marriage in trouble

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

Id made the decision last night and told her as much.

Good on you, you are worth far more than to settle for staying in a relationship, that is causing you so much pain and harm. Please believe that.

The kind of abuse that you have endured is enough to kill your spirit. When a person suffers as you have it cripples them, as their self esteem and sense of self worth begins to wither and die. You question if something is 'wrong' with you. You may begin to feel that you are not likeable or loveable. You feel ashamed - eaten up with repressed anger over feeling hurt, humiliated and isolated.

Well done and a huge pat on the back to you OP, for being strong and brave enough to put an end to all of that, and to say enough is enough.

sax11

Well done on your decision - i think it's the one you've been thining about for a while and was seeing if your wife accepted any responsibility

You will feel down for a bit but it does get a lot better and you will look back on a few good times but you will see all the bad and think 'why didnt i get out sooner'

Melonade

We'll done lonelyguy. You should be very proud of yourself after everything you've been through you deserve to get your life back on track. I know the next few weeks or months will be difficult for you but I truly believe everyone deserves happiness in their lives. Sometimes it doesn't work out first time round (not for lack of trying on your part).

I'm sure after you've had time it get over this you'll find someone you can be truly happy with.

tayforth

lonelyguy wrote: »

Hi all

went home last night.
we talked.
she talked first. She said that she still loved me and wanted to be with me. She said to remember all the good times we have had.
she then said that for her the only she could stay in this marriage was if I saw the doctor and then went to individual counselling for my issues. After that we could try couples counselling.

now I have gone to counselling before and I said that I saw no point going back. I confronted my issues and talked openly before and tried to bring what I learned to our marriage

she sees the whole issue of us not being able to make up after an argument. This is a big issue admittedly but not the only issue.
She still didnt see why I needed to talk so much and I reminded her that in the beginning I didnt talk on and on and on but after years of being ignored I felt I had to talk more in an effort to get understanding.

anyway, going off topic!

I replied after she had spoken and said that I understood everything ahe said but I couldnt move on with the relationship anymore. I said it wouldnt be fair to her to be with someone who carries so much negativity.

I think I called her bluff because after I said I wouldnt go to counselling on my own she changed her tune and tried to convince me to stay.

I kept strong and didnt back down but it got late and we didnt make a final decision.

I just kept saying that although I loved her I couldnt be the person o needed to be in the relationship anymore.

she was very nice last night to me. This was following on from a few days back where she was calling me a selfish bas*ard and self obsessed etc...

I'm so relieved for you, lonelyguy. I'm sure you're feeling relieved yourself, along with a mixture of other emotions.

How quickly she changed from demanding that you have counselling for your issues, to saying that she would do anything to save the marriage. This is classic manipulation and emotional abuse.

Well done on having the courage to stand up to her and tell her that you've reached the end of the line and cannot be with her any more. I promise, life will get better. You will look back in a month's time, a year's time, and be grateful that you gave yourself another chance to be happy.

Have you told your family? xx

ScrimpingandSaving wrote: »

Dear LonelyGuy

Your posts are full of pain and heartache. I can fully relate to that. When I was growing up my stepfather made my life hell. He would look at me as though I was something he had stood in. He would criticise me - on everything from the way I looked, to the way I spoke and even the way I ate food. He and my mother would comment on my appearance and tease me about my lack of boobs (I was a teenager) and my boyish hairstyle. Everything I did was wrong, everything I said was wrong.

In the end I felt low and depressed. I felt as though I was undeserving of love and must be a horrible person. It took me many years and some brilliant friends to get me to where I am today.

I now know that as emotional abuse and from what you have said, this is what you are experiencing.

Of course you are depressed. She has made you so. By her constant picking of you, your traits, your failings, she has made you sink to your lowest point and now she nicely wants you to go to the doctor as if the depression is the cause of all this. It's not, she is. It reminds me of my mother sending me to the GP about my weight loss - in fact it was because I was never allowed to make myself anything to eat and what food I did get were very small portions of bland, inedible food that I was told I should be grateful for.

I wish I could go back in time to my teenage self and give myself the balls to stand up to them and to leave. I wish I had run away from home whilst I had the chance, or had said something to somebody.

Now I am wishing I could do the same for you.

Your wife is abusive. She wants you to stay because she knows she can control you. By controlling you, she is making herself feel powerful. That's how my stepdad used to exert his power over me, by belittling me in front of others, by making fun of me. He effectively silenced me.

How your wife is might stem from an abusive childhood. But that's not your problem right now. I doubt very much that your wife will face up to her own issues. It will always be you to blame and never her.

I am very glad you don't have children with her.

Leave her. When you are stronger you can tell her why, but don't be surprised that, despite any new-found confidence, she makes you feel 2 years old whenever you meet up.

I think you will find that when you are free from this emotionally abusive woman, your confidence will come back and you'll be free from depression. I suggest you go to Relate by yourself, just to get counselling that will enable you to move on from this and not make the same mistake again whilst you are at a low ebb.

You deserve so much more than this. My husband used to say that it seemed to him, that all the girls went for the bad boys rather than the nice ones. Well he was wrong. You will find someone who will give you back the love you so openly give to others. Just give yourself time to heal. Phone a few friends, get back out there. I'll bet your friends and family will start telling you a few home truths about how they felt about her once you've left.

Good luck lonelyguy and I hope you can change your name soon

What a wonderful post.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, not just with lonelyguy, but with anyone who has been through (or is going through) emotional abuse. You suffered abuse at a particularly young and vulnerable age, at the hands of two people who were supposed to love and protect you. I can't imagine how that must feel. Hugs to you xx

lonelyguy

Hello everyone

I realise it has been a few days since I have been on here last.
things have moved in a few directions recently.

on sunday my oh came home and said she couldnt take it anymore and wanted to seperate. We talked and agreed to sell the house asap. I booked I a valuation for this saturday.

in the meantime we agreed to live amicably until the house was sold in seperate bedrooms.

on monday I arranged a valuation for this weekend and started to think of the practical things that we needed to do to get the house ready.
oh said she would start to pack up some things to make the house tidier etc.

move forwards to last night and she came home in a bad state. She was very upset and said that she felt she had been pushed in to making that decision based on the past few weeks and she loved me and didnt want to lose me.

I did try to seem compassionate which of course I was as she was upset.
on the other hand I did also point out that she had been backing me in to a corner for weeks to make a decision so my emapthy was only so high.

we slept in seperate rooms last night. This morning she came in for a hug and said again that she loved me and didnt want it to end.
she said she would whatever it takes. I pointed out I had heard that before.

We decided we would try to live amicably until the house was sold but it may be too much to be under one roof. It may be bettter if I moved out if she is finding it hard me being around all the time.

god, she is being so nice. I would love to believe that things could be better but im way too cynical for that.

she says she wishes I could let go of all my negativity but I know it will be a long healing process for me personally.

im still in the mindset of seperation. That is how I am moving forwards as I can not be the person she needs me to be.

Mojisola

lonelyguy wrote: »

on sunday my oh came home and said she couldnt take it anymore and wanted to seperate. We talked and agreed to sell the house asap. I booked I a valuation for this saturday.

We decided we would try to live amicably until the house was sold but it may be too much to be under one roof. It may be bettter if I moved out if she is finding it hard me being around all the time.

Why can't she move out?

That is how I am moving forwards as I can not be the person she needs me to be.

And she's not good for you!

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

I would love to believe that things could be better but im way too cynical for that.

That is how I am moving forwards as I can not be the person she needs me to be.

Isn't it more the case that life experience has actually made you wise enough to not believe any more that things could be better with your wife. It doesn't come down to being cynical. How lovely that despite all you have suffered and endured, you still have the strength to value yourself, and to want to seek a much happier and more fulfilling future. Good on you.

In regards to moving forwards. Isn't this happening because your wife cannot appreciate and respect, all the wonderful qualities and commitment, that you bring to your marriage. It is such a shame that she cannot see that what she needs most, has been there all the time for her, but been overlooked and not valued.

Living under the same roof whilst separating can be extremely difficult and painful. I hope you have the love and support of your family and supportive friends to help you through this time.

tayforth

She's being nice because she realises that she's lost her power over you. Then, on the other hand, she's putting you down and saying that you're negative.

You'll be amazed how quickly your 'negativity' will disappear once you no longer have to live with her.

Speaking of which, do you think that the house will sell quickly? Would one or other of you be able to move out in the meantime?

I'm very proud of you, and I'm sure all your other supporters on this thread are too. :A

sax11

tayforth wrote: »

She's being nice because she realises that she's lost her power over you.

You'll be amazed how quickly your 'negativity' will disappear once you no longer have to live with her.

Agree 100% with those 2 comments.

She was hoping that you would back down, say it was probably your fault, to which you would agree and the cycle would continue. Now she's realised she isn't going to win she's making out that she can't live with you amicably, again trying to make it your fault.

Glad you've taken (what most on here think) are the right steps

okborednow

Haven't posted on this thread for a while as I didn't feel I had much to add to what others have said but now I have to say Well Done lonelyguy! I know this was a tough decision but it is the right one and you can finally begin rebuilding your life and finding someone who makes you happy. It still can't be easy for you though so a big hug from me. Please pop back for support whenever you need and to give us the odd update about how it's going for you. Take care