Advice please - relationship & friends.

slightlyconfused1

It sounds like your bf feels that your relationship is at a different stage than you do.

You have been going out together for a year and are in a monogamous relationship but there is no "formal" commitment (living together, engagement etc). You may feel that you have found your life partner and are committed forever, however, he may not quite be at that stage yet and see you as his girlfriend but not yet his life partner.

The total loyalty you owe your life partner is different to the care you owe your bf/gf.

I'm sure he meant it when he says he loves you, it's just that, at this stage of your relationship, his relationships with his friends are more important to him than his relationship with you. Although I'm sure he would like to keep both.

The choice you have is whether you want to wait and see IF the relationship develops to the stage where you are the most important person in his life or if you think he will never get to that stage.

We all deserve to be number one but it does take time to get there. There is no prescribed time limit that will tell you if this relationship is "it". I would say though by the age of 30 your bf should have an idea of what he wants and should be mature enough to tell you.

victory

January20 wrote: »

Go out? Is that what you would do? Go out partying or drinking on a weekend night? With a baby or a toddler? I don't want to be rude but really?????

Crumbs crazy response to a simple question, jeez:eek: I clearly meant that you said you were stuck in and the way the post was worded that you had to stay in with little one and be totally dependent on your OH whims, whether he stayed in or not, whether he was there or not and had to stay in and not be allowed to go out, but you could have made a life for yourself outside with mother and toddler or having them over for dinner, one brings starters, other dessert that type of thing, or enlist family and friends to babysit so you could go out to the cinema or a night out with friends for a laugh, not that just because your OH went out you were necessarily just stuck and home not doing anything, waiting for his return.

I am sure you knew that though.;)

victory

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I'm so glad you posted this.....as I was certainly thinking what planet victory had moved to - although she may not have read your post carefully enough to note that you were at home with a child

Personally if my OH chose his friends over me and Junior at evey opportunity then yes I would have been upset (to put it mildly as well)

Of course some people's idea of fun may be mum and toddler's ........

No planet, just common sense, if OH is out out you do not have to necessarily be out out if that is not your bag and if baby cannot be looked after but if you wanted to go out you could easily with help from family and friends go out or invite them to yours and have a lovely time, either way one did not have to be completely reliant on OH decisions as to whether he was in or out and could have had a life apart from his lack of family values to have friends, make new friends, have a life, have a laugh, be with others, do things with baby, be out:D:D

globetraveller

I wonder what the other partners will think when you dont turn up with your bf? Will they know you haven't been invited. Will she tell them you refused to come?
Sorry if I missed this but we're you invited to the engagement as a couple?
When is your birthday? Will he be happy if you were to do the same as she has? That answer would be very telling.
However wait and see how the weekend pans out before making decisions.
Ultimately this is nothing to do with her. It's about you and your bf and how happy you are together. If she can cause this much grief then something is wrong.
Finally - be brutally honest with yourself-has he cause to be angry or fed up with you? We only hear one side. You don't have to answer that to anyone here- just yourself.
I hope you feel happier soon x

Tommelise

victory wrote: »

No planet, just common sense, if OH is out out you do not have to necessarily be out out if that is not your bag and if baby cannot be looked after but if you wanted to go out you could easily with help from family and friends go out or invite them to yours and have a lovely time, either way one did not have to be completely reliant on OH decisions as to whether he was in or out and could have had a life apart from his lack of family values to have friends, make new friends, have a life, have a laugh, be with others, do things with baby, be out:D:D

I do agree that you are responsible for making friends and probaly could find things to do with friends in the afternoon


However not everybody have the option you mentioned above, and being with a partner that does not value family life and values, and does not see it as an equal responsibility to stay at home to let the partner have a night of is a huge strain.

victory

Tommelise wrote: »

I do agree that you are responsible for making friends and probaly could find things to do with friends in the afternoon


However not everybody have the option you mentioned above, and being with a partner that does not value family life and values, and does not see it as an equal responsibility to stay at home to let the partner have a night of is a huge strain.

I understand that.

duchy

January20 wrote: »

Go out? Is that what you would do? Go out partying or drinking on a weekend night? With a baby or a toddler? I don't want to be rude but really?????

Well it did come across as rude.
You appear to equate "going out" with alcohol and partying.....Here's a newsflash- there are lots of different ways to have fun that don't include alcohol-some people (I realize this may come as a shock to you) don't drink at all and still manage to have fun without their "drug of choice"
I don't want to be rude either......but really ????

Back on topic.

I suspect this is a power game the girlfriend plays as she likes to think the trio friendship takes precedence. She has seen off two girlfriends already and sees this as no different. Odds are neither of the blokes see it for the powerplay that it is.Men tend not to.

In your shoes and if you think the bloke is worth it play the long game- be very sweet about her but explain she's not really your type of people to your boyfriend and whilst you are happy to socialize with her within a group you don't really want to socialize as two couples.
Make a real effort to make friends with the other girls and couples in the social group so its clear you aren't one of those girls who just don't like other women. Obviously explain to your BF that his mate is great (if they split up tomorrow he'd be seeing his mate and not seeing the girlfriend). As a side benefit if you are friends with others in the group she can't claim you didn't want to come when the reality is she excluded you as she knows your other friends there know the truth !
Play it a little bit clever- especially if you BF is bad at dates and book stuff he wants to do ahead of time-if that happens to be the date of one of their birthdays.....well that's just unfortunate.

Acting oblivious to her games will really annoy her if she's as you say and she'll get more obvious and nasty-and she'll be the one looking like the !!!!! whilst you are the nice girl who doesn't deserve her nastiness and have people wondering if she has a thing for your bloke.

Never be mean about her, just tolerant and never show she's getting to you (not even to your BF as blokes often repeat stuff not even realizing) and don't let her affect a good relationship as that is what she wants.

Eventually your boyfriend will get tired of her moaning on about you -and see you as the one who is nicer to be around- although I do think he's a bit immature. My bloke if told I wasn't welcome at a gathering would automatically respond with "In that case I'm not coming ". I'm his choice and if his friends don't like it that is their problem and we come as a package deal even if the friendship predates our relationship.

Skintmama

duchy wrote: »

I suspect this is a power game the girlfriend plays as she likes to think the trio friendship takes precedence. She has seen off two girlfriends already and sees this as no different. Odds are neither of the blokes see it for the powerplay that it is.Men tend not to.

In your shoes and if you think the bloke is worth it play the long game- be very sweet about her but explain she's not really your type of people to your boyfriend and whilst you are happy to socialize with her within a group you don't really want to socialize as two couples.


Acting oblivious to her games will really annoy her if she's as you say and she'll get more obvious and nasty-and she'll be the one looking like the !!!!! whilst you are the nice girl who doesn't deserve her nastiness and have people wondering if she has a thing for your bloke.

Never be mean about her, just tolerant and never show she's getting to you (not even to your BF as blokes often repeat stuff not even realizing) and don't let her affect a good relationship as that is what she wants.

Eventually your boyfriend will get tired of her moaning on about you -and see you as the one who is nicer to be around- although I do think he's a bit immature.

I have been rather selective here (apologies Duchy) as the above parts of Duchy's post exactly reflect my own thoughts.

I am no game player myself but recognise that some people are. Sometimes, you have to refuse to play the part that someone is engineering you into in order to keep what is important to you. One option is to rise above it all and not allow yourself to be hurt by the thoughts you are having about what is going on here. Easier said than done I do realise. She doesn't have any real power over you though.

Enjoy your party today and be open to all the lovely people who will be around you. Good luck with everything x

jayII

duchy wrote: »

I suspect this is a power game the girlfriend plays as she likes to think the trio friendship takes precedence. She has seen off two girlfriends already and sees this as no different. Odds are neither of the blokes see it for the powerplay that it is.Men tend not to.

In your shoes and if you think the bloke is worth it play the long game- be very sweet about her but explain she's not really your type of people to your boyfriend and whilst you are happy to socialize with her within a group you don't really want to socialize as two couples.
Make a real effort to make friends with the other girls and couples in the social group so its clear you aren't one of those girls who just don't like other women. Obviously explain to your BF that his mate is great (if they split up tomorrow he'd be seeing his mate and not seeing the girlfriend). As a side benefit if you are friends with others in the group she can't claim you didn't want to come when the reality is she excluded you as she knows your other friends there know the truth !
Play it a little bit clever- especially if you BF is bad at dates and book stuff he wants to do ahead of time-if that happens to be the date of one of their birthdays.....well that's just unfortunate.

Acting oblivious to her games will really annoy her if she's as you say and she'll get more obvious and nasty-and she'll be the one looking like the !!!!! whilst you are the nice girl who doesn't deserve her nastiness and have people wondering if she has a thing for your bloke.

Never be mean about her, just tolerant and never show she's getting to you (not even to your BF as blokes often repeat stuff not even realizing) and don't let her affect a good relationship as that is what she wants.

Eventually your boyfriend will get tired of her moaning on about you -and see you as the one who is nicer to be around- although I do think he's a bit immature. My bloke if told I wasn't welcome at a gathering would automatically respond with "In that case I'm not coming ". I'm his choice and if his friends don't like it that is their problem and we come as a package deal even if the friendship predates our relationship.

I totally agree. Right now she has you exactly where she wants you and you're behaving exactly as she wants you to. The best way to 'fight' back is to 'simply' remove that power from her. She's simply not worth giving any energy to, so ban her from your thoughts as soon as she enters your mind, never say a cross word about her, and generally be as pure as the driven snow where she's concerned. Guess who will soon stand out as the b*tchy troublemaker? It sure won't be you!

It can take men a while to see through women like her, but he'll get there, eventually, provided you don't get dragged into her games.

This 'woman' has already chased off two girlfriends with her nasty, manipulative ways. Don't let yourself be number 3.

dandelionclock30

OP I drop him like a hot potato, hes not fiercly loyal to you at all. He doesnt give a toss about your feelings, you are well down his list of priorities.
I hope you have some self respect and get out now, there are plenty of men who will treat you are number one, not as something they have scraped off the bottom of their shoes.
If he doesnt get what going on then hes thick, another reason to get shut of him.
I wouldnt be waiting around all passively for him to get it. Just forget about him.