Advice please - relationship & friends.

DJS1988

Hi All,

Sorry I have not been on here with an update. All your replies are really appreciated and whist I don’t have time to go and respond to everyone individually right now I’d like to give an update which covers (hopefully) most questions;

Firstly – he was invited to my friends engagement party, but in a normal situation it would’ve panned out the way it did – he would’ve gone to his close friends birthday (although he wouldn’t go to a “normal” night out and miss and important event we’d been invited to as a couple), and I would attend the engagement party by myself, rather than go with him. It’s been assumed here a few times that I don’t think we should lead separate lives and have to do things together all the time. I had a brilliant night, and had a few hours of giving this current situation no headspace at all.

Anyways. We had a long talk on Friday, through til 2am. It quite bad at one point and I told him this entire situation had made me question our relationship and if there was a future. That I felt let down, and I thought I should leave and take some time to clear my head. He got quite emotional and got all his feelings out about how he see’s me as his family already, thinks I am the one etc etc. He explained again (but without any shouting from either side for once) how he feels torn in this situation. He sees that in the past, when they have excluded me or made me feel uncomfortable he has 100% had my back and stood up for me, which in fairness he has done. He has told them he won’t be spending time with them if it continued etc. When it comes to this current situation, whilst he sees why I was upset about what they did, he is not happy with how I handled it, and steamed in to them. Therefore, because he sees me as guilty of kicking it off (as I have said I feel that I am only human and only did so because of their previous treatment) and ALL of us as guilty of arguing and not thinking about how that would effect him (at the time he was in the air and unaware of anything) he didn’t see why I had the right to ask him not to go. He had arranged for us to meet with them this week to clear the air.

Whilst I do not agree with certain points, I do understand where he is coming from now I have had time to reflect.

I didn’t talk to him whilst he was out, which was my decision. I told him we should just text to let each other know we were home and ok but not throughout the night – I didn’t want my mind on it and wanted to have a good time.

We spent the day together yesterday and spoke a lot more. I’ve decided we are worth getting through this. He knows I am still angry, but I know I can’t always bring it up otherwise we can’t move on and it will be a miserable way to live. If this relationship does ever end, it will be due to issues arising from us two, not outside influences, which is again, what I have realized this is now I’ve taken stock. I guess I have to realize a little more at time that not everyone does see the world the same way as me, and whilst his logical way of thinking can be frustrating if it doesn’t go your way, he is a very popular, loved and successful person and he’s not got that way by hurting anyone. I still think he’s not handled it the best, and could’ve got things sorted to clear the air with them much sooner, so that this weekend and him going wasn’t an issue – but he didn’t. I still think he was a bit of a wuss not telling me he’d decided to go earlier (although he says he did only make up his mind 100% on Friday as he’d had a couple of days away from work and could think straight).

As for them – I am happy to sit down and clear the air. I don’t want to be their friend. I think there treatment of me has been vile, but I feel much more confident after properly talking with him (rather than rowing) that if it did continue, he will not stand for it. I am also confident that I now know how to “play it” – armed with a lot of helpful replies from you guys. She is not a good person, and ultimately that will become clear to everyone, not just me, in time. It’s better for me to be able to “rub along” with them, go out in their company but not spend much time actually with them. I get on with all his other friends, and the best thing I can do is show I am a good person, I make their friend happy and am actually a good addition to their circle. She will soon come a-croppper if I am like that, yet is still nasty to me.

So I guess to wrap it up – this has been a horrible blip and I think he’s been a total prat. However, everything that has come before, and hopefully will come after has been amazing and has given another meaning to my life that I didn’t even realize I was missing. I was happy before but so much happier with him. I think we’re strong. I think we will be ok, all I can do is see how things pan out.

DJS1988

globetraveller wrote: »

Let me guess- whilst at the party he accepted another invitation?

I'm unsure what is being insinuated here?

Mojisola

DJS1988 wrote: »

I think we’re strong. I think we will be ok, all I can do is see how things pan out.

Good luck with things in the future.

I would just be careful not to underestimate the "friend". If her group haven't seen through her yet, she must be very sly and manipulative.

DJS1988

Mojisola wrote: »

Good luck with things in the future.

I would just be careful not to underestimate the "friend". If her group haven't seen through her yet, she must be very sly and manipulative.

Oh, don't worry I won't be. I think part of the reason they don't see through it is because 1/2 are men so they just don't, and the other girls aren't real friends. Aside from meeting up for drinks or the odd meal, they don't see each other, and never see each other without the guys around. She doesn't have close girl mates she sees for lunches or spends evenings with. So they only really see her out, having a drink and a laugh. All very shallow and with no substance.

Morglin

Just ignore her, go out with your own mates, and let him see his (with or without you).

Lin

ska_lover

Phew, well I am glad you are OK DJS, and it seems you have reached a great conclusion where you are both happy

Good for you

As you know, even great relationships have their blips and arguments, we wouldn't be human if we saw eye to eye with another person on everything all the time

Great stuff

purpleshoes_2

Im not sure why you should have to sit down and clear the air with them, she has by all accounts behaved terribly towards you. I think your bf let you down, big time and I would probably struggle to move forward with someone who did what he did.

But we are all different and its your decision to make.

DJS1988

ska_lover wrote: »

As you know, even great relationships have their blips and arguments, we wouldn't be human if we saw eye to eye with another person on everything all the time

Great stuff

This is what I keep telling myself when it creeps into my head that he's been a prat

On to a new week and the potential "showdown" - this is what I'm calling it in my head haha.

Dreading it and looking forward to it in equal measures!

DJS1988

purpleshoes wrote: »

Im not sure why you should have to sit down and clear the air with them, she has by all accounts behaved terribly towards you. I think your bf let you down, big time and I would probably struggle to move forward with someone who did what he did.

But we are all different and its your decision to make.

I don't have to. I want to. I want my chance in a controlled enviroment to tell them, we don't have to like each other, but they do need to respect my relationship. I'm not even sure they're smart enough to realise they've been doing so (the guy anyways, pretty sure SHE knows precisely what she's doing).

My partner wants everyone to clear the air, he's as curious to see exactly WHY they've excluded me in the past (their only reason when he fronted them before was because of the previous argument, even though we'd seen them since with no issues) and I think it's the adult way to do things (even though I'd rather poke my own eyes out than spend time in their company), rather than avoid/ignore them. There are A LOT of events this year upcoming, including weekends away that we will be in their company for, so it will make life easier to at least do this and be civil.

ska_lover

DJS1988 wrote: »

This is what I keep telling myself when it creeps into my head that he's been a prat

On to a new week and the potential "showdown" - this is what I'm calling it in my head haha.

Dreading it and looking forward to it in equal measures!

I think you are right, we all have it in us to be prats' - I love my Husband dearly, but he gets to sit on the naughty step from time to time lol