Advice please - relationship & friends.

DJS1988

slightlyconfused1 wrote: »

How long have you been with your bf?

If the relationship is well established, a year or so, then I think the friends arranging a birthday event without checking with you is an issue. You are then on stronger ground wanting to clear the air or forcing a confrontation.

If you have only been together a couple of months or so then I can see why they have not thought there would be an issue, although it was still rude not to let you know before the general invitations were sent out. I would also be wary of forcing your bf to choose between you and his friends. That never ends well, no matter which choice they make.

I think it is quite healthy to have seperate friends as well as friends in common. I socialise with some of dh`s friends and have never even met others and they would never dream of including me in any plans.

As for her birthday celebration, you imply she doesn't like you so why would you expect an invitation?

I must admit if one of my friends new bf was trying to stop us talking about our joint past, trying to be involved in all our plans and having arguments about her friends I would worry that she was in an unhealthy controlling relationship.

We've been together over a year now.

He does have seperate friends, some I haven't met as yet, but his main group of friends are all in couples, so it's a case of with them, unless they are just having a boys night (which is rare as this particular girl always wants to tag along if they are), that I would be there also.

I don't expect an invitation, and won't be going regardless of whether we sit down and talk or not as I have plans that night. However, my partner has told me he will not go IF the situation is not sorted and I expect him to stick with what he has told me. I don't ever want him to have to choose (hence me wanting to clear the air) however, I do think it's right they need to understand their continual snubbing of me is going to create an issue to where their friendship is affected. I don't want that for him, and neither should they.

In no way do I expect them to not talk about past, it's the way in which it's done. I do expect to be involved in plans where everyone elses partners are welcome, yes. I can assure you there is no controlling on either side of our relationship.

emmaj30

Hiya
I think ive got the general gist of the post.

Unfortunately in the scheme of life people do change and move in and friendships do stop. It seems to me that these two people are far more involved in your relationship then you need them to me.
It seems that the girl has her intentions to split you to up as she clearly has no respect for you (im not saying this in a bad way whatsoever).
Its obvious that you and your man must have had many conversations about this so talking any more would do no good.

I suggest that you forget about these two people and go out with your friends. Tell your boyfriend that you have stopped this immature nonsense and you no longer want to see them. If he wishes to its up to him. You don't need anyone else trying to make you feel bad. It doesn't matter how long you have been together -Its about respect. These two have no respect and they are trying to control your boyfriend. People move on and you don't have to LIKE all your boyfriends friends.. Once you forget about them you will get on better with each other. Im sure what goes around will come around! good luck xxx

Raspberry_beret

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Sometimes couples with their own cracks and problems will focus on a 3rd party as a crutch.

Chances are things arent as rosey as they make out in their own lives.

I agree with this as well. It may be that this gets sorted all by itself.

I'd take the high ground - hide them from your FB newsfeed, say to your partner that you won't pressure him and if he thinks it is better to see them by himself for a while, that is totally up to him and you'll support whatever he thinks is best. Emphasize to him what would be your ideal though (sitting down and clearing the air etc). Plan some fun nights out for you and focus on other friends for now. I think if the pressure is off, your partner will make the right decisions without feeling like his hand is being forced and he'll feel less in the middle. Withdrawing from the situation will benefit you too.

I'm not sure what to do on the birthday issue though - and I agree it is wrong (and somewhat manipulative) of them to have planned it without consulting you (assuming you are a well established couple). Maybe say to your partner that you'd really like to do something just the two of you (even suggest something fun) on his actual birthday but maybe they could do their thing on another night?

DJS1988

Raspberry_beret wrote: »

I'd take the high ground - hide them from your FB newsfeed, say to your partner that you won't pressure him and if he thinks it is better to see them by himself for a while, that is totally up to him and you'll support whatever he thinks is best.

I'm not sure what to do on the birthday issue though - and I agree it is wrong (and somewhat manipulative) of them to have planned it without consulting you (assuming you are a well established couple). Maybe say to your partner that you'd really like to do something just the two of you (even suggest something fun) on his actual birthday but maybe they could do their thing on another night?

My worry with "leaving him to it" is that I have seen her take the !!!! out of me, when I am in the room. I have seen texts she's sent having digs about me to my partner. I don't really want him being around someone whom thinks that's ok to do and is so toxic. It's frustrating he can't see it himself as I don't want to keep having to tell him how she's making me feel.

The birthday thing - that won't be happening now as my partner is going away with just lads (including the guy mentioned) and then we are doing something just us, aswell as having a party. However, the main issue with that is although it isn't happening now, they still think it was ok to show me such disrespect.

KatieDee

DJS1988 wrote: »

We've been together over a year now.

He does have seperate friends, some I haven't met as yet, but his main group of friends are all in couples, so it's a case of with them, unless they are just having a boys night (which is rare as this particular girl always wants to tag along if they are), that I would be there also.

She sounds like one of those annoying women who can't talk enough about how much she is just "one of the guys" and only hangs around with men because women don't tend to like her (due to how controlling she is with her "guy friends").

I think the more you protest, the more complicated this will get. As your partner said, it's probably worth sitting down and discussing the problem, as well as how you'd like to move forward. No discussions on Facebook and no texting, as people tend to be a lot more aggressive when they're not face to face.

If your partner and his friends are really close, they probably took your arguments a bit personally and wanted to protect him. In the five years my partner and I have been together, I don't think we've ever had an argument in front of our friends. I can't think of anything important enough to argue about on the spot, rather than waiting until we were home or in a more private place.

DJS1988 wrote: »

In addition to this, she continuously asks my partner to meet for drinks after work, and one time when he did meet her (he generally doesn’t get back to her, or suggests the three of us meet up, to which she doesn’t reply) they ended up missing the last train and staying in a hotel. This obviously went down like a lead balloon – although I am 100% nothing would ever happen and trust my partner would not do anything to hurt me or his best friend. He knows if there was a next time I would not be so understanding however.

This would absolutely not fly with me. The constant request for drinks after work I could probably deal with (your partner is in a position to decline, plus he has a right to socialise with whoever he wants) but the staying over night in a hotel after missing a train? Nuh uh....

I can't understand why she craves time alone with your partner. I am really close to some of the people I met through my partner but if I ever wanted to spend time with them, I'd always make sure it was an open invitation and respective partners were invited. Not because I feel uncomfortable with them alone, just because it's polite.

He probably can see what's happening but he's choosing to ignore it. I normally lurk these boards and worry how paranoid people are and how they jump to the absolute worst conclusions...but this just doesn't sound right at all.

DJS1988

KatieDee wrote: »

She sounds like one of those annoying women who can't talk enough about how much she is just "one of the guys" and only hangs around with men because women don't tend to like her (due to how controlling she is with her "guy friends").

I think the more you protest, the more complicated this will get. As your partner said, it's probably worth sitting down and discussing the problem, as well as how you'd like to move forward. No discussions on Facebook and no texting, as people tend to be a lot more aggressive when they're not face to face.

If your partner and his friends are really close, they probably took your arguments a bit personally and wanted to protect him. In the five years my partner and I have been together, I don't think we've ever had an argument in front of our friends. I can't think of anything important enough to argue about on the spot, rather than waiting until we were home or in a more private place.



This would absolutely not fly with me. The constant request for drinks after work I could probably deal with (your partner is in a position to decline, plus he has a right to socialise with whoever he wants) but the staying over night in a hotel after missing a train? Nuh uh....

I can't understand why she craves time alone with your partner. I am really close to some of the people I met through my partner but if I ever wanted to spend time with them, I'd always make sure it was an open invitation and respective partners were invited. Not because I feel uncomfortable with them alone, just because it's polite.

He probably can see what's happening but he's choosing to ignore it. I normally lurk these boards and worry how paranoid people are and how they jump to the absolute worst conclusions...but this just doesn't sound right at all.

When I have had a chat with her boyfriend after the first time they "left me out", he even said himself that girls have said she's hard to get along with in the past. It seems to me everyone knows what she is like and it's frustrating!

I absolutely want to sit down, it was actually my suggestion initially and I see it is the only way forward - it's that or this awkwardness will continue and my poor boyfriend is torn in all directions.

It's unfortunate that argument happened, but it was fuelled by them continually asking us to come back and stay at their house (which before we had started drinking I had declined, and asked my boyfriend not to change his mind after a few drinks - I see no need to stay there when he lives 10 minutes away and we can go back to our own bed!), had they not done this we would've had quiet words until the next day.

I know, it's very odd to me and I do have my suspicions towards her feelings but that's a can of worms I do not want to open. That said as much as I was extremely unhappy about them sharing a room I have no worries anything untowards would have gone on.

I have close male friends, but once they've started relationships, the one-on-one fornightly dinners and constant texts have eased to allow the new partner to feel comfortable, and I am friends with all my male friends partners.

Watto30

Be 100% honest with yourself, do you actually really want to be friends with this woman/couple? she sounds like a complete pain in the backside and toxic and seems to be engineering situations where she gets your boyfriend to herself.. absolutely no need and odd. If it were me and the hotel thing happened then I would have hit the roof, could they have not got a cab back instead of incurring the cost of a hotel?

I know it will be awkward for your partner if it does not get resolved but if she is behaving like this now and texting your boyfriend to be rude about you whilst you are out of the the room and quickly wade in with personal insults etc then why on earth would you want to be in her company? thats before she even started with the exluding you etc


Sorry if my post sounds harsh I don't mean it to as I can see your predicament, you are obviously happy with your partner and dont want to rock the boat there and these are friends of his but I can imagine she/they will only get worse as time goes on and the only way to deal with these types of people is to point blank refuse to accept the behaviour.


She sounds like an attention seeker and is trying to put her own negativity or unhappiness on to you, she has her own partner and yours running after her so is probably lapping up all the attention and feeling powerful. Let your partner work it out for himself, he will eventually but in the meantime forget these toxic people and do your own thing with friends who respect you and would not treat you like this

z.n

I second the suggestion that interference in your relationship is a distraction from problems in her own. This may have become an unhealthy habit that she cannot break (or she is holding a candle for your OH and just waiting for an opportunity-or trying to provoke her OH into some sort of reaction!) Whatever it is her problems are not yours to fix.

After a year your OH needs to be on your side. If that means him having a quiet word with his male friend (along the lines of what's going on mate?) that is what he needs to do. A sit down meeting between all 4 of you a la Jeremy Kyle doesn't sound such a good idea IMO. Best to keep it casual- and meanwhile you get on with your own life and give your BF room to make the right decision. Personally I would expect him to cut things down to boys only nights out if the situation is not sorted.

DJS1988

Watto30 wrote: »

Be 100% honest with yourself, do you actually really want to be friends with this woman/couple? she sounds like a complete pain in the backside and toxic and seems to be engineering situations where she gets your boyfriend to herself.. absolutely no need and odd. If it were me and the hotel thing happened then I would have hit the roof, could they have not got a cab back instead of incurring the cost of a hotel?

I know it will be awkward for your partner if it does not get resolved but if she is behaving like this now and texting your boyfriend to be rude about you whilst you are out of the the room and quickly wade in with personal insults etc then why on earth would you want to be in her company? thats before she even started with the exluding you etc

In all honesty, I would be happy to never set eyes on them again. I'm not one to sit back and take people being downright nasty, but, and it's a situation I've not been in before, I love the bones of my partner and it matters to me if he feels his life has to be split into compartments. Perhaps I should wait it out - they haven't spoken in over a week which says a lot I guess, but I do know his male friend is very important to him.

I wouldn't let things get heated if we all sat down - I have now had alot of time to think about what I need to say and speak eloquently, getting my point across without a blazing row.

DJS1988

Watto30 wrote: »

She sounds like an attention seeker and is trying to put her own negativity or unhappiness on to you, she has her own partner and yours running after her so is probably lapping up all the attention and feeling powerful. Let your partner work it out for himself, he will eventually but in the meantime forget these toxic people and do your own thing with friends who respect you and would not treat you like this

You're right about attention/feeling powerful. Even my partner has agreed he thinks her nose was put out of joint by me coming into the group and getting on with everyone, girls and boys alike, in a situation where she has always been Queen Bee. Not that I was challenging that or trying to take over - I just think I am easy to get along with.