marriage in trouble

themull1

I'm onto my third marriage, and finally i realise what i have been missing, its my husbands third marriage as well, third time lucky for us both. When i left my first husband in 1997 after six years, it was the hardest thing i'd ever done, but the best thing. I would tell het its over, and if you don't want to stay in the house, put it up for sale, and then if you can move in with family for a little while until you feel better.

You sound like a lovely person, and you will find your soulmate too, someone that you will love with all your heart and will love and respect you back. Please, please don't stay with someone that you feel obliged to stay with, or feel guilty about.

You only live once, and you have to put yourself first. Its honestly like being 18 again when you find the love of your life.!

FBaby

Playing devil's advocate, I can also comprehend how terrible it must be for her too. She had said that she loves you and wants to make work, however, you can't tell her whether you are even prepared to give it a try. It must be horrible to be left waiting to see if there is something to salvage or not.

I can see both sides and understand that both of you must be in a terrible state. You can't give her an answer not knowing, but she can't keep on praying for something that might be taken away from her any seconds.

I think it would be fair for both of you to stay away from each other and agree a time to talk again and decide, and then stick to that decision.

lonelyguy

Fbaby, this happened last year. When we seperated before we agreed on two weeks but she came round to my families that night saying she needed an answer there and then. It put me in a horrible position.

I understand your other perspective on things and thanks for being honest enough to say. I do think about it from that perspective but I honestly couldnt give an answer. If she needs one now then my answer would be to go our own way as the way I feel now means I couldnt give anything to the relationship.

CH27

Actions speak louder than words.
She may say she loves you but her behaviour say otherwise.

FBaby

lonelyguy wrote: »

I do think about it from that perspective but I honestly couldnt give an answer. If she needs one now then my answer would be to go our own way as the way I feel now means I couldnt give anything to the relationship.

You don't have to give her an answer now and you can make that clear, what I think you owe her though is to give her a deadline by which you will. That will be when you think it is realistic you might reached a decision against the fact that it wouldn't be fair to keep her hanging forever (which by that time, you could have reached the decision to give it a try and she will have given up). I personally think that a week is quite reasonable, but of course, your decision should be what you think is reasonable.

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

Maybe I should just text her that its over.

If you were totally sure about ending your marriage there would be no saying 'maybe'. You come across as a deep thinker who likes to be completely sure in his mind, having considered a situation from every possible angle, before making any decisions. Lets say you sent that text now, how would you feel immediately afterward? Would there be sadness accompanied by a sense of relief that you had definitely made the right move. Or would you be left agonising over whether you had been rushed into giving an answer, to a huge life changing choice, that you did not feel 100% secure about? Do this as and when you are ready, and don't give in to demands or pressure to suit someone else.

savingmummy

Nothing is your fault - We would be honest if we felt you had any blame for this!
You`ve tried so hard, and sound genuine and FAR too patient!!!
I know for 100% my DH would of kicked me to the kerb months ago, his not a patient man and certainly wouldn't be controlled like you have been.

ruby-roo_2

Mulling over all that has gone on and concentrating on the present is enough to send you doo-lally tap no doubt. So just for a moment why not think about the future. The one that you really want for yourself. What is it that you hope for, your dreams and aspirations? I am not expecting you to give answers on here by the way, just suggesting you consider all this. My point is do you see yourself able to aim for all of these things with your wife? Can you two ever be a really strong team, working with each other to achieve common goals and ambitions? The answer to this may give you some well needed perspective on what you do next. Take your time, you have a lot to consider and think about.

skattykatty

Two people are responsible for a marriage. You don't say whether or not she has shared her feelings with you. There is no blame here, though it seems like your wife is somehow making this your fault, your decision, as if she isn't really part of the whole deal. Calling you a 'coward' for not instantly deciding is very aggressive and belittling, exactly as you have described her attitude in previous posts. It's like she has some 'idea' of what a man/husband should be like and you don't live up to it. It's not real. Not flesh and blood-which you are. Lean on your family and give some time for your decision to come to the surface and know, either way, it will be tough.

meritaten

I think I know why she gave you the time ultimatum. It worked before didn't it? she pressured you into giving a second chance. you gave in to her demands. went back and she reverted to type.
I don't know how to say this without causing you pain, but, I think I have to.
She likes her life as a married woman, things tick along nicely as long as you 'yes dear'/'no dear' her. she likes to be in charge and she likes to be the dominant one. in fact, it isn't even you as a person - she could be married to 'anyone'. as long as she is the 'boss'. it isn't YOU - she would be like this in any relationship. but, you aren't playing her game - you are asserting your indepence and she hates that. she knows from experience she can guilt trip you. she knows she can 'sweet talk' you. she knows she can 'pressure you'.
as I said before - do you really want to ride this 'merry-go-round'? or say 'Stop the music I want to get off'?
because I foresee just more of the same in your future together because she isn't going to change - she expects YOU to do that.