marriage in trouble

lonelyguy

Fbaby, you are right.
I am being negative and resistant to what she says.
partly I think justifiably but I dont want to use this solely as a citicism sounding board.
thats made me think about my own attitude today.
I think I now need to take ownership of my own happiness before I become bitter for a long time.

CH27

lonelyguy wrote: »

Fbaby, you are right.
I am being negative and resistant to what she says.
partly I think justifiably but I dont want to use this solely as a citicism sounding board.
thats made me think about my own attitude today.
I think I now need to take ownership of my own happiness before I become bitter for a long time.

I think that is very wise & please hold on to that thought.

victory

lonelyguy wrote: »

Fbaby, you are right.
I am being negative and resistant to what she says.
partly I think justifiably but I dont want to use this solely as a citicism sounding board.
thats made me think about my own attitude today.
I think I now need to take ownership of my own happiness before I become bitter for a long time.

Counselling will be unpleasant and raw, difficult and make everyone feel uneasy but it is there to bring out all the negatives to the front and tackle them head on, it is not there to score points off each other or sit there and keep going over and over what you think she did or said that ruined the relationship and what she thinks you said or did that made her resent you or love you less, all that is pointless.

Every situation you have both been in 2 people have handled it differently, if for eg your wife was talking to her friends she would put her spin on it and if you overheard her speak you could be aghast she even saw it that way and vice versa.

You need to try to hear each other instead of blame and get back on the same page and counselling does that, if you both want the marriage, if you both do not want to drown in misery and resentment, negativity and hatred go to counselling alone or preferably together to overcome all the times when things have not quite come across as they should have and have been misunderstood and hold onto as a grudge, go and seek outside impartial help.

FBaby

lonelyguy wrote: »

I think I now need to take ownership of my own happiness before I become bitter for a long time.

Totally agree with this, bitterness does creep in and eats us inside. It polutes our ability to think and assess situations clearly. I think focussing on your own happiness is the way to go and I am not sure whether at this point you can do this in the situation you are in in your marriage.

FBaby

victory wrote: »

Counselling will be unpleasant and raw, difficult and make everyone feel uneasy but it is there to bring out all the negatives to the front and tackle them head on, it is not there to score points off each other or sit there and keep going over and over what you think she did or said that ruined the relationship and what she thinks you said or did that made her resent you or love you less, all that is pointless.

Every situation you have both been in 2 people have handled it differently, if for eg your wife was talking to her friends she would put her spin on it and if you overheard her speak you could be aghast she even saw it that way and vice versa.

You need to try to hear each other instead of blame and get back on the same page and counselling does that, if you both want the marriage, if you both do not want to drown in misery and resentment, negativity and hatred go to counselling alone or preferably together to overcome all the times when things have not quite come across as they should have and have been misunderstood and hold onto as a grudge, go and seek outside impartial help.

Totally agree with this. I am not sure you are even both at the stage where joint counselling could really help you if you are arguing even before you start how you expect it to go and what you want out of it. Going to counselling alone might actually be a better way to start helping you and her moving away from the bitterness you have both accumulated over the years.

Morglin

lonelyguy wrote: »

Oh and before I forget, she also said that if I was 'like this' this week then she would rather make other plans.

oh yeah, and seeing as 'we' are going to try this week, we should also keep the house tidy.

good one....

To be honest, you have allowed yourself to be manipulated and controlled (and it can be an easy thing to allow, for a quiet life).

She, in turn, I would imagine (from a female perspective) has lost all respect for you, and I really would call it a day now.

All the counselling in the world won't change how she feels, to be honest, and she doesn't sound committed to making an effort.

Find someone who loves you for being you, works as a team, and someone you can share the highs and lows with.

Do you seriously want to live the rest of your life with little sex or affection and being put down all the time?

I don't think you are depressed. - you are demoralised and stressed, and she is still calling the shots. :wall:

End it, and get your self respect back, is my advice. It is hard, as I know, to end a marriage, but it can be done and life can be happy again.

Good luck.

Lin

SternMusik

Hope you are ok lonelyguy. Have you made any progress these past couple of days?

sax11

Morglin wrote: »

To be honest, you have allowed yourself to be manipulated and controlled

All the counselling in the world won't change how she feels,

End it, and get your self respect back, is my advice.

Couldn't agree more with the above. Deep down i think the OP is thinking the same.

skattykatty

been thinking about you lonelyguy...seems like you have come a long way in how you are considering your relationship...how are you managing?

SternMusik

Any news lonelyguy? Hope you are ok.