marriage in trouble

okborednow

Well I think based on her behaviour it's pretty clear she has no intention of changing. I love my fiance with all my heart and I'd be prepared to do anything he asked me to if he wasn't happy even if he wasn't planning on leaving. If she's more hung up on being allowed to behave the way that she wants than having an open honest discussion then really what more is there to say? I'm sorry if that's harsh but it's the way I see it.

FBaby

As you already know I take the devils' advocate position hope you don't mind as this is only to help in maybe seeing the other perspective. The way I'm seeing it the problem is that you both have controlling issues just go about it in very different ways her by bullying and pressuring you, you by analysing her feelings and coming to conclusions about how she feels which might not be accurate.
She seems to be much more action focus whereas you are more focused in trying to understand reasons for your problems frustrating each other because you are judging each other's approach. Neither is right or wrong and both are used as counselling methods. You need time to think she needs to know where she stands so she can take actions appropriately. Again neither is wrong just different.

I think both is you believe you are a good listener to the other bur both seems to listen and then teach conclusions bared on your own way of dealing with the issue hence why toy struggle to understand each other. I think counselling could help both of you learning to put each other in the others shoes and see your situation from their perspective. This is the only way you can start to get back the respect and trust you one have for each other and start focusing on compromises. The feeling I get is that at the moment your ate both fixated in thinking your analysis of the situation and how you should deal with it is the right way and the other one wrong hence why toy for nowhere forward lady time and probably won't this time either if yoy don't sort this out from the start.

kelpie35

So sorry to hear that you are no further on with trying your hardest to amend all the problem you have.

After reading your latest post it seems that your wife is determined to continue to control you.

It is only you that can decide if that is the route you are willing to take.

You have given her numerous chances to understand how she is making you feel and from what you have said that is not working.

I hope that during this week's holiday you can work out, in your mind, what route you wish to take.

It is not an easy decision you have to make but you need to keep at the front of your mind that you have tried your hardest to be the best husband you can be. You are a very kind, caring and understanding person and don't deserve to be so sad.

All the best for the future.

suze200

Dear Lonely Guy

After reading some your thread I have felt compelled to post. For many years I had suffered many similar experiences to you with my husband. He was very controlling and abusive for over 24 years but i didn't see that or call it that until I contacted Womens Aid and was helped by them. He never was never ever physically violent.

We had come to the brink of separating many times and he always manged to persuade me and be "nice", sometimes for quite long periods of time. This in itself is an abusive tactic.

It wasn't until he started to treat the same way our 13 year old daughter that I contacted Women's Aid.

To cut a long story short I did a course with them called the Freedom program and from that became aware of all the various tactics used by abusers to expert power and control. The "intimacy" issues you have with your wife fit with sexual control. This shocked me so much as I believed that sexual control was just about forcing someone against their will, but no, withdrawal and only allowing sex only on the abusers terms is just as much sexual control as forcing.

These extracts are from the course book but so much more is discussed on the course

THE SEXUAL CONTROLLER
• Rapes you.
• Won’t accept no for an answer
• Keeps you pregnant (obviously this doesn't apply to you)
OR
• Rejects your advances

There is a male equivalent to Women's Aid. You could call them and discuss what has been happening in your marriage. It might help you gain clarity

http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php.html

SternMusik

I'm sorry to say this but it seems like your wife isn't really willing to change her behaviour at all. She is just making noises to placate you (i.e. possibly willing to go to counselling).

It seems to me that you need to be quite firm and take back some control of the situation. Think about what you need from your wife to give the relationship another go, and by when you need that. E.g. by the end of the week you need a firm commitment from her to go to counselling (open to anything and everything being discussed). If she doesn't agree to that you'll call it a day.

If she does agree to it, you could think about setting a time frame during which you want to see a marked improvement in your relationship. E.g. six months. There is a danger of this dragging on for years and years, with more temporary splits and reconciliations.

Good luck lonelyguy, I hope it all works out well for you in the end.

CH27

Your wife is still trying to bully & control you. Everything has to be her way with zero consideration of your feelings.

lonelyguy

All good responses thank you.
I have told in no uncertain terms that if we go to counselling then it would have to be on the basis that we can both say whatever we need to each other in a safe and constructive environment. Otherwise I do not think it will work between us. She agrees that if we do not do counselling then it will not work.
She has not given me an answer yet but I said if she needs timecto think it over thats fine.
I have cancelled our trip this week. Was only to the family caravan which cost about 100 pounds so not big in the grand scheme.

she asked what we would do this week instead and I suggested that we could split the week between spending time with each other and seeing friends/family etc where needed.

At least by not being away we are not exposed to not being around people if we need them

she has gone for a sleep for a bit so ill wait to see what she says.

if we do go out then I think a day trip to london or the beach etc... could work

Not sure how it will work out but I have put my foot down on the counselling and I will wait to see how serious she is about it. I know she finds if difficult to discuss intimate issues to a stranger but she will need to overcome this. I have reassured her that I know it is not easy for her but it is a must.

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

when I said this she said that she wasnt sure about going to counselling as she didnt just want to hear me go on an on.

Throughout this thread I have felt increasingly disturbed and saddened by the way your wife chooses to speak to you. The above is so disrespectful, and shows a blatant disregard for how you are feeling and why the state of your marriage is so fragile. In all honesty to remain in an environment where you are subjected to this kind of treatment will be really detrimental to you on so many levels.

The aim of participating in relationship counselling, is for a couple to be enabled to openly express all of their thoughts and feelings to one another, guided by a trained neutral third party. Each person needs to be prepared to fully listen to their partners point of view, take it on board without becoming defensive and then work through each issue together. They also each need to feel completely uninhibited about getting issues and upsets out into the open. Without this approach counselling is highly unlikely to be worthwhile or effective.

lonelyguy

She has it in her head that I go and on about issues but the only reason I have had to try to talk so much is because whenever I try to talk to her she gets so defensive. I dont attack her when I talk, just try to talk about how im feeling.
I wish she would see that sometimes it has taken me an hour to get one sentence out becuase she interrupts and feels defensive.

when the roles are reversed I have always listened to her and told her I understand.

I feel strong today. I feel happy knowing that if she doesnt agree to counselling then I can hold my head high knowing that I tried all I could.

tayforth

lonelyguy wrote: »

Hi all
just wanted to check in and give an update.

thanks for your messages of support. They really have helped me to stay strong these last few days.

yesterday was a hard day.

we ended up talking again last night. I was still being pressured I to giving an answer.
I feel I should add a bit more history. Last year when ww seperated, we agreed to have a couple of weeks apart for me to figure out my feelings.
we actually agreed this with her parents.
the same night of the agreement she came round and demanded an answer yes or no. I said I needed time but she wanted an answer.
I said my answer had to be no then as I could not commit to a yes when I didnt know how I felt.
I was heartbroken and for the next six months lived at my brothers with no contact with her.
we reconciled after 6 months and decided to give things a go.

Now I can understand why she feels the way she does because this is happening again, largely due to the same issues.
She is afraid of being left hanging on again.
I totally get all this even though I still feel like if she gave me the time I needed last year we may not be in this place now.

skip to last night.
she wanted a decision as she said she could no longer cope.
one of her suggestions was counselling.

I said that I would be up for counselling in order that we could try to work through our problems and see if we both think we could be happy.
you can use counselling for this right?

She said that if we went she would want to focus on us being able to make up better after an argument - techniques, methods etc...

I said okay but in order to do that we would still need to explore the reasons why it is difficult as im sure we both have issues.

when I said this she said that she wasnt sure about going to counselling as she didnt just want to hear me go on an on.
I explained it would be structured so it would not be one sided. All the same she didnt sound keen.

So that was a bit of a u-turn and made me feel a little bit more unloved to be honest.

she kept wanting to know if I wanted to be with her. She needed to hear the words.
I said that I still loved her and if we could work out our differences with counselling then I would give things another go.

but this wasnt enough.

She then asked me about my feelings, about how I feel now and what I would feel about either outcome if were to split or stay together. It started to feel like she was counselling me! I had a long list of feelings that I am feeling at the moment.
she suggested that I go to the doctor to see if I am clinically depressed and that I should find someone elsw to talk to when all these feelings come up as she couldnt take it all.

that kind of deflated me but then I thought maybe I do have the problem. Maybe I am depressed? But I think my depression comes from issues in the relationship.

anyway, by the end of the night she said she couldnt cope anymore. She hated coming home while I was like this and she didnt know if she could carry on but no definite answer either way. She said she was now in the same place I was :-(

So in conclusion, was my approach to counselling wrong? I feel like the reason she know doesnt want to go is becuase she doesnt want to confront the issues I may have with her behaviour. Im very haopy to talk about my failings as we al have them but if she is not then I dont think it will work

I cant say for sure that I still want to be with her but I hoped that the fact I hadnt packed my bags and that she had talked me down from leaving last week would show her there are still some feelings there. So her now not wanting to go to counselling puts me in a hard spot.

I feel like saying, you wanted an answer and I gave you one. Its not everything you wanted but I was open to working on our relationship.
so the option is that we either go to counselling to see if we can reconcile or its over.

Am I being reasonable?

Last night when she was really upset I did go upstairs and give her a hug

im really trying but I just dont think she wants to do counselling unless she knows 100% that I still want to be with her.

I could have written most of this post.

She is still trying to control you.

My ex didn't want to go to counselling unless I acknowledged my faults - he wasn't prepared to talk about his. It was only when I ended it that he pleaded with me to go to counselling - but by then it was too late.

My ex suggested that I might be depressed, and I too wondered whether I was. Like you, I was only miserable about my marriage - but I didn't realise it until later. When you're in such a stifling, horrid situation, you can't think properly. Now that I'm free, I'm happy as larry!!!

(((((Hugs)))))