Advice please - relationship & friends.

DJS1988

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

They are not his friends at all I'm afraid if they are winding up and tormenting you in public. If he had respect for you he would have told them to pack it in with the first comment that was made and if they continued then have had nothing further to do with them.
There is absolutley no way I would let my friends be rude to and take the P out of my partner.
You blew up because you were presumably angry and frustrated and he should be supporting you not blaming you.Hes not 100% committed and in love with you. No way or elce you would be number one. I think he may just be viewing you are a very casual girlfriend not as a proper partner.

I agree with them not being his real friends. In my eyes friends would not do such a thing.

Thanks for that judgement though, my issues never been as to whether my partner loves me. I have no worries that I am just a casual girlfriend.

dandelionclock30

If he loved you do your really think he would let his friends treat you like this? Hes letting them treat you like a dog.
I'm sorry but you just dont seem to see it.
Good luck with it all anyway, the main problem is your man.

DJS1988

I'm not sure you've read my OP where I have said that he doesn't understand how I see a lot of the digs, and that it's more my intuition of her bad feeling towards me. If she was calling me names she would be cut off, and when she has, even subtley tried to !!!!! about me he's pulled her up on it.

He feels I am being paranoid about some things, which to an extent I know probably am now. As many other posters have said, she is being very sly and manipulative, and when your good friends with someone it does take a while to come through.

Why on earth would I stay? I have no financial commitments or children with this man, I could walk away. I don't because I am in a very full and rewarding relationship.

I came on here for help and advice, why can't some people on here just take the facts as they are? If I am saying this issue aside things are fantastic, why is that questioned?

Alikay

DJS1988 wrote: »

The male text my partner and said "I'm inviting people for **** bday and she's said she doesn't want DJS there, sorry I know it's tough for you but don't shoot the messenger".

I think that text shows that the issue goes far beyond the female friend not liking you, and becomes nasty and controlling. She evidently also controls her partner too, as I'm sure if I asked my DH to sent such a text he'd tell me either to grow up and let you come along, or hand me the phone and tell me to do my own dirty work!

Sadly I think if your BF had anything about him he'd have declined the invite. A man who is so easily pressured by a friend is unlikely to make a great husband or father and I would be moving on and finding someone with a little more backbone.

DJS1988

Alikay wrote: »

I think that text shows that the issue goes far beyond the female friend not liking you, and becomes nasty and controlling. She evidently also controls her partner too, as I'm sure if I asked my DH to sent such a text he'd tell me either to grow up and let you come along, or hand me the phone and tell me to do my own dirty work!

Sadly I think if your BF had anything about him he'd have declined the invite. A man who is so easily pressured by a friend is unlikely to make a great husband or father and I would be moving on and finding someone with a little more backbone.

Yes, she certainly is the dominant one in the relationship. The guy as I said I actually always liked, and got one very well with. However, he's a big boy and shouldn't allow himself to be controlled.

He's told them he won't be there if this isn't sorted. I guess my worry is that because he's not arranged to meet up with them, it won't be and I am being paranoid he'll just think "sod it I fancy a night out". However, he's (I guess rightly so), told me to shush about this as he's told me he won't go if the situation is the same.

I think the issue, and why it's come to be that we are arguing about something we shouldn't let effect us, is that I am very firey and like things to be sorted NOW, where he is much more logical, laidback and see's there is a time and place for everything. We've both been busy with work & other commitments the past two weeks and he views that as more important, where I have been pressuring him to sort things out before next week so no argument arises because of her birthday.

Alikay

DJS1988 wrote: »

I think the issue, and why it's come to be that we are arguing about something we shouldn't let effect us, is that I am very firey and like things to be sorted NOW, where he is much more logical, laidback and see's there is a time and place for everything. We've both been busy with work & other commitments the past two weeks and he views that as more important, where I have been pressuring him to sort things out before next week so no argument arises because of her birthday.

His slow and steady approach may be the best thing: If she sees that he doesn't go along, she'll know he's not going to let her control him. She may not do it again as she'll have cut off her nose to spite her face, as she probably would like him to go to birthday do, especially if she has got a bit of a crush on him

DJS1988

I guess he has known them for a long time, he knows how things are best handled. Just not how I would do them, but as much as I would like to think I am...I'm not ALWAYS right. Also, the more I kick off, it's the age-old, I'm getting the grief for it anyway, I might as well do it.

I don't want to paint him as the bad guy - yes I think he could maybe be a little more forceful, but he has not gone to things they've excluded me from previously, and I guess that's his biggest and most powerful way of getting his point across.

I just want him to be able to have everyone he's close to at least able to be in the same room. I know I've done nothing personal to deserve this, so all I can do is keep telling myself I will be the adult and try to find a resolve, and if they aren't willing I know he's not stupid enough to let it continue as it is. I love how well he gets on with my friends, I love getting to know the people in his life - and whilst these 2 particular people and I will never be best pals - lifes easier if we can all at least be civil, right?!

ska_lover

I don't see how you can sort it though - without giving her even more reason to feel superior. If other people are going along with her, they are all as guilty. I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of going to her to resolve - it will give her cause to gloat, I think

I am wondering how she ended up with so much power over your relationship? That you and your OH end up actually arguing because of her? You need to stop that immediately, its not healthy. You are making her the third person in your relationship cos with the arguments etc you are blowing the situation up in to something massive. She isn't - she has simply stated she doesn't want you at her birthday - you have evolved it onwards

Don't get me wrong, I'm on your side and this other woman sounds like shes got a massive chip, but I don't see how you are hoping to sort it other than give her further ammunition and can't help but think that it will not go your way. You can't force her to like you - and the best she will likely do is invite you to her birthday celebrations and obviously not want you there.

Would you really want to go to an event for someones birthday who clearly doesn't like you, and you feel the same? If you genuinely don't like someone, going to celebrate their birthday is a bit strange

I can just see you coming back after the conversation with this other couple feeling even more hurt

DJS1988

I will admit, I have allowed this to effect me too much, and cause problems with my other half that needn't have happened.

I won't be going to her birthday regardless, even if I was free that night I wouldn't be that fake. My issue is whether my partner goes or not, something he has told me he won't do and I guess I need to trust in what he tells me, rather than what I think "could/might" happen. I don't think he should be there without an invite extended to me, and I will stand by that viewpoint - one he does seem to understand.

I don't like to have things left - I very much like to be open and honest. I also want to front her on her issues with me and ask her exactly what her problem is. I may not like to hear what she has to say and not agree with it (unless I have total lack of self-awareness, I don't think I am a horrible person or hard to warm to, I have a great bunch of friends and have been welcomed into my partners extremely close-knit family) but I honestly think it will be a positive thing to move forward, even if we just agree we will be civil and no more.

I don't see how else we can move forward without my partner being stuck in the middle. Plus - if the worse does happen and the girl loses her rag and insults me (which I know I will not do in return) - she shows herself up as what she is.

ska_lover

Your Oh sounds like he has never given you a reason to doubt him before, so take him at his word, he isn't going - and try not to mention it again.. men hate to feel nagged at (so im told haha)