marriage in trouble

suze200

Well done for taking back some control and saying what you want. Nothing was confrontational or unreasonable.

tayforth

suze200 wrote: »

Dear Lonely Guy

After reading some your thread I have felt compelled to post. For many years I had suffered many similar experiences to you with my husband. He was very controlling and abusive for over 24 years but i didn't see that or call it that until I contacted Womens Aid and was helped by them. He never was never ever physically violent.

We had come to the brink of separating many times and he always manged to persuade me and be "nice", sometimes for quite long periods of time. This in itself is an abusive tactic.

It wasn't until he started to treat the same way our 13 year old daughter that I contacted Women's Aid.

To cut a long story short I did a course with them called the Freedom program and from that became aware of all the various tactics used by abusers to expert power and control. The "intimacy" issues you have with your wife fit with sexual control. This shocked me so much as I believed that sexual control was just about forcing someone against their will, but no, withdrawal and only allowing sex only on the abusers terms is just as much sexual control as forcing.

These extracts are from the course book but so much more is discussed on the course

THE SEXUAL CONTROLLER
• Rapes you.
• Won’t accept no for an answer
• Keeps you pregnant (obviously this doesn't apply to you)
OR
• Rejects your advances

There is a male equivalent to Women's Aid. You could call them and discuss what has been happening in your marriage. It might help you gain clarity

http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php.html

This is a great post, thank you suze200.

marisco wrote: »

Throughout this thread I have felt increasingly disturbed and saddened by the way your wife chooses to speak to you. The above is so disrespectful, and shows a blatant disregard for how you are feeling and why the state of your marriage is so fragile. In all honesty to remain in an environment where you are subjected to this kind of treatment will be really detrimental to you on so many levels.

The aim of participating in relationship counselling, is for a couple to be enabled to openly express all of their thoughts and feelings to one another, guided by a trained neutral third party. Each person needs to be prepared to fully listen to their partners point of view, take it on board without becoming defensive and then work through each issue together. They also each need to feel completely uninhibited about getting issues and upsets out into the open. Without this approach counselling is highly unlikely to be worthwhile or effective.

As ever, marisco, I couldn't agree with you more.

A loving relationship is one in which both parties should be willing to listen to each other and discuss their feelings. Each person should want above all else to protect the relationship and resolve problems when they arise, in a manner which strengthens their bond.

Neither party should seek to 'win' an argument or put down the other; rather, the end result should be that you both feel loved and respected.

Your wife doesn't appear to care about your feelings at all. She dismisses what you have to say in an offhand way. This must be so hurtful. I know, because I've been there.

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

she wanted a decision as she said she could no longer cope.

Oh the irony.

Said it would seem without any apparent self awareness of the fact, that the reason you cant yet give any decision is down to feeling lost, numb and totally confused, due to her mistreatment of you. For her to go as far as to claim to be in the same place as you are, is emotional blackmail at its finest and frankly downright offensive to you.

sax11

Going to be blunt here.

She wants out but is in a cushy lifestyle and why damage that & deep down you want out of the situation and hardship. BUT she knows that it won't happen.

It will be a hard decision but I would call it a day, no amount of councelling will resolve anything, well it might for a month or 2 and then you'll be back in the same situation. Then back to councelling, then normal, and repeat.

Seems that you are the only one, by what you have said, that is bringing anything to the party. She knows, due to her previous nature that you will say yes to giving it another go and again, the cycle will continue.

It will be hard but better to make a break now than give it longer and simmer resentment.

Hanging_by_a_thread

lonelyguy wrote: »

So her now not wanting to go to counselling puts me in a hard spot.

The way I see it is that in order to have a chance at salvaging your marriage, all your wife has to do is to agree to go to counselling and fully commit to working on the issues within your relationship with you. If you and what you share together meant anything to her, why would she be dithering around, rather than jumping at this chance to still have a future with you?

Melonade

I've been thinking about this all day and honestly I don't see a way out of it

If your wife had said "Let's try counselling, we will talk everything through and try to fix this relationship. I will do anything you want me to do to make it better. I love you and your feelings are the most important thing to me. If your unhappy I'm sorry and this isn't how we should be living together if we are supposed to love each other. Our future happiness together Is so important I am willing to try ANYTHING" then there would be hope.

In this situation I would be horrified if my OH came to me with these problems, I'd move heaven and earth to get the relationship back. I'd be looking at my own faults and the reasons why I acted like this. What I would NOT try and wriggle out of it rather than face some hard truths about the way I act!!!! She needs to take a bl00dy hard look at herself and stop being a selfish little brat.

tayforth

Melonade wrote: »

I've been thinking about this all day and honestly I don't see a way out of it

If your wife had said "Let's try counselling, we will talk everything through and try to fix this relationship. I will do anything you want me to do to make it better. I love you and your feelings are the most important thing to me. If your unhappy I'm sorry and this isn't how we should be living together if we are supposed to love each other. Our future happiness together Is so important I am willing to try ANYTHING" then there would be hope.

In this situation I would be horrified if my OH came to me with these problems, I'd move heaven and earth to get the relationship back. I'd be looking at my own faults and the reasons why I acted like this. What I would NOT try and wriggle out of it rather than face some hard truths about the way I act!!!! She needs to take a bl00dy hard look at herself and stop being a selfish little brat.

Same here. That's what you do when you love someone.

lonelyguy

I agree.
thats why when she said I had affection problems I spent 5 months in counselling each week to explore why it could be.
it turned out half of it was because I found it hard to be close to someone who treated me badly!
Anyway, the point is I really tried and if it wasnt enough she could have left me but I think I improved a lot (even if I do say so myself ;-) )

I have to go to doctors tomorrow about something and she mentioned that maybe I could ask for something to help with my depression
I said no way. I hate tablets at the beat of times and why would I want to numb my feelings?

She has said that we should try to have a good week and then at the end see if counselling is worth it? She says she is up for it but there would be no point if we dont get on.
when is she going to realise that it WILL NOT be sorted without it??

She just came and sat next to me and asked if we could hug. I wasnt that forthcoming tbh. I did in the end but again I just think if she wants to give me a hug then just do it.

she also told me that she just doesnt have much energy left now so she cant carry me.
I said fine. I dont need anyone to carry me. I hadnt asked her for anything anyway.

and before I forget, I hope you havent all pulled your hair out yet. I know you are all saying the same thing to me. Im not ignoring you. Im just hoping there is any sense of responsibility on her part that may surface
for anyone that has lost hair, pm me your address and ill send you a nice wig ;-)

tillyenna

Hey, I've just read through all of this, and whilst I can't offer any advice (and personally I don't think it sounds like you are depressed) if you DO speak to your GP about depression it's unlikely they'll go straight to medication as the solution (and if they do, you're well within your rights to refuse it, I should know, I have done, countless times) - they are more likely to suggest... counselling!


So counselling does seem like the sensible option, irrespective of whether you are depressed or not. I would suggest mentioning this to the Mrs, but it doesn't seem much like she will listen.

Melonade

lonelyguy wrote: »

I agree.
thats why when she said I had affection problems I spent 5 months in counselling each week to explore why it could be.
it turned out half of it was because I found it hard to be close to someone who treated me badly!
Anyway, the point is I really tried and if it wasnt enough she could have left me but I think I improved a lot (even if I do say so myself ;-) )

I have to go to doctors tomorrow about something and she mentioned that maybe I could ask for something to help with my depression
I said no way. I hate tablets at the beat of times and why would I want to numb my feelings?

She has said that we should try to have a good week and then at the end see if counselling is worth it? She says she is up for it but there would be no point if we dont get on.
when is she going to realise that it WILL NOT be sorted without it??

She just came and sat next to me and asked if we could hug. I wasnt that forthcoming tbh. I did in the end but again I just think if she wants to give me a hug then just do it.

she also told me that she just doesnt have much energy left now so she cant carry me.
I said fine. I dont need anyone to carry me. I hadnt asked her for anything anyway.

and before I forget, I hope you havent all pulled your hair out yet. I know you are all saying the same thing to me. Im not ignoring you. Im just hoping there is any sense of responsibility on her part that may surface
for anyone that has lost hair, pm me your address and ill send you a nice wig ;-)

That would of happened when you separated last time. Expecting it to happen now is quite a big ask. Not that you should be asking

I doubt anyone is pulling their hair out, more upset on your behalf that your wife is being more than a little unreasonable.