Advice please - relationship & friends.

purpleshoes_2

DJS1988 wrote: »

Yeah, whilst my boyfriend doesn't think they had anything to do with that break up (when I say they must have, he questions if I think he's that shallow..) as he was not happy with that ex, I definitely know that the girl in question views her bad treatment of her as something to be proud of, as she's told me herself. I think it was along the lines of "lucky for you we wouldn't be around her or he might still be with her".

That's the attitude I am sadly dealing with!

If people are toxic, you get rid of them from your lives, thats the bottom line.

Morglin

The OP needs to remove them from her life, but her BF seems quite happy, so best he keeps his mates, she keeps hers, and everyone gets some personal space!

Lin

DJS1988

purpleshoes wrote: »

If people are toxic, you get rid of them from your lives, thats the bottom line.

He doesn't see them as toxic though, does he, that's the point.

purpleshoes_2

DJS1988 wrote: »

He doesn't see them as toxic though, does he, that's the point.

Well, he has very poor judgement if what you have said about this girl is true and I do think all you are doing with this meeting is papering over the cracks. He needs to decide where his loyalties lie, if he wants a future with you and one of his friends is being less than pleasant and then some, well, love isnt allowing someone you want to be with long term to be excluded and spoken to/about in negative terms.

DJS1988

purpleshoes wrote: »

Well, he has very poor judgement if what you have said about this girl is true and I do think all you are doing with this meeting is papering over the cracks. He needs to decide where his loyalties lie, if he wants a future with you and one of his friends is being less than pleasant and then some, well, love isnt allowing someone you want to be with long term to be excluded and spoken to/about in negative terms.

which he isn't allowing...I'm not sure you've read all of the posts.

purpleshoes_2

DJS1988 wrote: »

which he isn't allowing...I'm not sure you've read all of the posts.

I have. Im just not convinced that hes as supportive of you as you seem to think hes being.

snowleopard61

OP, I have to admit that the meeting itself wouldn’t be my style (I’m a great believer in ‘Least said, soonest mended’). But if you can manage to keep your cool and be 100% reasonable – fitting in with your BF’s typically male, logical outlook and trying to ignore undercurrents and sly digs – I think you may well find that, given enough rope, this girl will hang herself, so to speak. That’s to say, if not at the meeting, then at some stage in the future, she will show her true colours and your BF too will lose patience with her. If the meeting ends with an agreement to let bygones be bygones, he’s not going to stand for her excluding you again, or dragging all this up in the future.

jenhug

I hope you continue to keep us updated OP. She sounds like a piece of work.

The clear the air meeting that your OH suggests would probably work in an all male situation, because in my experience men are far better at airing their point of view and moving on than women are. Lets face it, us women never forget an argument, a snide look, even what people were wearing when they peed us off! We are just made differently.

I do think your OH has let you down with regards to going to the party, however, whats done is done and you have decided to move forward together which is great.

This woman will always be a toxic influence in his life and I wish you the very best of luck in dealing with that in a calm and reasonable manner. Fingers crossed one day the penny drops properly for him.

Please do keep us updated if possible. x

meritaten

for what its worth - while I don't think this 'meeting' will have the desired outcome - the OP seems the kind of person who cannot stand things swept under the carpet to fester.
her OH is attempting to 'negotiate peace' to my mind. and he does sound a lovely person, perhaps he wouldn't have gone to the birthday bash if you hadn't been going to the engagement do? moot point now.
I think this woman sounds extremely immature, and I get the strong feeling that all this 'socialising' will die off naturally as 'couples' have kids and more responsibilities etc. at the moment you are all young couples - things change and people do see less of childhood friends if they aren't on the same wavelength.

go hun if the meeting takes place. at least you and OH will know that you TRIED to make peace.

Dozey_crow

Hi DJS1988,

Read latest update with interest and I CAN see why you want to try. My understanding is that you have to give it a go to a) ensure that you hear what they have to say first hand 2) you have a chance to respond directly and an opportunity to read body language etc etc. More importantly you will get a clearer indication of where things really stand with your oh as what he does \doesn't say or do well speak volumes. Them whichever way it plays out you have done your best and given everyone and everything a chance.

The way this thread has deteriorated into ridiculous squabbling is awful (but as I said before a symptom of this board for whatever reason have a look at the female friend ended friendship thread) and you have handled it well.

Please some lock the thread but don't reply to inflammatory posts or demanding questioning. I for one find this really interesting and come see why yet another thread should be removed because of a small number of posters.

Good luck with it all.