Advice please - relationship & friends.

Daxx

In your post 270 you say that you do not want to your partner to be taken in by her and for him to see what she is like...

To me that ultimately says that you do not want him to be friends with her. Think you want control of the friendship and at the moment you don't have it.

Good luck with the meeting however I don't think things will magically be OK. Instead you will end up with them disliking you even more for trying to control your other halves opinions.

DJS1988

Yes I do want that. I'd prefer him not to be friends with her, I won't lie, but whilst she's with his best friend, he is going to be. That's how it is. I am simply saying I want to get to a point where my partner is not put in the horrible situation of being told his girlfriend isn't welcome to something he wants me to share with him, and that I want to be with him at too.

I'm not trying to control anything, I want them to explain their issues, and me and my OH do the same so we're all clear where we stand and move on from that point.

I feel it's much better than just leaving things up in the air, having to be in situations where we are with them and it's hugely awkward and I feel uncomfortable being there. Whether it's nice or not, I much prefer to know where I stand with people.

purpleshoes_2

DJS1988 wrote: »

We aren't discussing any of the romantic relationships. We're discussing my relationship with them, and how I respect their friendship with my partner so they need to respect me, and that she needs to understand I do have my boundaries of how another woman acts towards him, friends or not. They need to be aware organising BIG things like a weekend away for his 30th should be run by me before sending an invitation to all and sundry.

BF wants me to get all my points across, so they can't use the "we didn't know" excuse again in future.

Hes the one who should be telling them if any major events happen (even if its a surprise like a party), that you are included. This shouldnt need to come from you. It should be from him.

If people had manners they wouldnt be behaving like this in the first place? Do you think for one minute that they knew that organising stuff for his 30th and leaving you out of the loop wouldnt upset you?

He's the one who should be telling them to sort themselves out. Not you. As for him wanting you to get your points across, words actually fail me, if your partner had a bit of oomph about him you wouldnt have been placed in this situation to start with.

He sounds like hes trying to please everyone and some people are like that, but when he has friends who have upset his gf more than once he really needs to have a good long think about where his priorities actually lie.

purpleshoes_2

And given that this wasnt the first instance of this woman behaving horribly towards you, thats the mistake he made choosing them over you last weekend.

He knows shes been hurtful to you in the past and he chose to socialise with them and not you.

That doesnt sound like a keeper to me.

purpleshoes_2

They don't need to respect you, this is the problem. No one can make another person respect them and behave in a respectful manner if they don't want to. It would be nice if they did and if they backed off and gave your relationship some space, you can ask for respect, but that doesn't mean you are going to get it.

I am baffled as to why your partner would choose to be friends with people who have such a negative influence in your relationship.

DJS1988

He has, and for him it's cut and dry - I will be at things as they do not have the say. However, knowing what this girl is like she will keep being organiser, or having things at their house, and saying she doesn't feel comfortable me being there/inviting me. That's where the problem lies and that's what he is unhappy with and has been in the past.

The don't have manners and I know it was done in a disrespectful manner. He doesn't see that - he sees that I was invited and that therefore I had my chance to say well, no, we are doing this on that date etc. I can't make him see different, I have tried and it's something we disagree on.

He HAS told them to sort it out. I have said that in previous posts..

I want to have my say, I am not hiding behind my boyfriend anymore. I've watched and listened to him handle it in the past, I've seen them apologise, invite me eventually, I've seen him say it's not good enough and that it doesn't make up for it. I've seen him tell them I am who he loves and that he won't be around. I know in the past when I have 100% done nothing wrong, he has backed me, I know he would again. However, what they are doing is towards me, and I want my say in the matter as well.

duchy

That's the bit that worries me to be honest.
He is (now) talking the talk but his previous actions don't reflect what he's saying.

He has allowed this to get to confrontation point instead of nipping it in the bud with the first nasty comments and not inviting. All he had to say was "Don't be daft she's my girlfriend of course she's coming - WITH ME" and none of this would have escalated.

He sounds like a people pleaser -and will try to agree with everyone -and end up pleasing no-one. Which was why I said get him to take the lead and discuss it in terms of "you" as a couple unit - not you as the unwelcome 4th wheel
EDIT If he has already told them to sort it out - why haven't they ? Have they no respect for his wishes ?

If this is just about you having your say rather than seeking resolution so his friendships can continue-I wouldn't hold your breath ! This isn't likely to end well.

DJS1988

purpleshoes wrote: »

They don't need to respect you, this is the problem. No one can make another person respect them and behave in a respectful manner if they don't want to. It would be nice if they did and if they backed off and gave your relationship some space, you can ask for respect, but that doesn't mean you are going to get it.

I am baffled as to why your partner would choose to be friends with people who have such a negative influence in your relationship.

I may not - but if we don't get that from them, they know he's not going to stand for it.

I'm not happy about the weekend but I have to treat his behaviour about that slightly differently and give some lee-way as he also thinks I dealt with things wrongly, and as much as I would love him to think I am right all the time...he's not going to.

If he doesn't have my back in this next scenario, and if the worst did happen and they continue their behaviour, and he does not action against it or support me, then yes, I would be thinking about walking away, but I really dont think that will be the outcome of the meeting.

DJS1988

duchy wrote: »

That's the bit that worries me to be honest.
He is (now) talking the talk but his previous actions don't reflect what he's saying.

He has allowed this to get to confrontation point instead of nipping it in the bud with the first nasty comments and not inviting. All he had to say was "Don't be daft she's my girlfriend of course she's coming - WITH ME" and none of this would have escalated.

He did. The guy did not invite me to his bday meal which was just close friends and family. My partner said he would not be going if I wasn't invited as it was rude to us both to do so. I was then excluded to a gathering at their house, (after our argument in front of them, but after apologies has been given, they'd spoken and seen both of us and been fine) again he told them it was not on, and he would not be there. They did then invite me but he said, it was too little too late and we went and did something with my/our friends.

He sounds like a people pleaser -and will try to agree with everyone -and end up pleasing no-one. Which was why I said get him to take the lead and discuss it in terms of "you" as a couple unit - not you as the unwelcome 4th wheel
EDIT If he has already told them to sort it out - why haven't they ? Have they no respect for his wishes ?

He is, and I have told him. Trying to keep everyone happy ultimately doesn't work and I think after this weekend of talking rather than arguing, he realises that a lot more.

purpleshoes_2

DJS1988 wrote: »

He has, and for him it's cut and dry - I will be at things as they do not have the say. However, knowing what this girl is like she will keep being organiser, or having things at their house, and saying she doesn't feel comfortable me being there/inviting me. That's where the problem lies and that's what he is unhappy with and has been in the past.

The don't have manners and I know it was done in a disrespectful manner. He doesn't see that - he sees that I was invited and that therefore I had my chance to say well, no, we are doing this on that date etc. I can't make him see different, I have tried and it's something we disagree on.

He HAS told them to sort it out. I have said that in previous posts..

I want to have my say, I am not hiding behind my boyfriend anymore. I've watched and listened to him handle it in the past, I've seen them apologise, invite me eventually, I've seen him say it's not good enough and that it doesn't make up for it. I've seen him tell them I am who he loves and that he won't be around. I know in the past when I have 100% done nothing wrong, he has backed me, I know he would again. However, what they are doing is towards me, and I want my say in the matter as well.

Well if he doesnt see that Id be having a good long think about whether I would want to be with someone who cant see that his partner is being openly disrespected by friends of his.

I dont think the issues you need to sort out are going to be sorted with this chat, the problem lies with him as much as it lies with the people who dont like you.