Advice please - relationship & friends.

duchy

Quite honestly if they didn't learn their lesson the first time he put his foot down - and did it again a few weeks later ....I'd not be bothering giving them a third chance in your BF's shoes.
If it was a long standing friendship I'd simply step back a bit -accept general group social invites but would not do anything with them in a smaller setting.
Twice would be once too many times for me-They are being very disrespectful to him. This really isn't about you -it's about your BF and them -and them trying to play a power game. You are simply collateral damage and not the main issue. They've probably played a variation of this game with his other GFs but he's a bit older and wiser now -and is in a more important relationship so the dynamics have changed.
Knowing that may be useful to you in dealing with this meeting if the GF doesn't manage to wriggle out of it (which it sounds like she will do). If this issue was important to them they would have arranged to get together to sort it out ASAP not put it off. Again another indication that what your BF feels is important-isn't important to them.

Kayalana99

DJS1988 wrote: »

He is, and I have told him. Trying to keep everyone happy ultimately doesn't work and I think after this weekend of talking rather than arguing, he realises that a lot more.

The problem with forums is you don't see the whole picture, you tell us something your OH has done and people will judge him for it...but only you can know the kind of person he is and know the full story.

Make your best judgement, I am open minded about this meeting and would love to know the out come...but I do think you're being a tad naive to think you're going to be able to keep your cool if the wrong things are said...you seem to care to much. (I don't mean that as a dig just my opinion again not seeing the whole picture here !)

You might find they say things that you havn't got a reply to, or that you know are true so can't fight them...remember not everyone is perfect and we all have flaws.

katiegizmo

I can see why you want a meeting. If you don't they'll always be an elephant in the room when you're all together, there's a chance it will blow up in a more public way, and why would you not take a chance to find out what is going on, why would you let things just continue when they are hurting you?

In a horrible way, even if it does blow up, you'll know. You'll know whether the relationship is worth persuing. You'll know whether you can make any headway with them or if they are a lost cause. You'll give your bf that chance to defend you and you'll see whether he can be the man you want him to be if you're going to be with him. You'll know whether you have to just rise above it or rightly or wrongly check out of that part of your bfs life for now at least.

I can see how trying to thrash it out is a lesser evil than constantly wondering what her/the next move will be. It might get messy, you might get really hurt and it may be the worst decision ever but if you don't try you won't know. Let's hope it is something easy to sort, some misunderstanding somewhere you can all laugh about. If not, the issue probably won't go away at least not for a long while.

The only thing I might have done differently is tell them that's what the meeting is about. I might have just arranged something socially then hit them with it and put them on the spot. But maybe I'm a bit evil....hahaha!

Mojisola

duchy wrote: »

This really isn't about you - it's about your BF and them - and them trying to play a power game. You are simply collateral damage and not the main issue.

This what I suspect, too. I hope we're wrong and DJS1988 manages to sort things out. I hope she does come back with an update.

lostinrates

I think slightly differently to the majority.

I think your bf is showing many admirable qualities, Loyalty steadfastness, not making rash decisions and attempts at diplomacy.

These are things to love in a person.

I do however agree the meeting has great potential to work against you. But as you are set on it I wish you well.

One thing I point out, not to aggravate you but to help you. You snapped here, admittedly in the face of much disagreement, but you are going to face prolonged disagreement in a more personal way from this woman even if it goes well at the meeting. People do not like to be called out. I am afraid she is likelY to whisper in ears against you for a long time.

May I suggest you are never , ever caught making any facial expression even against her even to the other women who are not her close friends. Even if they bring it up in loos in a restaurant or anything just shrug it off.

If this is your forever relationship, and they are his forever friends, this could blow up again in ten, twenty years, because some people sit on things in an unhealthy way. I don't want to sound doom laden, but I would never let your guard down around that person.

duchy

I'm not so sure they are his forever friends - not now he is starting to see they may be manipulating him.

Friendships ebb and flow once people start to settle down anyway though-It isn't a matter of friends and not friends - just sometimes the closeness fades or if the partners don't get along the "boys" meet up instead.
It doesn't need to be all or nothing.

lostinrates

duchy wrote: »

I'm not so sure they are his forever friends - not now he is starting to see they may be manipulating him.

Friendships ebb and flow once people start to settle down anyway though-It isn't a matter of friends and not friends - just sometimes the closeness fades or if the partners don't get along the "boys" meet up instead.
It doesn't need to be all or nothing.

I think that's very possible too.

One of the phrases that stands some thinking about is 'friends are forever' well, they might be if they keep hounding away new partners :rotfl:

I think you are doing ok op. And your partner might have made the wrong call about going out, ( IMO) on the Saturday, but people DO make errors of judgement, its not necessarily reason to dump them. Working through these sort of things is just as much what makes relation ships and sets the foundations of them as all the moonlit walks and kisses, the romantic nights where the earth moves and the astounding things you don't disagree over

DJS1988

lostinrates wrote: »

I think that's very possible too.

One of the phrases that stands some thinking about is 'friends are forever' well, they might be if they keep hounding away new partners :rotfl:

I think you are doing ok op. And your partner might have made the wrong call about going out, ( IMO) on the Saturday, but people DO make errors of judgement, its not necessarily reason to dump them. Working through these sort of things is just as much what makes relation ships and sets the foundations of them as all the moonlit walks and kisses, the romantic nights where the earth moves and the astounding things you don't disagree over

I don’t see these people as people we will continue to be close to once we’re more settled. My OH is very family orientated, his lot are so close, and he wants kids etc. They, despite living together etc, have no intention of marrying and are not fussed about children. I wouldn’t see the two boys being friends without such a long history – they are as different as people can be. However, in the interim I just want to make life a bit easier all round by at the least being able to be civil.

Something I’ve forgotten to mention and that I think may likely be their biggest point for their “dislike”, is that they do not see my OH anywhere near as much as they used to. Two months before meeting me, he quit his 9-5 and set up his own business. The amalgamation of meeting me and his focus being so heavily on making his business work, has obviously meant he does not have as much spare time as he did have. In my eyes, they have not been supportive or understanding of that, and even though he may not physically spend much time with them, he hasn’t withdrawn and is still a good friend to them. I do think they’ve struggled with that change, but things change, life evolves and they do have to accept that. I don’t spend as much time as I would like with my OH, but I understand we are both busy with our careers and for now that’s life. I think I did mention the guy, during our row, said “we’ve not seen him for 2 months and I haven’t yet moaned at you for it” – despite the reason that gap has happened was, they were away, my OH went away, had a few days back before we went away for 10 days, then we had HIS family engagements the following two weekends. Yet of course, it’s the wicked witch GF causing it!

DJS1988

lostinrates wrote: »

Working through these sort of things is just as much what makes relation ships and sets the foundations of them as all the moonlit walks and kisses, the romantic nights where the earth moves and the astounding things you don't disagree over

Absolutely. We're still a relatively new couple, and even people that have been together 50 years are still learning about the other person. We are working out our foundations and boundaries as we go, and it's a shame other people have taken it upon themselves to try and get involved in that and cause us problems by being malicious.

Izadora

lostinrates wrote: »

I think slightly differently to the majority.

I think your bf is showing many admirable qualities, Loyalty steadfastness, not making rash decisions and attempts at diplomacy.

:T
I'm not sure how long the guys have been friends but it's bothered me slightly the number of people who feel that the OP should dump her boyfriend because of his lack of loyalty but completely skipped over the fact that you should be loyal to your friends as well.
In this situation, the friend's girlfriend is making it pretty much impossible for him to remain loyal to both and yes, he probably could've handled it better but I think it's admirable that he's trying to find a way to keep everything, if not harmonious, at least civil.