Advice please - relationship & friends.

DJS1988

Hi There,

Haven’t posted on here a long while but I really need some outside perspective on a situation I am struggling with.

I’m in a very happy relationship, with an amazing guy who I completely see my future with. I had a really tough couple of years before I met him, fought to get myself happy and healthy and then met him – everything seemed to have fallen in to place.

I want to try and give as non-bias history but it’s a little hard..

Basically, my partner has a very close friendship with his best friend, and best friends girlfriend (when I got together a lot of people joked that there would be 4 of us in the relationship, which I laughed off). Initially, the four of us got on well, we’d go to theirs for films and take-aways, the normal stuff. The girlfriend isn’t particularly my cup of tea, but easily someone I could spend an evening or two with. The guy and I got on very well from the outset.

However, more and more when we were all out together, parties/pub/house gatherings and so on, I felt the girlfriend was always harking back to “old times”, always something my partners ex-ex girlfriend was at, how amazing it all was, and generally leaving me out. It got to the point where every time I was in her company, I felt uncomfortable and would want to leave early, or was not my usual self. In addition to this, she continuously asks my partner to meet for drinks after work, and one time when he did meet her (he generally doesn’t get back to her, or suggests the three of us meet up, to which she doesn’t reply) they ended up missing the last train and staying in a hotel. This obviously went down like a lead balloon – although I am 100% nothing would ever happen and trust my partner would not do anything to hurt me or his best friend. He knows if there was a next time I would not be so understanding however.

Also – this girl from the outset told me how glad she was my partner got together with me as she hated his previous girlfriend (not the one mentioned above) and would not speak to him whilst he was with her.

Now, moving forward, the awkwardness I felt continued, and I told my boyfriend, but being a man he couldn’t quiet see what she was doing to make me feel that way, and he’s quite logical so “womans intuition” didn’t wash with him. One night we were out with them, again, I felt awkward as I was being left out and not spoken to, even though I was really making an effort (my partner smokes so I’m generally pretty good at not “clinging” to him and having a fun night with everyone else) which culminated in he and I having a drunken argument. This continued until we were dropped at his friends house, and did get quite loud outside their property – something we both profusely apologized for, they accepted and everything was ok – or so I thought.

This then led to two occasions where I was not invited out with them, although my partner was. He clearly told them this was not acceptable and he would not be seeing them if this was how it was going to be as I was who he chooses to be with.

They seemed to understand it for a while – then took it upon themselves to plan a weekend away for my boyfriends 30th – without checking dates/if I wanted to be involved with planning. I got the FB invite the same as his other friends. Obviously I was hurt by this as a quick text – even to check what plans we had in – wouldn’t have been hard and I know for a fact if it was for anyone else, they would’ve included the persons partner.

Long story short (ish), we’ve fallen out hugely over this as I was tired of biting my tongue on it. I told them I felt disrespected and that they need to understand I’m here to stay so we need to at least rub together for my boyfriend’s sake. The guy and I reached some sort of understand before the girlfriend waded in insulting me. Despite this I have told my partner I want to sit down and clear the air – which he is meant to be organizing, yet hasn’t – and this has been 4 weeks now. I understand he is in the middle of it, but it’s causing a huge strain on us. In the meantime I see he continues his friendship with them both normally whilst he and I argue because I am so upset and don’t understand why I have been treated this way.

They are aware we want to clear the air, yet while this is ongoing, they are flooding my social networks with chat with his ex-ex, which again is upsetting me and when I talk to my partner he says to ignore it – which is correct but hard. Usual things that I would brush off I am turning into mountains as the “digging-out” has been going on for so long, and everything they do feels like it’s to get at me & that they won’t be happy until I’m gone. He’s supportive to an extent but I get frustrated as sometimes the line of thought is TOO logical and it seems as though he’s more worried about their feelings than mine.

I honestly haven’t done anything personal to upset them – yes I argued with my partner in front of them but everyone rows and we are generally happy and good for each other. I don’t think I am a horrible person, and my partner and I have no issues around other friends/family.

I appreciate some of this may sound childish but any advice from people with similar experiences would help. It’s really getting me down and I do not want to let this ruin such a great relationship. They will always be a part of his life so I want to move forward, and not be continually snubbed as it will get to a point where he has to choose whether to never see friends or upset me – which I don’t want him to have to do.

DJS1988

Wow sorry no idea my post was so long!

bargainbetty

On your social networks, move them to pages where you can't see the chatter. Talk to them directly. Don't be confrontational or accusatory, but make it clear to them that to organise something like that without having a chat with you about it, or checking other arrangements was out of line. They wouldn't have ignored you if you were married or living together, so they do need to respect your boundaries. Explain that you don't want to stop the social dynamics of things, but people and times do change, and they need to recognise that you and your boyfriend are a couple.

If she becomes insulting again, ask her why she is being so. Ask her what part of your explanation she doesn't accept, and why. See if you can find out why she/they are behaving this way.

It may be that you have to accept that this part of your bf's life is his and won't be something you share with him. It's entirely normal to have people on each side that aren't to the others' taste, and you learn to deal with it and move on.

Don't rely on him to sort out a 'clear the air' thing. It means him confronting an awkward situation. It doesn't mean he is prioritising them over you - it may be that he knows if forced to choose he would choose you and doesn't want them to force his hand in hurting them. It may be that he genuinely believes that it's out of proportion and time will calm things. He might just think it's easier for him to keep two parts of his life apart, because you are both behaving in ways that could hurt him by arguing. Stop letting it be about you, and find out how you can co-exist, if you can, to avoiding hurting the one in the middle.

If you can't, move on from the situation and stay away from them, with a clear conscience.

DJS1988

bargainbetty wrote: »

Don't rely on him to sort out a 'clear the air' thing.

Unfortunately in this case, he does not want me to speak to them direct. He thinks it's best we don't speak over text/phone until we all sit down in a room and as much as I know I would get things sorted quicker, I'm having to respect what he wants.

I'm very aware they are out for her birthday next weekend, and I feel it's a ticking timebomb to an argument between he and I if we have not sat down with them, yet he still wants to go out (I, of course was not invited).

Confusedandneedhelp

If i was him id be quite clear, partner not invited, im not going

Sounds like they are good friends, but perhaps hes usually outnumbered by the 'couple'

DJS1988

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Sounds like they are good friends, but perhaps hes usually outnumbered by the 'couple'

I think for so long he's gone along with what they want - (they were a big factor in him splitting with the ex) and they have loved having him to themselves, that now he's with someone he loves and wants to be with for the long run, they can't handle it. They know how he feels about me (they've said themselves they've not known him happy with someone like this), and it seems to me they know he won't split with me on their say so - so they have to grind me down instead.

Confusedandneedhelp

Sometimes couples with their own cracks and problems will focus on a 3rd party as a crutch.

Chances are things arent as rosey as they make out in their own lives.

roobee13

^^^ This ^^^

My initial thought was that the issue seems with the girl, she sounds like she likes having control over other people and their relationships.

Above poster is spot on, sounds a bit like deflection to me. As you say, you and bf are happy and secure and she might soon get bored of trying to interfere.

I know it's easier said than done but can you grin and bear it and just carry on being friendly and your normal self? The higher ground is a much nicer place to be imo

DJS1988

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Sometimes couples with their own cracks and problems will focus on a 3rd party as a crutch.

Chances are things arent as rosey as they make out in their own lives.

Something I have long suspected - I think not having my partner around as much has possibly highlighted a lot of issues that were easier to ignore with another person around so much.

slightlyconfused1

How long have you been with your bf?

If the relationship is well established, a year or so, then I think the friends arranging a birthday event without checking with you is an issue. You are then on stronger ground wanting to clear the air or forcing a confrontation.

If you have only been together a couple of months or so then I can see why they have not thought there would be an issue, although it was still rude not to let you know before the general invitations were sent out. I would also be wary of forcing your bf to choose between you and his friends. That never ends well, no matter which choice they make.

I think it is quite healthy to have seperate friends as well as friends in common. I socialise with some of dh`s friends and have never even met others and they would never dream of including me in any plans.

As for her birthday celebration, you imply she doesn't like you so why would you expect an invitation?

I must admit if one of my friends new bf was trying to stop us talking about our joint past, trying to be involved in all our plans and having arguments about her friends I would worry that she was in an unhealthy controlling relationship.

DJS1988

roobee13 wrote: »

I know it's easier said than done but can you grin and bear it and just carry on being friendly and your normal self? The higher ground is a much nicer place to be imo

I definitely will do, but we obviously need to have that initial sit down. If we don't they will continue to snub me and I won't get a chance to show that I can take the high ground, if that makes sense.