Advice please - relationship & friends.

DJS1988

HPoirot wrote: »

To be honest, I would have kept well away the minute I heard that he had two relationships broken by friends. It may sound as if the friends are manipulative but it is always the man that is spineless in the first place.

Just the one, the girl he was with before me. Any other break ups haven't been down to them.

He's had 3 relationships (I'm the fourth) since this girl has been with his friend (6 years) The first he was with before she came on the scene, and cheated on him, so they rightly so do not like her. The second, who he was with around a year, from what I can see they got on with and is the one they fill my social networks with. The third, which was a 5 month thing, they didn't like and this contributed to the break up as they refused to socialise with her.

Kayalana99

Well....all I will say is this isn't your battle. The exact same thing *could* of happened to me (but in this situation the guy was the problem and me and his GF got on well) but my partner put his foot down and stopped seeing them.

They were as close as you could get when it came to being friends but he made obvious attempts to spilt us up but me and my OH have never been much for 'Drama' so he just basically told him straight and that was that. They've seen each other a couple times on nights out but never like they were.

You can do what ever you like...sit down with them..clear the air what ever...but end day untill your partner says he isn't standing for it (and sticks to it) none of it matters...

Personally I don't think this battle is yours to win...he needs to prove to you AND them that you are the top priority because if he doesn't you will leave eventually...after many arguments.

Think about it...is it really her or is it the way he is reacting to her? So solving the issues that she has with you are meaningless....

The only way over this bridge is your partner ~ it's nothing to do with them.

DJS1988

Kayalana99 wrote: »

You can do what ever you like...sit down with them..clear the air what ever...but end day untill your partner says he isn't standing for it (and sticks to it) none of it matters...

Personally I don't think this battle is yours to win...he needs to prove to you AND them that you are the top priority because if he doesn't you will leave eventually...after many arguments.

Think about it...is it really her or is it the way he is reacting to her? So solving the issues that she has with you are meaningless....

The only way over this bridge is your partner ~ it's nothing to do with them.

He HAS done this, I have said that. He told them in no uncertain terms he will not be around if they are going to exclude me for no reason. This situation my OP was mainly about was slightly different as he see's me as being in the wrong also.

They have a problem with me. I want them to tell me what it is, and why they think they are ok to treat me like they have. My assumption is they will crumble when asked face to face as there is no reason (unless I am delusional!) we can see.

The outcomes will either be the air is cleared and we all be civil, which means no leaving me out, OR they will show themselves up and my partner will fall out with them (not that I want that to happen) if they are rude and have nothing positive about moving forward.

I'm trying to approach this in the most adult way I see fit. If it kicks off it will not be from my side, and they will only serve to alienate my partner from them.

Kayalana99

DJS1988 wrote: »

He HAS done this, I have said that. He told them in no uncertain terms he will not be around if they are going to exclude me for no reason. This situation my OP was mainly about was slightly different as he see's me as being in the wrong also.

No. She's pushed and prodded you to breaking point ~ you made a mistake admittedly by sinking to her level once, this didn't give your partner the right to put them before you.

Do you think your partner would text his mate and say come round tonight but you can't bring her? Don't shoot the messenger...how is that reasonable?

He broke what he said 'in no uncertain terms' by going out with them that night and not choosing to go out with you.

Sorry that's just how I see things, I don't think your OH is right in this situation and I think that was a poor excuse of justifying himself.

zarf2007

Kayalana99 wrote: »

No. She's pushed and prodded you to breaking point ~ you made a mistake admittedly by sinking to her level once, this didn't give your partner the right to put them before you.

Do you think your partner would text his mate and say come round tonight but you can't bring her? Don't shoot the messenger...how is that reasonable?

He broke what he said 'in no uncertain terms' by going out with them that night and not choosing to go out with you.

Sorry that's just how I see things, I don't think your OH is right in this situation and I think that was a poor excuse of justifying himself.

I agree with this totally, even if he thought you were in the wrong about the way you acted he should never take their side, he should back you 100% and feel he is using this as a spineless get out clause as he will not stand up to them.

dandelionclock30

DJS1988 wrote: »

He HAS done this, I have said that. He told them in no uncertain terms he will not be around if they are going to exclude me for no reason. This situation my OP was mainly about was slightly different as he see's me as being in the wrong also.

They have a problem with me. I want them to tell me what it is, and why they think they are ok to treat me like they have. My assumption is they will crumble when asked face to face as there is no reason (unless I am delusional!) we can see.

The outcomes will either be the air is cleared and we all be civil, which means no leaving me out, OR they will show themselves up and my partner will fall out with them (not that I want that to happen) if they are rude and have nothing positive about moving forward.

I'm trying to approach this in the most adult way I see fit. If it kicks off it will not be from my side, and they will only serve to alienate my partner from them.

No they wont crumble, they will either say that they dont know what you are on about, refuse to engage with you, or not be available. I bet they wont engage with you properly at all.
They dont have to do anything and my guess is they will either do the above and or manipulate it back to being you.

I dont know how after all this you think your going to all rub along together because you are not. How can you really?

Its highly unlikley your boyfriend will fall out with them as he has shown that they come way before you. I think you are selling yourself way short with this fella, your not his number 1.

bagpussbear

I wish you well for the meeting DJS.

I'm afraid I'm also one that doesn't think this meeting will go well, though I understand you feel the need to go through with the meet.

I'm worried that she will turn things around, twist words etc to make you look like the bad guy. Hopefully your boyfriend will be wise to it, but if he isn't, or she says something that he doesn't react to when you feel he should, how will you feel?

I think your boyfriend should take the lead in the conversation actually. He needs to be the firm one here so they are in no doubt about his expectations about their behaviour towards you.

"If it kicks off ...." I think it most certainly will :-(

Hope I'm wrong, and wish you the best of luck for the meeting. Do let us know how it goes.

jayII

I agree too. I think this person has spent so many years moulding yours and her boyfriend to think as she wants them to, that no one she takes against has a chance to make them think differently. She will either deny that she has a problem with you and play the innocent victim, or she will twist things horribly.

I wouldn't meet with them, you're just playing into her hands.

However, I wish you luck if you do go ahead with it.

Gavin83

So you people think you should always support your partner even if you think they're in the wrong?

CH27

I really wouldn't have a clear the air meeting with them. You will leave yourself open to a potential 3 v 1 scenario.
Keep your dignity.