hold your head high and keep the upper hand. Don't sit there and let them have a go at you. Speak to your boyfriend before hand and explain that if they are being unreasonable or nasty then you will get up and leave as you are getting nowhere (and that he needs to back you up). And as he's the 'prize' you're all fighting over, he needs to man up and speak up too.

Good luck

Thanks Sue.

I won't let this chip away at my personal confidence, or the confidence I have in our relationship. If I didn't think I was with this guy for keeps, I wouldn't put myself through a potentially very awkward situation with these people, as I wouldn't care enough. Same goes for him - if he didn't see me as a long term fixture in his life, he'd happily go about his business keeping the two sides seperate. He cares about both sides and wants everyone he loves to get on. Whilst I think this girl is a nasty person - I can't blame him for wanting that.


Your last paragraph is exactly how I intend to play it. Lots of counting to ten in my head will occur I'm sure. I don't think they will attack me personally if I'm honest, it will be more of "you two rowed and he's our mate so we're protective", which I know I don't even have to answer - my partner will as he's said enough if that's the ONLY reason it's ridiculous, particularly when they've has plenty of disagreements around him.

If they did have personal things about me specifically, I'm quite hard nosed, and always think "well, plenty of people DO like me", so I'm not worried about being upset or reacting badly to that. After this weekend too I'm very assured he will have my back and be supportive. End of the day, he's with me and says he takes it personally if I'm bad mouthed as that's calling into question his judgement aside of upsetting me.

We shall see what happens!

DJS1988

]Although the constant "he puts their feelings first" I don't agree with. In the backstory to this he's been a huge support and has made his feelings very clear.

Yes I'm angry he chose to go this weekend, and I've had to swallow if to an extent,but I don't want it to be assumed here it's a constant thing and I'm a meek little girl putting up with it time and time again. He may not see what a b**** she is, but when she's done b****y things he's fronted it out in the past.

Also - no one be under any illusion that if I ever feel going forward this IS a constant state of affairs that I would stay just because I love him. Right now I trust in him enough to feel assured whatever happens with his friends, we are going to be ok. Not just because I'll stay regardless, but because I know he views the relationship as important as I do.

duchy

IF this meeting ever happens........and I have my doubts the girl will agree to it from what you've said.......... Let your BF do the talking first and speak about how you two as a couple feel about the situation,thus setting the tone that it is a couple having a discussion with another couple .....and heading off any thoughts she may have about trying to divide and conquer.

January20

DJS1988 wrote: »

Is calling someone thick not nasty? If Dandelion had learning difficulties which make their spelling poor I'm sure they wouldn't use such a hurtful word. Then to go and tell someone they need to work on their self esteem?

I've continuously thanked people for their words of advice, whether I feel they help or not as I appreciate people taking the time out of their day to do so. However, if someone is being intentionally imflamatory what do you expect me to do? I've laid my stall out, I've posted an update of what's been resolved to this point and my feelings on it. I'm informing interested parties of my decisions and where we've chosen to go from here - that does not warrant someone calling anyone thick.

Saying that someone with learning difficulties would not use such a word as "thick" is very naive and shows your lack of understanding of the subject! I come across plenty of people with learning difficulties in my line of work and I can tell you that most of them can use stronger words that "thick". :eek:
(Also when you are picking somebody up on their spelling, you really ought to make sure every single one of your words is spelled properly )

Anyway, I'm not going to argue with you about whether Dandelion was nasty or not. It is quite obvious that we don't agree so let's not waste our time

I hope you will get a positive ending to this sad situation. I am concerned though that if a meeting does happen, you will not be able to keep your cool and you will appear as the bad guy. It will be 2 against 1. These people, like a lot of posters on here, will say things you don't want to hear. They will not agree with you whatever you say. So, can you keep calm and not let your feelings get the better of you?

tea_lover

January20 wrote: »

I hope you will get a positive ending to this sad situation. I am concerned though that if a meeting does happen, you will not be able to keep your cool and you will appear as the bad guy. It will be 2 against 1. These people, like a lot of posters on here, will say things you don't want to hear. They will not agree with you whatever you say. So, can you keep calm and not let your feelings get the better of you?

Exactly. You're really not painting yourself in a positive light here when people are daring to disagree with you. If this is how you're coming across to your OH's friends I can see why they'd have concerns.

dandelionclock30

OP just to let you know I dont have learning difficulties and I believe I'm not thick. The main reason that I'm not very good at spelling is because I was taught to read and write using the ITA system not standard English.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Initial_Teaching_Alphabet
This was an educational experiment in the 1970s(and earlier) and the reason behind it was that it was thought to enable children to learn to read and write more quickly than the standard system. However it was scapped after children then found it difficult to transfer over to the standard English 4 years later. Lots of my peers then had difficulties with spelling and written English.
Just because someone isnt very good at spelling also doesnt make them thick, there could be loads of different reasons for this from poor eyesight, to dyslexia, bad schooling,English not being their first language etc.

DJS1988

You're all forgetting it's not me whom called anyone thick, not Dandelion, not a soul.

Dandelion - that's all very nice, and I never would've pulled you up on your spelling if you was not totally derogatory.

I wish I had not returned here with an update, one I thought was positive, one where I said I thought my OH had been a prat. Sitting behind a keyboard calling someone thick isn't the best way of doing things on what is meant to be an advice forum.

If someone can lock this thread I'd be most grateful.

lulu_92

It's a forum! get over it!

victory

DJS1988 wrote: »

You're all forgetting it's not me whom called anyone thick, not Dandelion, not a soul.

Dandelion - that's all very nice, and I never would've pulled you up on your spelling if you was not totally derogatory.

I wish I had not returned here with an update, one I thought was positive, one where I said I thought my OH had been a prat. Sitting behind a keyboard calling someone thick isn't the best way of doing things on what is meant to be an advice forum.

If someone can lock this thread I'd be most grateful.

I am sure they can lock this thread, not a problem.

What is a problem is your reaction to the posters on here, that have not necessarily replied to your favour, as I have said way back in another post it happens all the time on an open forum (when you were complaining that posters were telling you to 'leave him') post 111 so if you can get your hackles up so bad over faceless keyboard bashers how will you be able to keep your cool within a meet where the lady obviously does not like you, has no interest in you and what you want to say and lots of things will go off track and get talked about that you will not like/approve of/want to talk about/would prefer to avoid?

Are you going to ask for the thread to be closed?