Advice please - relationship & friends.

DJS1988

Around 17/18 years, so a long, long time. I don't want him to lose that relationship at all. The guy and I did get on well, I don't think he's bad through and through - just a bit dim and easily led. In addition to this (please don't berate me for this, just giving insight), he used to be a big guy. She runs him to the ground in public and puts him down a lot, but I think he still has the mentality that he should put up with it as he's "lucky" to have her. The way she talks to him is brushed off by all as "that's just how they are", but it's quite tough to hear as a new person coming into the group.

duchy

DJS1988 wrote: »

the guy, during our row, said “we’ve not seen him for 2 months and I haven’t yet moaned at you for it” – despite the reason that gap has happened was, they were away, my OH went away, had a few days back before we went away for 10 days, then we had HIS family engagements the following two weekends. Yet of course, it’s the wicked witch GF causing it!

So their nice little routine of their "gang" and the bloke who always spent lots of time with them has disappeared. Of course it is easier to blame you and even resent you a bit for him preferring to spend time with you rather than them.
Honestly I don't think this "friendship" is going to go anywhere -and even if you can get past this without something unforgivable been said odds are within a year they will just be aquaintances or just the boys catching up.
The dynamic has changed and they are feeling left out -and it probably would have happened even without you as your BF got busy with his new business. You are just a handy scapegoat as you say.
If the friendship somehow does endure - don't assume they won't decide to go the wedding and kids route once they see everyone else doing so though !!

Whatever happens this might be a good time to broaden your social circle anyway or you might get stuck with her as a bridesmaid if her BF is the best man !!!!

DJS1988

duchy wrote: »

So their nice little routine of their "gang" and the bloke who always spent lots of time with them has disappeared. Of course it is easier to blame you and even resent you a bit for him preferring to spend time with you rather than them.
Honestly I don't think this "friendship" is going to go anywhere -and even if you can get past this without something unforgivable been said odds are within a year they will just be aquaintances or just the boys catching up.
The dynamic has changed and they are feeling left out -and it probably would have happened even without you as your BF got busy with his new business. You are just a handy scapegoat as you say.
If the friendship somehow does endure - don't assume they won't decide to go the wedding and kids route once they see everyone else doing so though !!

I do think your right it will fall by the wayside more and more, but at the same point they are still going to be friends is someway for the foreseeable so it has to be dealt with. I do feel like the scapegoat for sure.

DJS1988

duchy wrote: »

Whatever happens this might be a good time to broaden your social circle anyway or you might get stuck with her as a bridesmaid if her BF is the best man !!!!

I do have a huge social circle, various groups of friends I spend time with, in addition to my close knit friends (8 ladies whom are very close to me, and whom I see on a weekly basis).

I would rather have my dog as my bridesmaid if push came to shove! :rotfl:

duchy

DJS1988 wrote: »

I do have a huge social circle, various groups of friends I spend time with, in addition to my close knit friends (8 ladies whom are very close to me, and whom I see on a weekly basis).

I would rather have my dog as my bridesmaid if push came to shove! :rotfl:

Elope !!!

I actually meant your social circle as a couple though !

DJS1988

Ah we do - my main group of friends mostly have partners so we all socialise a lot together, and he would now comfortably spend time with "my" guy friends without me being there. My mates love him and they see how happy we are. We also spend time with other friends of his (not in the same circle), and spend a lot of time with his brother and his partner, and his cousins etc of whom he has many around our age.

Really, we/I don't have to be around them much at all - it's more knowing that I can't, and also that at the end of this year there are three 30th's (including my OH's) in his tight circle where I have to be around them. I want these things to be happy events we look forward to, not dread.

lostinrates

I think the points about you being the fall guy, the self employed stuff etc need to be put across by your bf OP. Even if he has already done it.

If the others say ' we haven't complained about x, y' he could point out that friends support, not complain, as do partners. And you haven't complained about it either, what you are raising as a concern is that as a partner things like birthdays etc YOU might have plans for, and that you need to be considered as a part of his life.

This I agree with every one else needs to come from him, regardless of what further discussion YOU have at this meeting. Otherwise everything you are saying about her will be said about you.

DJS1988

lostinrates wrote: »

I think the points about you being the fall guy, the self employed stuff etc need to be put across by your bf OP. Even if he has already done it.

If the others say ' we haven't complained about x, y' he could point out that friends support, not complain, as do partners. And you haven't complained about it either, what you are raising as a concern is that as a partner things like birthdays etc YOU might have plans for, and that you need to be considered as a part of his life.

This I agree with every one else needs to come from him, regardless of what further discussion YOU have at this meeting. Otherwise everything you are saying about her will be said about you.

I absolutely agree.

January20

DJS1988 wrote: »

I do think your right it will fall by the wayside more and more, but at the same point they are still going to be friends is someway for the foreseeable so it has to be dealt with. I do feel like the scapegoat for sure.

Not sure if anybody has mentioned it before DJS but they are probably feeling strong and sure that your BF would choose them over you because they've already broken up one of his relationships (when they refused to socialise with the girl) so are not afraid to be difficult about you. You'll have to be so careful at that meeting, because sadly your BF has set a precedent.

DJS1988

Yeah, whilst my boyfriend doesn't think they had anything to do with that break up (when I say they must have, he questions if I think he's that shallow..) as he was not happy with that ex, I definitely know that the girl in question views her bad treatment of her as something to be proud of, as she's told me herself. I think it was along the lines of "lucky for you we wouldn't be around her or he might still be with her".

That's the attitude I am sadly dealing with!