Advice please - relationship & friends.

victory

Mojisola wrote: »

It's not really about going to a party, it's about going to spend time with someone who has been nasty to his "loved one".

True, I see what you are saying, just maybe he sees it as whole wider open picture rather than this birthday party instance tomorrow.

As far as he sees it, he is going tomorrow, will have a lovely time and then from Sunday onwards everything will just carry on as normal, he loves her, shows her, tells her, so what could possibly be the problem after I have been to the party???:o

DJS1988

victory wrote: »

You do count, he does care, he loves you, he tells you and shows you all the time just this time he seems to go against everything but what he is telling you and showing you in a funny ol' way is that he loves you today and will love you after the birthday party but then it could be argued well if you loved me you would not be going? If you cared for me you would put me first?

I get it I really do what would have killed it for me is the missing the last train home....

Exactly. I know what I would do and that's because I know he comes first to me. So the fact he's not doing what I would do in a situation that was deeply hurting him, speaks volumes to me, and is far louder than any of the things he is saying to me.

It wasn't a huge issue for me, but appreciate how it sounds.

DJS1988

ska_lover wrote: »

There was never truer saying than 'actions speak louder than words' and it is really so hurtful when someone you thought was one way, turns out to be another

I am so sorry DJS. I do hope you still go out with your friends tomorrow evening, and show him that you have a life of your own etc

When I get in very very down moods in situations like this, I often feel paralysed with misery as in just want to lay in bed and I know (even whilst I am doing it) that it is just totally the wrong thing to do and am just wallowing in misery

Thank you. Yes - I tend to do the same and I know it's not the right thing to do, so glad I have plans tomorrow. Although an engagement party when I feel my relationship is this strained is not ideal

DJS1988

victory wrote: »

True, I see what you are saying, just maybe he sees it as whole wider open picture rather than this birthday party instance tomorrow.

As far as he sees it, he is going tomorrow, will have a lovely time and then from Sunday onwards everything will just carry on as normal, he loves her, shows her, tells her, so what could possibly be the problem after I have been to the party???:o

That's exactly how he sees it - and it's just not good enough for me.

victory

DJS1988 wrote: »

Exactly. I know what I would do and that's because I know he comes first to me. So the fact he's not doing what I would do in a situation that was deeply hurting him, speaks volumes to me, and is far louder than any of the things he is saying to me.

It wasn't a huge issue for me, but appreciate how it sounds.

Men are from venus and all that:D

A relationship has to work on many levels, compromise being one of them as well as finding understanding of each other's way of dealing with situations, he is completely different of opinion to yours on this one and you are pained so badly you want him to jump over to your side of the fence and he won't.

Mojisola

DJS1988 wrote: »

That's exactly how he sees it - and it's just not good enough for me.

It wouldn't be for me, either.

If the most important person in your life won't stand up to people who insult you, that says a lot about how much they love you (or not!)

ja89

People are so fickle, I wouldn't trust anyone

ska_lover

It wouldn't be good enough for me either - not long term.

You are right DJS, you do need someone who has got your back

flossy_splodge

I am just amazed there is any discussion on this from you!
In the early stages of a relationship the man is normally 'hunting' and all his focus is on winning the quarry.
If he is not still 'hunting' you it suggests either he doesn't see a need to please you or he doesn't really care if he keeps you or not.
Why oh why would you rate yourself so low that there is even the chance you find this acceptable.?
Value yourself fully and accept you deserve better.
He's had a chance to behave appropriately and has chosen not to.
What else do you need to experience??:(

January20

DJS1988 wrote: »

I've not had any concerns prior to this, but yes it certainly does make me worry about any kind of future. I am a fiercely loyal person and one of the biggest attractions I had to him when I met him was that he came across the same.

OK, I've wanted to say this since you started this thread but thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I was married to someone who always put his friends first. It will not change even if you have children. It will not change until THEY dump him. It was excruciatingly painful for me and my child to always come second. I lost a lot of my confidence in that relationship. I often felt lonely, especially once in had a baby and was stuck at home whilst he was having fun.

I don't ever say it, but this time I will: get out. Get out while you can because you should be his world and you're not. His friends are more important to him than you.