marriage in trouble

claire21

I really think you have your answer now by her actions

"You have put her out regarding what she tells her family"

You have just been intimate with her, she might as well have slapped you round the face when you had finished...it would have hurt less.

Go back and read your first post, you broke up before and tried again to see if you could both fix things, you haven't.

You can't even remember really why you loved her and married her....in most marriages I would say you love your partner more now than when you married them as you have both "grown together".

She's obviously doing overtime in her mind...she will have to tell friends and family, she will probably loose the house as you will both need to sell it, work will know......all things that affect her....there seems to be no thinking of if I love this man what do I have to do to fight to keep him, make him show I can change, I've treated my marriage badly. You have given her a wake up call as to how bad things are and she hasn't taken any notice.

I feel sorry for your marriage but at least their are no children involved , I would love to say try again and see where things are in six months but I really think that you may be having to go through all the pain again in six months.

You must be very scared too but I can tell you once it's done you can see the light and grow to be the person that you are.

SMARTBLONDE

I feel for you! By all means try counselling/writing etc, but I would also advise that you start to stand up for yourself.Do your share & if she is unjustly critical or says hurtful things to you.ask her to stop & tell her she is causing you distress.If she continues,disengage,walk away or leave.Wait for an apology or a kindly approach before you engage with her.
If I were you I would start to build a seperate life,I'm not suggesting infidelity,but perphaps a new hobby, spending more time with friends/family, anyone who improves your self esteem.It will make you happier & may worry her to the extent she will amend her bullying behaviour.
Regrettably some people will treat you badly, if you allow them to. Only you can stop this.You should have a zero policy re bullying & disengage every time she starts.
Good luck!

keith969

lonelyguy wrote: »

Hi everyone
Needed to post to let out my feelings.

When I read this, I thought immediately that's someone who is going thru the same crap as I did 5 years ago!

I have to say, you need to get away from this woman asap as its not doing your confidence anything and is probably making you very depressed. I had the same, continual put-downs and being made to feel embarrassed when with friends by her comments. Fortunately she left for a guy 10 years younger (and that relationship did not last very long). I sold the house - she got half share of everything - and bought a place for my son and I - became a single parent and never looked back.

Fortunately I met someone nice on an internet dating site later and for the first time in many years feel loved!

So my advice is get out NOW, and start rebuilding your life. It will not happen overnight but it will happen, and the longer you remain the more difficult it gets. Go for it.

FBaby

Some time ago, a colleague told me that I had really upset them by the way I expressed my anger towards him. I was really surprised as at no time I was angry with him. What I had done was expressed my frustration about a situation which he was part of, but whereas I saw that interaction as me sharing my frustration about the situation with him, he took it as me expressing my anger towards him. I admitted later as we spoke about it that we were probably both in the wrong. I should have toned down the way I let it all out and he shouldn't have assumed right away that it was personal.

I'm wondering is there is a similar type of misunderstanding between your partner and you, that for instance, when you picked up that she was frustrated with you for not going with her, she might actually felt only a bit annoyed, but not angry, however, it came out more virulantly than she felt, and you, who maybe tend to express your emotions with less animation, took it that she was feeling as you interpreted her response.

I'm not sure I'm very clear, but what strikes me in your posts is that someone who seems so exasperated, frustrated and annoyed with you could love you so much and be desperate to save your relationship. Hence leading me to believe that there is an issue with how she expresses her feelings, which might come out over the top, and the way you interpret the way she expresses yourself.

Maybe a counselling session could focus on this?

lonelyguy

I think thats it .it's over. :-(

She just came down to speak to me and was saying she needed to know if I wanted to still be with her. I said I didnt know. She said she couldnt wait any longer as it was too much.
I said 36 hours wasnt that long when im trying to decide on my marriage.
She asked how long. I said I didnt know.
I said she was putting me under a lot of pressure.

she has then since called me a coward for not being able to make my mind up :-(

she said since I couldnt make my mind up we may as well go with my decision to end it. I said okay.

She has said next week when I am off I can get the house ready to sell.

:-( :-( :-(

lonelyguy

I keep thinking that this is all my fault :-( :-( :-(

nmlc

Hi

lonelguy - don't think it's your fault - it sounds like you've been pushed into a corner, then blamed for your decision.

Having read your thread, it sounds like there's loads of issues, and most of them are not yours, as lots of people have said, do what is right for you.

Pm me if you need to, take it steady

nmlc x

claire21

Phone your mum and go and have tea at hers, get people who love you around you.

Just get yourself some space.

sportbeth

lonelyguy wrote: »

I think thats it .it's over. :-(

She just came down to speak to me and was saying she needed to know if I wanted to still be with her. I said I didnt know. She said she couldnt wait any longer as it was too much.
I said 36 hours wasnt that long when im trying to decide on my marriage.
She asked how long. I said I didnt know.
I said she was putting me under a lot of pressure.

she has then since called me a coward for not being able to make my mind up :-(

she said since I couldnt make my mind up we may as well go with my decision to end it. I said okay.

She has said next week when I am off I can get the house ready to sell.

:-( :-( :-(

First of all, big hugs, I've been in your shoes and it's tough, but you will get to the other side, just like me and Tayforth and many others.

What she has just said to you is total emotional blackmail and a classic bullying tactic. She's backing you into a corner and expecting you to back down in it. I would expect this is one of a number of shock tactics she will throw in your direction. I had several curve balls like this when I was in your boat.

Please get out of the house, go and spend time at your parents or best mate or whoever you can to get away from siting in the house mulling it's over.you'd be surprised how much it can lift your spirits and give you a fresh perspective.

And if this was the last thing she said to you, don't tell her where you are going or when you will be back. She will be expecting the opposite reaction which just shows how much you are being bullied by this lady.

Melonade

lonelyguy wrote: »

I keep thinking that this is all my fault :-( :-( :-(

It's absolutely not your fault, I know it must be difficult but try not to think like that. All you asked for was time. Come on, anyone in your position deserves that. I think your wife has tried to force you into making a quick decision so she can revert back to her old ways as quickly as possible.

I agree with claire21, try and get to see your family as soon as you can. I think you'll need some support from your mum in the next few weeks.

Wishing you all the best.