Advice please - relationship & friends.

justme111

DJS1988 wrote: »

I am, as I have said numerous times here. I will however have a serious issue if my partner goesQUOTE]
And you still don't see why I said you seem to want to invade his life so that he does not have to compartmentalize ?
What if he played football , would you want to join him in a game and drinks after as well ? People are entitled not to get on one with another , you dont get on with his long term friend - fair enough , just avoid each other , why you so insistently demand them liking you ? Why insist going with him when he meets up with them ? If he does not let anything untoward to be said or done behind your back why would you mind seeing them any more than you.would mind him going playing chess or meeting up in a local garage with mates renovating bikes.
Not sure what your idea of perfect relationship is , mine definitely would not be one where I had a shouting match with a man , whether in public or alone.

People question because your story does not fit , if 2+2=5 then its either not 2 or not 5 or there is +1 omitted.

You come across as an opposite to laid back , you want everything to be the way you want it to be when you want it to be judging by.your.posts , you probably early to mid twenties ..
Don't worry we all been there and behaved at some point not in the best way to say the least , we question you because if one is stuck.it.means one does something wrong so to get unstuck one would have to face what one doing wrong . You resist that questioning because facing things one does not want to see is painful.

justme111

DJS1988 wrote: »

Of COURSE, whether secure or not this situation would effect me. I don't want to live my life in a way that there is a part of my partners life that is awkward and upsetting for him, and that affects our relationship. Wanting it to be civil with his best friends does not mean I am insecure about him and I.

I can only trust he is going to stick to his word - but yes, if he was to go I would not be happy in the slightest as it would mean he's lied to keep me happy in the interim.

If you wanted to be civil you should have been so , not "snapped" at her.
Do how would it affect you and your relationship if you just avoided her ? Without demanding he dies the same ?

egoode

DJS1988 wrote: »

I don't like to have things left - I very much like to be open and honest. I also want to front her on her issues with me and ask her exactly what her problem is. I may not like to hear what she has to say and not agree with it (unless I have total lack of self-awareness, I don't think I am a horrible person or hard to warm to, I have a great bunch of friends and have been welcomed into my partners extremely close-knit family) but I honestly think it will be a positive thing to move forward, even if we just agree we will be civil and no more.

I don't see how else we can move forward without my partner being stuck in the middle. Plus - if the worse does happen and the girl loses her rag and insults me (which I know I will not do in return) - she shows herself up as what she is.

I know you wrote this a few pages back but you still seem to want to sit and talk and resolve things the problem is that only works if all parties involved want to do that and even straight out asking why she doesn't like you will not give you any answer. She will either make up some stupid excuse or completely avoid answering the question.

I do think it's inappropriate for your boyfriend to ever have met up with her alone and his friend not being there.

I think the best way forward is:

1. If she is out with the group and you are there spend as little time as possible near her and speak to others in the group instead. Even if she does start saying things try as little as possible to react. Part of the fun to her is she has seen you reacting so if you don't provide the entertainment she wants she's likely to stop.
2. Organise your own nights with the group as a couple (inviting her as well best not to go down to her level). However as above beyond a hi and goodbye spend as little time as possible talking to her.
3. Ask your boyfriend to support you that if you aren't invited to the event (assuming it's not a boys night out) he won't go. Although it does seem he's been doing this already.

carefullycautious

This has nothing to do with this woman and everything to do with your boyfriend.

Life really is too short to be playing games of what if il did this or what if I did that.


I would get out of this relationship as the person who told you there was going to be four in it was spot on and you really don't need this.

You will find someone who will value you, support you and never allow other people to disrespect you like this.

Heffi1

Oh my god, these threads are so predictable.

Person starts by telling their story and within a couple of posts, pages, you are told to leave him, he is awful, kick him out,

Then you are not listening to all the wonderful advice we have so patiently given you, why are you not listening, do you want to be taken advantage of?

What threads like these do is undermine people's self esteem, in this case it is not working though as the OP appears on the face of it to be a strong woman who knows what she wants from life and is not prepared to put up with the rubbish, that other posters may endure.

OP - you know how your OH is, how he feels for you, try to look at this as dispassionately as you can and if possible see things from a different perspective. I think you sound like you have the right idea, it is nice to hear of someone who when threatened by another woman, takes time to sort out her own feelings without calling out insults and bringing her down.

Keep your head up, some men do take a while to see what women can sometimes sense straight away, do not if possible nag him about it (as hard as that might be) give this woman enough room and she will eventually show her true colours to the men in her life. You can sit back and wait for it to happen, as if she is not getting a response from you, then she will probably up the ante until she does, if you know this ahead of time, then you have more chance of avoiding a nasty fall out.

Do not say i told you so at the end of it to your OH though, he would not appreciate being taken for a fool for so long by her.

Best of luck.

Dozey_crow

Heffi1 wrote: »

Oh my god, these threads are so predictable.

Person starts by telling their story and within a couple of posts, pages, you are told to leave him, he is awful, kick him out,

Then you are not listening to all the wonderful advice we have so patiently given you, why are you not listening, do you want to be taken advantage of?

What threads like these do is undermine people's self esteem, in this case it is not working though as the OP appears on the face of it to be a strong woman who knows what she wants from life and is not prepared to put up with the rubbish, that other posters may endure.

OP - you know how your OH is, how he feels for you, try to look at this as dispassionately as you can and if possible see things from a different perspective. I think you sound like you have the right idea, it is nice to hear of someone who when threatened by another woman, takes time to sort out her own feelings without calling out insults and bringing her down.

Keep your head up, some men do take a while to see what women can sometimes sense straight away, do not if possible nag him about it (as hard as that might be) give this woman enough room and she will eventually show her true colours to the men in her life. You can sit back and wait for it to happen, as if she is not getting a response from you, then she will probably up the ante until she does, if you know this ahead of time, then you have more chance of avoiding a nasty fall out.

Do not say i told you so at the end of it to your OH though, he would not appreciate being taken for a fool for so long by her.

Best of luck.

I agree whole heatedly with your comments about the thread.. It does keep happening on this board. OP you asked why people were doubting your word this is why... A symptom of the board.

Personally I think it is normal to expect your lives to merge a bit when you are a couple and it would be unusual for one partner to continually attend 'couply' things on their own.

Stick with what you know about your oh, the situation and most importantly yourself and forge a way forward. Having read your responses you seem sensible so I doubt you would do this but In my opinion issuing a it's them or me' ultimatum to your OH would be a mistake. Firstly because even if they treat him 'badly' in some ways they may be orhave been invaluable support in others. Secondly, if he 'choose'you there would be decades of 'she wouldn't let him' out comments about him being under the thumb to deal with which would be unpleasant for both of you. Finally if he didn't choose you then he may always wonder as will you. Simply forcing the issue won't do you any good... I think you need to carry on as you are.

If it is any consolation I think that if you had posted to say "I have told my oh it's his friends or me" the type of responses would be the same.

Beleive in yourself.... You'll get through it!

slightlyconfused1

So?

Did he go out with you or did he go to the birthday party?

dktreesea

DJS1988 wrote: »

I have close male friends, but once they've started relationships, the one-on-one fornightly dinners and constant texts have eased to allow the new partner to feel comfortable, and I am friends with all my male friends partners.

And therein lies the crux of the matter, the difference between you and the girl in the other couple. She's just friends with her friend, your partner, and isn't interested in you or being friends with you.

I have a few close male friends, and I rarely, if ever, do anything with them that involves their partners. I make it clear; I'm their friend, not their partner's. I've gone to dinner with them and various other activities that interest me, but not my partner. I'm often the organiser and I never invite their partners. I don't care how the partner's feel; I barely know them.

I find my friends are not themselves on the rare occasions when their partner is around. The partners aren't usually part of our social set, so in group situations they are kind of needy, always wanting the guy's attention. Friendship is about having something in common, and close friendships tend to be long and slow in the making. Partners are different. You choose them for different reasons, someone to be intimate with, to procreate with.

The same goes for my partner. He has friends, including female friends, whom he might see once or twice a month, but whom I wouldn't see from one year to the next.

dktreesea

barbiedoll wrote: »

....
And tell your BF to man up! He shouldn't even consider attending her birthday if you haven't been invited.....

Seriously?

Just because I have a partner doesn't mean I drop all my friends I had before he came along, or take my partner along to things if I sense there is friction between him and one of my friends. Surely there is room for both friends and partners, without having your partner involved in everything your friends want to involve you in?

ska_lover

dktreesea wrote: »

I don't care how the partner's feel; I barely know them.

Seriously uncool