Advice please - relationship & friends.

dandelionclock30

DJS1988 wrote: »

He thinks we will clear the air, get what we need to off our chests and move on. He expects us to all be able to be civil at the very least so that he does not have me feeling uncomfortable in social situations where they are there. He also of course wants to get to he root of their apparent issue with me, as he's perplexed as I am!

Thats because hes a chuffing fool/thick, I can clearly see, so can everyone elce on this forum. He is being manipulated by people who are not his friends because they get off on causing trouble/playing games.

DJS1988

Mojisola wrote: »

And he thinks he's going to get a better answer with you sitting in front of them than if he asked the couple on his own?

Frankly, yes. He wants honest answers and wants this to be the end of all the crap. He's told them in the past what will happen if they don't buck up and after our chats this weekend he seems more understanding.

I appreciate the opinions on here, but I'm going to be doing this.

barbiedoll

DJS1988 wrote: »

Just the one, the girl he was with before me. Any other break ups haven't been down to them.

He's had 3 relationships (I'm the fourth) since this girl has been with his friend (6 years) The first he was with before she came on the scene, and cheated on him, so they rightly so do not like her. The second, who he was with around a year, from what I can see they got on with and is the one they fill my social networks with. The third, which was a 5 month thing, they didn't like and this contributed to the break up as they refused to socialise with her.

Gosh, he gives a lot of credence to his friends opinions, doesn't he?

They didn't like his last girlfriend and so they "refused to socialise with her"....lucky her methinks!
And yet they did like the second one and they are all still in contact with her on social media but he still broke up with her? I'm surprised that they allowed that!

If friends of mine had refused to socialise with my chosen partner, I'd be finding myself some new friends, ones who would have some boundaries. Of course, not everyone gets on with everyone else, there are always personality clashes within a group of friends/partners, but this lot sound as though they expect any potential girlfriend to go through a vetting process akin to joining MI5, just for the special privilege of hanging out with them....what a cheek!

It does sound like hard work, what are they going to be like if you decide to marry? Do they expect to have input into the wedding and is it up to them who gets invited? Are they going to name your kids?

Good luck with the showdown, I hope it goes as you want it to. But I don't know if I could be bothered to be honest, I hope he is worth it.

DJS1988

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Thats because hes a chuffing fool/thick, I can clearly see, so can everyone elce on this forum. He is being manipulated by people who are not his friends because they get off on causing trouble/playing games.

Yup - EVERYONE here thinks that.

Do appreciate you calling him thick when your spelling leaves much to be desired.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Vaguely related hypothetical scenario, based upon actual people - if we (as a group of friends), were brought into a 'clear the air' meeting by a mate with a girlfriend who is very keen on such situations, it would have gone something like this;


So, why don't you respect my relationship with my boyfriend?


Ummm. Erm.


See, you're crumbling, because there's no reason for it!



(Umm, no. We're actually keeping quiet because, whilst we like our friend a huge amount, and we've tried to be nice and friendly, we've seen you go absolutely batshit crazy over him not doing as you expect, you're clingy, oversensitive, claim to not control him, but we can see the scared look in his eyes every time he thinks he might have annoyed you, especially when you threaten to end the relationship or have shouting matches in public. But when he's alone, he's relaxed, funny and the person we already knew.

You're probably not a bad person, but we really can't see this ending well for him. Or you. And we don't want to have a front seat view of it. Or tell you that's why we don't particularly want you at our events, because we want our mate happy and relaxed, not on a leash or a tightrope, just waiting for it to all kick off again.


And it's also why we didn't want to say it, because then you'll want him to choose/he'll feel he has to choose, which will obviously be in your favour, and he might end up in a complete mess, but with no friends to support him. )

[audibly] dunno. Didn't mean it like that. Didn't realise it was upsetting you to arrange something for his birthday. Sorry. Of course we respect your relationship.


Hopefully, this isn't the case here, but it illustrates how other's perceptions might be completely different with good reason.


For the record, the couple I'm talking about split up after two years, and he's gone from looking haunted and on edge on the rare occasions he was seen, to looking peaceful and relaxed.

DJS1988

barbiedoll wrote: »

Gosh, he gives a lot of credence to his friends opinions, doesn't he?

They didn't like his last girlfriend and so they "refused to socialise with her"....lucky her methinks!
And yet they did like the second one and they are all still in contact with her on social media but he still broke up with her? I'm surprised that they allowed that!

If friends of mine had refused to socialise with my chosen partner, I'd be finding myself some new friends, ones who would have some boundaries. Of course, not everyone gets on with everyone else, there are always personality clashes within a group of friends/partners, but this lot sound as though they expect any potential girlfriend to go through a vetting process akin to joining MI5, just for the special privilege of hanging out with them....what a cheek!

It does sound like hard work, what are they going to be like if you decide to marry? Do they expect to have input into the wedding and is it up to them who gets invited? Are they going to name your kids?

Good luck with the showdown, I hope it goes as you want it to. But I don't know if I could be bothered to be honest, I hope he is worth it.

I think in my haste to reply earlier that came across wrong. He certainly doesn't think they had anything to do with the last break up - I know he was deeply unhappy with the ex (she did sound to have many issues) however, the girl, when I first met her took great pleasure in telling me how they had a lot to do with he split. That set huge alarm bells with me and probably contributes to me feeling horrible in her presence.

DJS1988

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Vaguely related hypothetical scenario, based upon actual people - if we (as a group of friends), were brought into a 'clear the air' meeting by a mate with a girlfriend who is very keen on such situations, it would have gone something like this;


So, why don't you respect my relationship with my boyfriend?


Ummm. Erm.


See, you're crumbling, because there's no reason for it!



(Umm, no. We're actually keeping quiet because, whilst we like our friend a huge amount, and we've tried to be nice and friendly, we've seen you go absolutely batshit crazy over him not doing as you expect, you're clingy, oversensitive, claim to not control him, but we can see the scared look in his eyes every time he thinks he might have annoyed you, especially when you threaten to end the relationship or have shouting matches in public. But when he's alone, he's relaxed, funny and the person we already knew.

You're probably not a bad person, but we really can't see this ending well for him. Or you. And we don't want to have a front seat view of it. Or tell you that's why we don't particularly want you at our events, because we want our mate happy and relaxed, not on a leash or a tightrope, just waiting for it to all kick off again.


And it's also why we didn't want to say it, because then you'll want him to choose/he'll feel he has to choose, which will obviously be in your favour, and he might end up in a complete mess, but with no friends to support him. )

[audibly] dunno. Didn't mean it like that. Didn't realise it was upsetting you to arrange something for his birthday. Sorry. Of course we respect your relationship.


Hopefully, this isn't the case here, but it illustrates how other's perceptions might be completely different with good reason.


For the record, the couple I'm talking about split up after two years, and he's gone from looking haunted and on edge on the rare occasions he was seen, to looking peaceful and relaxed.

Not the case here whatsoever. I can assure you, if it were I would not get on with any friends - or family...whom he is extremely close to and whom we are around a lot.

I am not forcing this FYI. I suggested I would talk to her at some point with it being "this is going to ruin the boys friendships, we don't want this", which then became no, let's do it all together so everyone is clear. He suggested to the guy, who was in today agreement. She was the only sticking point.

Mojisola

DJS1988 wrote: »

I appreciate the opinions on here, but I'm going to be doing this.

As I said before - good luck.

I hope it works out for you.

dandelionclock30

Lol, sorry for saying how it is. I might be rubbish at spelling but I'm not manipulated by people and my partner puts me first not his friends.
Good luck with it anyway and work on your self esteem.

warehouse

I think the whole issue was answered perfectly in a few words in post 7.