marriage in trouble

lonelyguy

Hi all

Hope you all had a nice bank holiday.

im sorry its been a while since I logged on.
so we spent last week at home instead of going away.

Some days it was okay. We didnt spend loads of time together. We did a day trip to get some bits for the house which needed doing even if we were to split and sell. It went okay but ive always been conscious of how much of a distraction consumerism can be especially at times like this.

we went out on friday for a day trip together. Things went badly and we argued and came back sooner than planned. Was a bad day for both of us. To be fair to her she tried to make up with me but I just didnt have it in me. I think my resentment and bitterness goes deeper than I first wanted to admit.

it sounds bad doesnt it? To have to say that during an argument I end up bringing so much past resentment with me. I can say with my hand on my heart that I honestly tried to let it go but I just cant.

we talked yesterday. I told her that im not doing well.
she still wants me to see the doc as she reckons I am depressed.
It must be hard for her to live with me as im not showing any affection or that much in any way.
I did say that it was only a couple of weeks ago I wanted to end it and she asked me to try again which I am doing. Only I am not doing so well.

she said yesterday, what if she saw another man to get what she couldnt get from me. I think she was trying to shock me. I said that if she wanted to have an affair, she could do the decent thing and end things with me first.

Obv other things were said and I just picked out the most pertinent comment.

im back at work today and feel really down. I wanted to take control of my happiness but its not working so well.

I dont feel like talking to anyone anymore. Not my friends or family.
I put on a brave face at work but underneath I am very fragile.

I guess we tried last week and it didnt work.

its weird though - when im at home, doing the garden or something I feel at peace and feel like we could be happy but thats when she isnt wlaround. When she gets back, my feelings change.

I said to her that in all our years of arguing (which has been constant since we got married) it has just broken me. I dont know how to move forwards anymore. I really am very broken inside :-(
And I am man enough to say this and take responsibility for my part in this. I am not perfect and neither is she. We both try our best but it just doesnt work.
square pegs in round holes etc...

Im tired of being depressed.
Been thinking about changing jobs etc... but I think it is all to do with my unhappiness in marriage.

just an update really. I know there is not much else you guys can say that hasnt been said already.

I almoat feel bi-polar with it. One minute im confident that we can get through this and then the reality sets in that we dont share those endless laughter moments in a relationship that I crave so much. We are just moving further and further apart in a painfully slow plaster pulling way...

lonelyguy

I think I should add as I dont want it confused that she is actually a very affectionate person. Just not intimately. I remembered today a few years back when it was birthday she said that after work I should look forward to an intimate treat.
it never transpired and I didnt want to raise it. Didnt think I should. Looking back I just saw it as a !!!!! tease. She never mentioned it since either.

dunno why I thought that was relevant... lol... just a lot of bad stuff in my head...

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

she said yesterday, what if she saw another man to get what she couldnt get from me.

Sorry op but :eek:

This is the worst of it for me. Your wife cant claim to love you more than anything, to be prepared to do anything to make things work in your marriage, and then say the above. No-one who holds dear what they share with their partner, would even jest about getting their needs met elsewhere. Especially when their relationship is in such a fragile state as yours is. It is beyond cruel to play such horrendous mind games with you. Small wonder that you feel completely desolate and lost right now. I am so sorry for all you are going through and think you have some very tough decisions to make. My advice is that you consider going somewhere where you will not be tormented emotionally, can fall back on lots of love and support and have time to think straight.

stripey1969

Sorry to hear you're still having such a hard time of it.

I've been in a similar situation to yours. I was with my previous partner for over fifteen years, and I always felt there was something missing. I never felt that he was "the one". He had loads of good qualities and in many, many ways we worked well together. But there was always that nagging doubt in the back of my mind.

Finally, I ended it. It was horrible for a while - he (understandably) took it badly, and as we owned a house together it was pretty messy. But as soon as he walked out the door for the last time, a weight came off me and I never looked back. I enjoyed single life for a year - being able to do what you want, when you want, is very liberating when you're used to being part of a couple! - and then I fell in love again.

It is SO different. Now I understand what people mean when they talk about soulmates, about knowing someone is 'the one'. We're partners in every way. He gives me so much support, he makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, understands me. We have adventures together, and work together to make our lives better.

I realise I sound rather evangelical. I suppose I would hate to meet myself in the alternate universe where I stuck with my old life. I'd want to shake her by the shoulders, tell her yes it's scary to make that change, but that she'll never regret it. I want to say the same thing to you. You could be so happy, so fulfilled, but it'll never happen unless you're prepared to let go of second best. You get what you settle for in life, and I don't think you should settle for this. You deserve more x

ruby-roo_2

If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always got.


I am going to be blunt. You come across as headed for a nervous breakdown OP. The relationship you are in is toxic. End it and feel all the better for it is my advice.

lonelyguy

Thanks marisco. The worst bit is when I think back to when she said it, I think that maybe thats what I deserve for not giving her what she needs. It genuinely upsets me to think about as I write this. You are right though. Throughout she has shown impatience and has told me repeatedly how she has a strong network around her to help her htrough this. Thats fine of course. I appreciate it is affecting her but she isnt giving any breathing room.

stripey - thanks for your post. I could do with some of your strength!

Ruby-roo - concise wise words indeed. Thanks.

lemonpopcorn

lonelyguy wrote: »

Hi all

we went out on friday for a day trip together. Things went badly and we argued and came back sooner than planned. Was a bad day for both of us. To be fair to her she tried to make up with me but I just didnt have it in me. I think my resentment and bitterness goes deeper than I first wanted to admit.

it sounds bad doesnt it? To have to say that during an argument I end up bringing so much past resentment with me. I can say with my hand on my heart that I honestly tried to let it go but I just cant.
You bring up past resentment because it hasn't been resolved, it hasn't been resolved as your wife is unwilling to resolve it as that would mean accepting her role in this.
She does not wish to do that, she wants you to brush over and forget her behaviour.

we talked yesterday. I told her that im not doing well.
she still wants me to see the doc as she reckons I am depressed.
She wants you to be diagnosed as depressed as she can then "blame" the depression for any issues you raise
It must be hard for her to live with me as im not showing any affection or that much in any way.
You are rightfully protecting your heart, you have learnt that she will trample on it to get her own needs met and ignore yours, by not engaging in affection you are not opening yourself up to being as disappointed.
I did say that it was only a couple of weeks ago I wanted to end it and she asked me to try again which I am doing. Only I am not doing so well.

she said yesterday, what if she saw another man to get what she couldnt get from me. I think she was trying to shock me. I said that if she wanted to have an affair, she could do the decent thing and end things with me first.
I don't think it was intended to shock, I believe it's another way of "highlighting" her view of you and it will undermine any confidence you had built up.

Obv other things were said and I just picked out the most pertinent comment.


Im tired of being depressed.
Been thinking about changing jobs etc... but I think it is all to do with my unhappiness in marriage.
You have hit the nail on the head

I have been in your position except I stuck it out for 19 yrs and three children, the way he treated me was replicated in the way he treated our daughter and I'm ashamed to say that I allowed it to continue.

It is only since we split (almost 9 months ago) that I was able to see how he had undermined my every thought, feeling and action.

He made my life hell and our kids too but somehow made us feel we were the ones making his life hell and holding him back.

Eventually I have been able to see how well he manipulated me into thinking I was clinically depressed and how the issues in our relationship were all my fault, when in reality I was living with a vile bully who would use any tactic to keep me feeling sorry for him and supporting him to the exclusion of my needs and sometimes others too.

Since we split I've never been happier and I wasn't depressed, it was a reaction to being with him.

Also I withdrew emotionally and protected my heart for a number of years prior to our split whilst pretending nothing had changed but I felt lonely, lost, guilty, down, sad, hopeless and as if this was my punishment for not being good enough.

I cannot tell you what to do, I can only say making the break was massively scary but I had a huge push (discovered 5 mistresses) and it was the best thing I ever did.

I am now in love with someone who loves me and it is how love should be.
Please PM me if you feel you need more info or support

dancingfairy

I don't think you should *just* walk away from a marriage but you've been unhappy for a long time and been trying to change things for 4 years.
Maybe it's not anybodys fault but it just isn't working. It's clearly not doing anything positive for you.
At what point do you give up and realise you'll not be happy together? At what point do you know that you have given everything to make this work but it's just not going to?
You sound like you believe it could work if your wife would take responsibility for her side of things but I haven't seen any indication she is willing to do that and if she hasn't done anything in the last 4 years what makes you think she will now?
I'd recommend counselling, not because I think you're depressed but to give you some breathing space and time to yourself and to get an outsiders point of view. Also it might help you sit back, assess things and decide on a way forward.
df

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

The worst bit is when I think back to when she said it, I think that maybe thats what I deserve for not giving her what she needs. It genuinely upsets me to think about as I write this.

Of course you feel deeply upset, but please do not be drawn into this way of thinking. You have done absolutely nothing that could ever justify your wife taunting you, about seeing if another man could give her what she needs, and suggesting that you are lacking. Think about this logically, you have gone above and beyond in an attempt to try and be a loving husband to her, and she has thrown it back in your face time and time again.

You have given examples through this thread of the effort you have put into trying to make your marriage work. Taking yourself off to counselling, when your wife raised an issue with you, to see if it could help. You spoke movingly of how good it made you feel to be able to show her that you cared enough to try to be better for her. You understand that marriage involves having a responsibility to each other. Vital elements of a relationship that many take for granted, such as enjoying passion and intimacy, laughter, fun, feeling valued and being shown respect, you have been reduced to longing for and craving.

Can you see now that it is not you, who has shown themselves to be incapable of giving what a partner needs, but your wife?

meritaten

hi lonelyguy.
I can only say what I see from your posts. and I see a lovely, sensitive man who believes in marriage and is willing to work at 'making it work'. I also see a marriage in deep trouble. one partner (YOU) will go the extra mile, seek help, do whatever it takes.
the other partner however, seems to think that they are perfect - pays lip service to being partly to blame and tries to manipulate you into seeking help for depression. pressurises you knowing that you need time, yet sets 'deadlines' because 'she cant stand not knowing'.
Hunny, you are not depressed - you are in a toxic situation.
I said before about a 'merry-go-round' - and you are back on it. now that's fine if that is where you want to be - but, you don't. you now feel so much resentment you are resisting putting your heart into this 'reconciliation'. so doesn't this say 'Enough'! 'it isn't working and I want to end this cycle of pain'?
because pain is what you feel and it comes through so strongly I could feel it!
try this - envisage life within your marriage in the next year, then five years, then ten years................can you see ANY hope for happiness for you?
If not, why waste those years?