marriage in trouble

tayforth

lonelyguy wrote: »

Hi all

Hope you all had a nice bank holiday.

im sorry its been a while since I logged on.
so we spent last week at home instead of going away.

Some days it was okay. We didnt spend loads of time together. We did a day trip to get some bits for the house which needed doing even if we were to split and sell. It went okay but ive always been conscious of how much of a distraction consumerism can be especially at times like this.

we went out on friday for a day trip together. Things went badly and we argued and came back sooner than planned. Was a bad day for both of us. To be fair to her she tried to make up with me but I just didnt have it in me. I think my resentment and bitterness goes deeper than I first wanted to admit.

it sounds bad doesnt it? To have to say that during an argument I end up bringing so much past resentment with me. I can say with my hand on my heart that I honestly tried to let it go but I just cant.

we talked yesterday. I told her that im not doing well.
she still wants me to see the doc as she reckons I am depressed.
It must be hard for her to live with me as im not showing any affection or that much in any way.
I did say that it was only a couple of weeks ago I wanted to end it and she asked me to try again which I am doing. Only I am not doing so well.

she said yesterday, what if she saw another man to get what she couldnt get from me. I think she was trying to shock me. I said that if she wanted to have an affair, she could do the decent thing and end things with me first.

Obv other things were said and I just picked out the most pertinent comment.

im back at work today and feel really down. I wanted to take control of my happiness but its not working so well.

I dont feel like talking to anyone anymore. Not my friends or family.
I put on a brave face at work but underneath I am very fragile.

I guess we tried last week and it didnt work.

its weird though - when im at home, doing the garden or something I feel at peace and feel like we could be happy but thats when she isnt wlaround. When she gets back, my feelings change.

I said to her that in all our years of arguing (which has been constant since we got married) it has just broken me. I dont know how to move forwards anymore. I really am very broken inside :-(
And I am man enough to say this and take responsibility for my part in this. I am not perfect and neither is she. We both try our best but it just doesnt work.
square pegs in round holes etc...

Im tired of being depressed.
Been thinking about changing jobs etc... but I think it is all to do with my unhappiness in marriage.

just an update really. I know there is not much else you guys can say that hasnt been said already.

I almoat feel bi-polar with it. One minute im confident that we can get through this and then the reality sets in that we dont share those endless laughter moments in a relationship that I crave so much. We are just moving further and further apart in a painfully slow plaster pulling way...

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

My ex said the exact same thing to me. It was shocking and cruel, but it didn't move me in any way. It just showed him up for what he was.

As marisco says, you are not to blame for what she said. She is being nasty and manipulative, and she said that to hurt you deeply, on purpose. That is now how anyone should treat someone they claim to love and respect. You know that.

You say that you're isolated and withdrawn. Please don't be. Please talk to someone. Friends, family, workmates, boss, Samaritans, anyone. I withdrew as well. I didn't sleep, didn't eat - for weeks. When I finally did talk about it, the relief was incredible. Just to be able to let out all the tension, to share some of the weight that had been crushing me for months. PM me if you want to talk and I'll give you my email address.

And please keep posting xxx

lonelyguy

Need to delete

Gigervamp

She's not accepting her responsibility in the state of your marriage. It's still all you, you, you. You need to go to counselling, you need to go to the doctor.

Like pulling off a plaster, you need to get this over and done with quickly now. Keeping on the talking isn't getting you anywhere and it won't as she's not taking any responsibility herself.

You need to pack your bags and go now.

lonelyguy

She did say that she was willing to work on the things that I need and to give her all but I said it was too little too late.

Gigervamp

So, you've made the decision now?

lonelyguy

Id made the decision last night and told her as much. She is still hanging on in the belief we can work things out. I said too much has happened for me to move forward with her even if she thinks she can move forward.
I will let her think about what I said today and will try to sit down and talk about selling house etc... this weekend and move out if need be. Thats the plan.

ScrimpingandSaving

Dear LonelyGuy

Your posts are full of pain and heartache. I can fully relate to that. When I was growing up my stepfather made my life hell. He would look at me as though I was something he had stood in. He would criticise me - on everything from the way I looked, to the way I spoke and even the way I ate food. He and my mother would comment on my appearance and tease me about my lack of boobs (I was a teenager) and my boyish hairstyle. Everything I did was wrong, everything I said was wrong.

In the end I felt low and depressed. I felt as though I was undeserving of love and must be a horrible person. It took me many years and some brilliant friends to get me to where I am today.

I now know that as emotional abuse and from what you have said, this is what you are experiencing.

Of course you are depressed. She has made you so. By her constant picking of you, your traits, your failings, she has made you sink to your lowest point and now she nicely wants you to go to the doctor as if the depression is the cause of all this. It's not, she is. It reminds me of my mother sending me to the GP about my weight loss - in fact it was because I was never allowed to make myself anything to eat and what food I did get were very small portions of bland, inedible food that I was told I should be grateful for.

I wish I could go back in time to my teenage self and give myself the balls to stand up to them and to leave. I wish I had run away from home whilst I had the chance, or had said something to somebody.

Now I am wishing I could do the same for you.

Your wife is abusive. She wants you to stay because she knows she can control you. By controlling you, she is making herself feel powerful. That's how my stepdad used to exert his power over me, by belittling me in front of others, by making fun of me. He effectively silenced me.

How your wife is might stem from an abusive childhood. But that's not your problem right now. I doubt very much that your wife will face up to her own issues. It will always be you to blame and never her.

I am very glad you don't have children with her.

Leave her. When you are stronger you can tell her why, but don't be surprised that, despite any new-found confidence, she makes you feel 2 years old whenever you meet up.

I think you will find that when you are free from this emotionally abusive woman, your confidence will come back and you'll be free from depression. I suggest you go to Relate by yourself, just to get counselling that will enable you to move on from this and not make the same mistake again whilst you are at a low ebb.

You deserve so much more than this. My husband used to say that it seemed to him, that all the girls went for the bad boys rather than the nice ones. Well he was wrong. You will find someone who will give you back the love you so openly give to others. Just give yourself time to heal. Phone a few friends, get back out there. I'll bet your friends and family will start telling you a few home truths about how they felt about her once you've left.

Good luck lonelyguy and I hope you can change your name soon

stripey1969

There you go, you found the strength you needed too. Well done, it's such a hard decision to make. I suspect she'll try all sorts of different ways to get you to change your mind - some 'nice', some not so nice! - but from what you've told us I think you really need to stand firm and let her go.

I'm sure there's a bright and happy future for you when you've had chance to heal yourself from this experience. It'll be a tough few months, but have faith you'll get there. Make sure you let us know how you're getting on x

kelpie35

I am so pleased that you have found the strength to stand up for your self. It takes guts to that and you should be so proud of your self.

You deserve to have a happy life and not a controlled one.

You will need time to build up your self esteem but I know you will get there.

I wish you happiness in the future.

ruby-roo_2

I have read over this whole thread. My advice is that you should end it with your wife, move on, have some time by yourself and when you are ready to, find someone who you can be really happy with.

Why stay in a relationship that is so toxic, with a person who makes you miserable? When you could be with someone who appreciates all your qualities, likes, loves, respects, values and really understands you.