marriage in trouble

tayforth

You poor thing. Big hugs to you.

My ex used to pressure me in exactly the same way. I asked him on several occasions if we could have a few days apart, and he always said no: "If either of us walks out that door, it's over." It scared me into submission for months. I couldn't think properly while he was in the house, which is probably what he wanted. He needed to be in control, to have me in his presence.

A few days before I ended it, I asked him to go to his mum's for a bit and give me space. Sensing that I was close to the end of my emotional tether, he actually LEFT THE HOUSE... and then he came back half an hour later! This is pure controlling behaviour.

Finally, I told him that it was over, no way back, no more chances - ever. I felt numb at first, but after that, the relief was incredible.

We are all behind you, lonelyguy.

marisco_2

Making decisions, even really painful ones, can be an empowering experience. It is important to take time to reflect, face up to the reality of a situation, reconcile all your feelings and decide on the life path you wish to take next. This process is required if a person stands any chance of moving forward in a stable and secure frame of mind. A time limit should never be applied to doing this, as individuals will work through things at their own pace. Those that apply this approach suffer far less emotional pain in the long run. For a partner to not respect or allow for this, shows a total lack of concern for another's needs and wellbeing.

CH27

Hope you're ok lonelyguy.

keith969

tayforth wrote: »

We are all behind you, lonelyguy.

Indeed, Don't forget it. What you are going though is awful (I know from experience) but there is a better life ahead - think of the future, it WILL get better!

lonelyguy

Hi all
just wanted to check in and give an update.

thanks for your messages of support. They really have helped me to stay strong these last few days.

yesterday was a hard day.

we ended up talking again last night. I was still being pressured I to giving an answer.
I feel I should add a bit more history. Last year when ww seperated, we agreed to have a couple of weeks apart for me to figure out my feelings.
we actually agreed this with her parents.
the same night of the agreement she came round and demanded an answer yes or no. I said I needed time but she wanted an answer.
I said my answer had to be no then as I could not commit to a yes when I didnt know how I felt.
I was heartbroken and for the next six months lived at my brothers with no contact with her.
we reconciled after 6 months and decided to give things a go.

Now I can understand why she feels the way she does because this is happening again, largely due to the same issues.
She is afraid of being left hanging on again.
I totally get all this even though I still feel like if she gave me the time I needed last year we may not be in this place now.

skip to last night.
she wanted a decision as she said she could no longer cope.
one of her suggestions was counselling.

I said that I would be up for counselling in order that we could try to work through our problems and see if we both think we could be happy.
you can use counselling for this right?

She said that if we went she would want to focus on us being able to make up better after an argument - techniques, methods etc...

I said okay but in order to do that we would still need to explore the reasons why it is difficult as im sure we both have issues.

when I said this she said that she wasnt sure about going to counselling as she didnt just want to hear me go on an on.
I explained it would be structured so it would not be one sided. All the same she didnt sound keen.

So that was a bit of a u-turn and made me feel a little bit more unloved to be honest.

she kept wanting to know if I wanted to be with her. She needed to hear the words.
I said that I still loved her and if we could work out our differences with counselling then I would give things another go.

but this wasnt enough.

She then asked me about my feelings, about how I feel now and what I would feel about either outcome if were to split or stay together. It started to feel like she was counselling me! I had a long list of feelings that I am feeling at the moment.
she suggested that I go to the doctor to see if I am clinically depressed and that I should find someone elsw to talk to when all these feelings come up as she couldnt take it all.

that kind of deflated me but then I thought maybe I do have the problem. Maybe I am depressed? But I think my depression comes from issues in the relationship.

anyway, by the end of the night she said she couldnt cope anymore. She hated coming home while I was like this and she didnt know if she could carry on but no definite answer either way. She said she was now in the same place I was :-(

So in conclusion, was my approach to counselling wrong? I feel like the reason she know doesnt want to go is becuase she doesnt want to confront the issues I may have with her behaviour. Im very haopy to talk about my failings as we al have them but if she is not then I dont think it will work

I cant say for sure that I still want to be with her but I hoped that the fact I hadnt packed my bags and that she had talked me down from leaving last week would show her there are still some feelings there. So her now not wanting to go to counselling puts me in a hard spot.

I feel like saying, you wanted an answer and I gave you one. Its not everything you wanted but I was open to working on our relationship.
so the option is that we either go to counselling to see if we can reconcile or its over.

Am I being reasonable?

Last night when she was really upset I did go upstairs and give her a hug

im really trying but I just dont think she wants to do counselling unless she knows 100% that I still want to be with her.

Idiophreak

lonelyguy wrote: »

I feel like saying, you wanted an answer and I gave you one. Its not everything you wanted but I was open to working on our relationship.
so the option is that we either go to counselling to see if we can reconcile or its over.

This is entirely reasonable...You're saying that you can't carry on the way things are and that you want some counselling to try and break the cycle. Who knows, it may turn into you listing her flaws - it may turn out the other way around - but if she's not prepared to find out either way, I think that speaks volumes.

Anyway, stay strong - it's been a very tough week for you!

fivetide

Just be honest.

Q. "Do you want to be with me?"
A. "Right now no. Here's why...."

That seems to be the summary of it.

Gigervamp

She's still trying to control you. She'll agree to going to counselling if it's on her terms.

There's no point in trying to deal with how you make up after a row, you need to be able to learn how not to row in the first place! I've never had counselling, but I'm sure a counselor would want to deal with the issues that lead to the arguing.

Stick to your guns. If she really loves you, she'll be willing to try anything to save your marriage. But I have to say, it doesn't sound like she's willing to do that.

Melonade

Sorry you've had a tough weekend, that doesn't sound like it's any better either

I think you have been very patient and caring, considering what your going through your still managing to try and sort it out when your emotions must be all over the place.

The bit that stands out to me is your wife's views on counselling! Even after trying to control you into giving a quick answer on your relationship, she has now tried to control the counselling situation too.

You have issues with the way you feel because of the way your wife treats you. I see it like this....

You can't come to a decision so your wife agreed to counselling.
Your wife now doesn't like the sound of counselling because she doesn't want to hear about your feelings.
She will go to counselling to help you both get over an argument.
And she will go to counselling as long as it's stuff she wants to discuss.

I kind of think the reason would be to deal with the problems that cause the arguments and unhappy feeling, rather than the aftermath.

She is playing you and controlling you. You will be in this position again before the year is out. I'm not saying leave your wife but I do think you need to put your foot down very hard. "We will go to counselling as long as we agree to talk about everything and anything that is affecting the relationship"....is the kind of attitude you need to take. I think if you can't get past this you are a pretty big hole!!

victory

gigervamp is right, if your wife wanted to save the marriage and has realised how pained you are she would be doing anything to try, your wife knew you felt this way last time and since then could you say she has changed? Has she been prepared to see your side? Does she listen to you, hear what you are saying? Is she prepared to put you first for a while and then 50/50, when the rows start are they all one=sided with your wife thinking it is you that are causing them?

Communication is the key to any marriage, when one person is causing pain to the other it has to be discussed and prevented from happening again not have another row over the same thing, your wife has to appreciate that this is serious, that you are unhappy and your happiness should be the one thing she cares about.

From all your posts this was not springed on her, came out of the blue, she must have known that how you felt?

Your wife has taken you to the edge of every emotion and now you have said no, your wife is doing what?