Advice please - relationship & friends.

DJS1988

victory wrote: »

What is worse? A birthday party celebrated without you or you being without the one person you love.....forever?

It really isn't about me not being there. I wouldn't go if I had been invited, and I wouldn't have expected an invite, seeing as I am currently "not talking" (that sounds so school kid, but not sure how else to say it!) to the person whose birthday it is.

It's that he'd chose to go somewhere, where he wouldn't be missed, over choosing not to attend when he know's what it means to me for him to have my back.

victory

DJS1988 wrote: »

It really isn't about me not being there. I wouldn't go if I had been invited, and I wouldn't have expected an invite, seeing as I am currently "not talking" (that sounds so school kid, but not sure how else to say it!) to the person whose birthday it is.

It's that he'd chose to go somewhere, where he wouldn't be missed, over choosing not to attend when he know's what it means to me for him to have my back.

He would be missed by his friends and if push came to shove you could arrange to do something for the few hours he will be out, have fun with other friends/family and meet up again after happy he has had a good time and happy you have had fun and a good time and it has not ultimately broke you.

DJS1988

victory wrote: »

he knows how you feel as you have talked about it enough, rowed about it often and wanted him all to yourself and if offence is taken none is meant but for him to obey you.
?

I don't want him all to myself, and I don't want him to obey me. Even if he changed his mind now, that wouldn't make me any happier (which it would if I simply wanted him to obey)...It's not about control at all - I don't ever want to feel I have to control someone who professes to love me, his actions should tally up with what he says his feelings are.

DJS1988

victory wrote: »

He would be missed by his friends and if push came to shove you could arrange to do something for the few hours he will be out, have fun with other friends/family and meet up again after happy he has had a good time and happy you have had fun and a good time and it has not ultimately broke you.

I'm already out attending my friends engagement party. Meeting afterwards is not a possibility due to the distance.

Frankly, I don't want him to be out and have a good time with them at the moment, not when they have treated me how they have. I don't think he should be validating their behaviour towards me.

victory

It maybe because he has shown himself now 'to not have your back' that you may be thinking if you cannot get through this now in the future what will he 'not have your back ' over? It maybe opening up all sorts of questions/concerns you have over the entire relationship and not just this issue...

victory

DJS1988 wrote: »

I'm already out attending my friends engagement party. Meeting afterwards is not a possibility due to the distance.

Frankly, I don't want him to be out and have a good time with them at the moment, not when they have treated me how they have. I don't think he should be validating their behaviour towards me.

THing is he does feel like that. He wants to have fun with them and spend time with them, that is all, validating their behaviour towards you is not what he is thinking about or even taking into consideration, even though it has been very much discussed between you and he can see your point of view and sees it all, he will not be seeing it as validating their behaviour towards you.

DJS1988

I've not had any concerns prior to this, but yes it certainly does make me worry about any kind of future. I am a fiercely loyal person and one of the biggest attractions I had to him when I met him was that he came across the same.

DJS1988

victory wrote: »

THing is he does feel like that. He wants to have fun with them and spend time with them, that is all, validating their behaviour towards you is not what he is thinking about or even taking into consideration, even though it has been very much discussed between you and he can see your point of view and sees it all, he will not be seeing it as validating their behaviour towards you.

Ha, is that you boyfriend?

It's exactly how he explains it. I don't agree. Unless he was being totally unreasonable and controlling, there is nothing on this earth I would view as more important to attend than the thoughts and feelings of my partner.

victory

DJS1988 wrote: »

I've not had any concerns prior to this, but yes it certainly does make me worry about any kind of future. I am a fiercely loyal person and one of the biggest attractions I had to him when I met him was that he came across the same.

THis could be an irritating blip in the whole relationship or an ongoing scab that keeps getting picked and ultimately splits, if trust issues creep in or 'you never had my back on x time' or 'you chose them over me' all the negatives grow to humungous problems that cannot find a solution.

You see it as you are hurt, angry, wounded, dejected, they are more important, it is more important for him to attend rather than stick by you and say no.

He sees it as they were there first, they have done nothing to me personally (yes you have been upset by it all) they are my friends, all this will pass and everyone will get on again, I don't want to be caught in the middle, you are both not on the same page of how important this is to each other.

victory

DJS1988 wrote: »

Ha, is that you boyfriend?

It's exactly how he explains it. I don't agree. Unless he was being totally unreasonable and controlling, there is nothing on this earth I would view as more important to attend than the thoughts and feelings of my partner.

He has listened to you, he has heard you, he has tried to reason with you, tried to see your side, tried to find a happy medium, you could say he has failed but he has decided to go...