Advice please - relationship & friends.

Pyxis

DJS1988 wrote: »

I don't think it'll "work" in the sense we will all be best buds (I think people here think that's the result I'm after..) but I know I won't rise to any bait if it's there, it'll either be cards on the table and we have to suck up whatever the others say, and be civil as a result. Or she shows herself up and my partner will see what I have all along (and what he saw initially - not sure if it's been mentioned but he couldn't stand her for the first year his friend was with her, but did what's been done here and sat down in a neutral environment and cleared up issues they had).

This is interesting. How long ago did his friend meet this girl? What was it about her your OH didn't like? What made him change his mind about her? What were the issues they had that were cleared up after discussion?
Is history repeating itself, perhaps?

duchy

purpleshoes wrote: »

I have. Im just not convinced that hes as supportive of you as you seem to think hes being.

I get this sense as well.
He sounds like my ex - who was basically a lovely guy but wanted everyone to be happy and hated confrontation so would not confront.

Had one of his friends said i wasn't invited to something because he didn't like me ....he'd have played diplomat and tried to keep everyone happy rather than make a stand. My current partner when faced with the same circumstance would simply say " She's my choice- I like her - it's both of us or neither of us " He wouldn't allow a "friend" to disrespect either me or his choices.

Frankly it is all a bit teenager to try and control a friend's relationships by trying to exclude their chosen partner from the "gang". Once your boyfriend realizes this (maybe you could introduce him to some adults) I don't think they will be a problem as he will no longer be enabling their behavour. Bottom line is they can only behave this way because he is letting them !

I suspect this "meeting" (if the GF has the balls to go ahead with it) will be all about what they think and what they want -and how he has changed since he has been with you (which he has - he wants to spend his spare time with you and not with them - and has less spare time because of his business). It may just make him realize it is all about them !

Personally I wouldn't bother with them - I'd make sure there were lots of other social things to do -and let the friendship fall away naturally. A couple of 30ths can be endured as they will not be small events so it would be easy to spend little or no time interacting with these people there anyway. Having a "meeting" gives them the impression they are more important than they actually are to your relationship .

From what you've said about the girlfriend - been the centre of attention and in control is very important to her ........refusing to give her attention and showing what she thinks is of no importance by just getting on with your lives and not responding to her games or pandering to her little girl demands is probably the best way to get your point across without massive fallout. If she continues to dodge the meeting - let her - tell your boyfriend that if it was that important to them they'd have set it up by now.

DJS1988

Pyxis wrote: »

This is interesting. How long ago did his friend meet this girl? What was it about her your OH didn't like? What made him change his mind about her? What were the issues they had that were cleared up after discussion?
Is history repeating itself, perhaps?

They've been together around 6 years I believe. My partner said she not treat his friend well at all when they first got together, and I don't know the ins and outs but I know she and my OH had stand up rows (which is not his style at all). My OH's Mum has reminded him only recently of this, and how the girl called my partner a c*** during one row. She's seemingly never taken to her, and has told me she thinks she's childish with all the talking to the ex etc - and his Mum is not someone whom ever talks bad about people.

My OH went travelling for a year, and it seems by the time he got back, they were in a serious relationship and they ended up getting on for the guy, and in time became good friends.

DJS1988

duchy wrote: »

I get this sense as well.
He sounds like my ex - who was basically a lovely guy but wanted everyone to be happy and hated confrontation so would not confront.

Had one of his friends said i wasn't invited to something because he didn't like me ....he'd have played diplomat and tried to keep everyone happy rather than make a stand. My current partner when faced with the same circumstance would simply say " She's my choice- I like her - it's both of us or neither of us " He wouldn't allow a "friend" to disrespect either me or his choices.

He doesn't like confrontation but I have seen him stand up to them when he thinks I/We have been treated unfairly - ie, telling his best friend he would not attend his birthday without the invite extended to me, "she is part and parcel of me now and you need to understand that" etc, and when I was excluded by the girl he did quite go to town with them on how he thought it was bang out of order. He is capable of it which is why I don't feel I am going into this situation alone.


Frankly it is all a bit teenager to try and control a friend's relationships by trying to exclude their chosen partner from the "gang". Once your boyfriend realizes this (maybe you could introduce him to some adults) I don't think they will be a problem as he will no longer be enabling their behavour. Bottom line is they can only behave this way because he is letting them !

I do think he realises to some extent how they are- I've said to him numerous times, that when with my friends, or with family we never have any issues, and everyone bar these two people seem so happy for the both of us. He's in total agreement about the "Queen Bee" line of thinking, he does think she's had her nose put out of joint by someone coming in and settling into "her" group as well as I did initially.

I suspect this "meeting" (if the GF has the balls to go ahead with it) will be all about what they think and what they want -and how he has changed since he has been with you (which he has - he wants to spend his spare time with you and not with them - and has less spare time because of his business). It may just make him realize it is all about them !

I hope they do say that - I know exactly what his response is to people when they say he's "never about" anymore - why don't you ask why that is, rather than assuming it's just because I've got a misssus now. He's said he feels he has grown up more in the last year than in the previous 10 and if people can't understand it, that's their issue.

Personally I wouldn't bother with them - I'd make sure there were lots of other social things to do -and let the friendship fall away naturally. A couple of 30ths can be endured as they will not be small events so it would be easy to spend little or no time interacting with these people there anyway. Having a "meeting" gives them the impression they are more important than they actually are to your relationship .

From what you've said about the girlfriend - been the centre of attention and in control is very important to her ........refusing to give her attention and showing what she thinks is of no importance by just getting on with your lives and not responding to her games or pandering to her little girl demands is probably the best way to get your point across without massive fallout. If she continues to dodge the meeting - let her - tell your boyfriend that if it was that important to them they'd have set it up by now.

He's still going to want to see his group of friends though, and even if it's 1/2 times a month I don't want to feel I CAN'T go - choosing not to is a different beast, but I am not going to keep feeling I am not welcome in his friendship group because of them.

I think we are seeing them tomorrow, not 100% sure as TBH I couldn't be bothered to ask him last night if he has spoken to them - but I will later today.

Pyxis

DJS1988 wrote: »

Around 17/18 years, so a long, long time. I don't want him to lose that relationship at all. The guy and I did get on well, I don't think he's bad through and through - just a bit dim and easily led. In addition to this (please don't berate me for this, just giving insight), he used to be a big guy. She runs him to the ground in public and puts him down a lot, but I think he still has the mentality that he should put up with it as he's "lucky" to have her. The way she talks to him is brushed off by all as "that's just how they are", but it's quite tough to hear as a new person coming into the group.

This is quite revealing, too. By 'a big guy', I take it to mean the friend used to have a weight problem, and a self-esteem problem. So he thinks he's lucky to have a girlfriend, and maybe is terrified of being on his own. The GF, similarly, appears to be scared of being on her own, too. Why? Because she sounds very insecure. She constantly puts him down, a sign of insecurity, and he takes it because he's also insecure, and it reinforces his belief that he's lucky to have her. "Yes, she's right, I'm awful, but she still wants to be with me," etc.
Out of interest, did she know him before he lost all his weight? If so, she could be terrified that, now he's 'more attractive', she might lose him.
Did she originally come between your OH and his friend? Did she see their close relationship as a threat? If so, insecurity again. Probably low self-esteem herself, hence the need to be the centre of everything.. Maybe your OH's first girlfriend, the one she got on with, danced to her tune, but the one she 'got rid of' may not have put up with being controlled.
How very sad. As has been suggested before, their relationship may be full of flaws as a result of this low self esteem on both sides. And being more on their own together only highlights the problems.
For all the bluff and bluster, she may be a very sad individual, who is to be pitied, and maybe even helped.

Does your OH ever have man chats just with his friend? Could he find out what the real situation is with their relationship? ( the friend's and his GF's, that is).
In any event, if they say what's the big deal about your OH being invited on his own, perhaps your OH should ask his friend how he would feel if your OH asked him to his birthday party but not to bring the GF!

At the end of the day, try to feel sorry for her, rather than anger. If any of the above rings true, she is a very unhappy individual.

System

At the end of the day, try to feel sorry for her, rather than anger. If any of the above rings true, she is a very unhappy individual.

She just seems like a diva to me.:(

DJS1988

Pyxis wrote: »

This is quite revealing, too. By 'a big guy', I take it to mean the friend used to have a weight problem, and a self-esteem problem. So he thinks he's lucky to have a girlfriend, and maybe is terrified of being on his own. The GF, similarly, appears to be scared of being on her own, too. Why? Because she sounds very insecure. She constantly puts him down, a sign of insecurity, and he takes it because he's also insecure, and it reinforces his belief that he's lucky to have her. "Yes, she's right, I'm awful, but she still wants to be with me," etc.
Out of interest, did she know him before he lost all his weight? If so, she could be terrified that, now he's 'more attractive', she might lose him.

They all knew each other to say hello to but that's all. She says - her BF was the "fat one", my OH "was his cool mate".

Did she originally come between your OH and his friend? Did she see their close relationship as a threat? If so, insecurity again. Probably low self-esteem herself, hence the need to be the centre of everything.. Maybe your OH's first girlfriend, the one she got on with, danced to her tune, but the one she 'got rid of' may not have put up with being controlled.

She did a little, in that they wasn't as close for a time. His friend stopped confiding in my OH about his relationship as he knew what my OH's response would be.
I think the only reason she got on with that ex was because she lives quite far away, so wasn't around very much, so it didn't have any effect on how much they "had him".

How very sad. As has been suggested before, their relationship may be full of flaws as a result of this low self esteem on both sides. And being more on their own together only highlights the problems.
For all the bluff and bluster, she may be a very sad individual, who is to be pitied, and maybe even helped.

I know they've had alot of issues recently, haven't been getting on, both sides coming to my OH for advice. From my perspective I would say not having my partner as a buffer and having more alone time is a factor in that in some way.

Does your OH ever have man chats just with his friend? Could he find out what the real situation is with their relationship? ( the friend's and his GF's, that is).
In any event, if they say what's the big deal about your OH being invited on his own, perhaps your OH should ask his friend how he would feel if your OH asked him to his birthday party but not to bring the GF!

He said exactly that over the guys birthday thing "I would never do that to you, she comes with me to these things, or I won't be there".

At the end of the day, try to feel sorry for her, rather than anger. If any of the above rings true, she is a very unhappy individual.

I'd like to be nice enough to - but the upset she's caused me makes it very hard!

dandelionclock30

Its like something off Jeremy Kyle is all this. I think its a wind up, what person would still be friends with someone who called them a CXXX?
I dont know anyone at all who would put up with all this.
Theres something not right, it too far fetched and silly.

duchy

I think the stand out thing in the OPs last posts was that her BF says he has grown up in the last year (he's nearly 30) and it sounds like if the OP does nothing her OH will simply realise he has outgrown this couple and their daft teenage behaviour. Time will solve a lot of this without needing confrontation.

Pyxis

Thank you, DJS1988 for all those comprehensive and lucid explanations. Sorry if it seemed like an interrogation at times!

However, you, have explained everything very clearly; some things you have patiently explained more than once.

I think we all have the complete picture now. There's nothing more that need be added until you have had the meeting and heard what is said there.

I hope you will feel up to letting us know the outcome. A lot of posters on this thread really feel for you, and hope it will all end well. The biggest loser will be GF, as she will lose you as a good friend.

Good luck!