marriage in trouble

nell36

Really interesting thread and I agree the OP does sound like a very kind and thoughtful person.


My only comment would be this......if a woman had been posting as the OP and not a man how different the responses would be. I guess more along the lines of leave him, he is controlling and bullying you, undermining you and affecting your mental health as a result. So my response to the OP is just that......just because you are a man does not make all of the above disappear, it just means you had the courage to say it how it is. Good luck and I sincerely hope that you find someone who appreciates you for the person you are.

Melonade

claire21 wrote: »

I'd tell her to change the holiday and for her to go with a friend whilst you stay at home to think about things. Then see what she says, does she try and make you go with her..again her being the controlling party, agrees to go with a friend and read from that what you will, or says you should both just cancel and stay at home trying to work your way through things together.

This is a great idea. Although I'd be insisting that she goes with a friend or family member. If she doesn't want to then maybe you could go alone? But from your previous posts I'm under the impression you'd be happier at home than away somewhere.

My point is I think you could do with some time away from each other so you can have a think about your future. While your wife is there she seems to be in control of the time scale and seems to be telling you things she thinks you want to hear.

lonelyguy

She keeps telling me she just needs to know one way or another.
its putting me under so much pressure.
I just did something very silly which was that she wanted to be intimate and I went along with it although not very enthusiatically. I feel like an idiot for doing that. Giving her what she wanted.

I never thought about my limbo before. I have been in limbo with respect to intimacy for years and she cant even give me 36 hours! Makes me upset when I think of things like that.

she just wants to know so that she can make plans and she has said its her holiday too and she deserves it. I remind her its mine too and I dont want to feel this way on a week off either.

Ill post more in a bit. Just need to get my thoughts together.

thanks all :-(

claire21

Tell her you took more time choosing what broadband option you went for, where to go on holiday, what to buy for Xmas , surely she can understand you need more time to decide about your marriage.

Ps did see leave a £10 on the bed for you for your services.

Melonade

Your happiness is worth more than a quick yes or no. Being put under pressure and listening to how selfish she's being about a holiday vs a relationship... Seriously I'm amazed your still having to think about it!!

She's being unfair and completely unreasonable. But that goes with exactly what you've already said about your relationship so far.

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

I feel stressed out by the pressure of having to find clarity when I feel so lost.

Sometimes a negative life experience can cause the wide range of your feelings to be limited to only a few feelings like sadness, or anger or no feelings at all. When a person ends up emotionally overwhelmed by a situation, and doesn’t know how to respond, they may shut down and feelings of numbness can arise. It is very frightening to feel this way and you can begin to think you will never have feelings again. Usually you don’t even know how to start to get your feelings back or how to figure out exactly what you are feeling.

That you seem to have reached this stage, suggests to me that you need time and space away, from what is causing you such awful pain and confusion. Your life has been in limbo for months, and you now have every right to take as much time as you need, to decide how to proceed with your marriage. If your wife loves and cares for you as much as she claims to, she will respect this and not put pressure on you to rush into any decisions right now.

Can you stay at your mums or with your brother? Could you talk things through with them or any close friends you have? Contact your gp and look into being referred for counselling as soon as possible, whether that be solely for yourself or as a couple. If it continues to help then please keep coming back on here and benefit from all the support people are willing to give you. You will be okay again it is just going to take a lot of time and for you to receive love and patience from those around you. I am so sorry for all you are going through.

lonelyguy

I just suggested she goes out to see her family which she said she needed to do today anyway. I said I could do with some time on my own.
She asked me what she should say about me not coming. I could sense her getting annoyed.
Before i could say anything she started to get angry at me and just walked out the room.

I think thats it. That's as long as she is willing to wait.

This is exactly the kind of outburst I find upsetting and hurtful.

it was only an hour ago she said she understood that it may take some time for me to feel better.

Hanging_by_a_thread

lonelyguy wrote: »

she just wants to know so that she can make plans

Make plans to do what? Become the loving, equal partner you need her to be, who shows care and consideration and values you. Or more likely to be able to get on with her life as it was, before you raised all this with her, expecting you to just be around and fit in when it suits her again.

36 little hours on from her telling you that you meant more than anything to her, and that she would do anything to make things better, and she has already reverted back to type and is treating you like !!!!!! again. By expecting an almost instant decision from you over something so huge and important in your life, she is clearly indicating how little she understands or cares, about what she has done to you or how it has all affected you.

She will never change and if you stay with her this is how your life will always be OP!

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

I just suggested she goes out to see her family which she said she needed to do today anyway. I said I could do with some time on my own.
She asked me what she should say about me not coming. I could sense her getting annoyed.
Before i could say anything she started to get angry at me and just walked out the room.

I think thats it. That's as long as she is willing to wait.

This is exactly the kind of outburst I find upsetting and hurtful.

it was only an hour ago she said she understood that it may take some time for me to feel better.

In all of your wife's words, actions and reactions to you, she is proving that yourself and the marriage she shares with you are not her priority, and that she has little to no intention of changing or making life better.

kelpie35

lonelyguy wrote: »

I just suggested she goes out to see her family which she said she needed to do today anyway. I said I could do with some time on my own.
She asked me what she should say about me not coming. I could sense her getting annoyed.
Before i could say anything she started to get angry at me and just walked out the room.

I think that says how much she is trying to control you.

I think thats it. That's as long as she is willing to wait.

This is exactly the kind of outburst I find upsetting and hurtful.

She is showing no respect for your feelings.

it was only an hour ago she said she understood that it may take some time for me to feel better.

I really think you need to find some space for your own peace of mind.