marriage in trouble

lonelyguy

Marisco, yes behind closed doors. Socially she is not like this to others.

TBagpuss

ou said that she made promises, and that she has said she wants to stay married. I agree that setting 'rules' is unlikely to be helpful, but I do think that if ou feel able to give things another go, then step one would be for the two of you to go to counselling together, so that you can discuss the problems with the marriage and how her behaviour affects you (and vice versa) - it isn't enough for her to be 'thinking about it' unless she is also willing and able to do soething about it. It isn't easy, so it does depend a lot on whether you feel hat you are willing to work with her to try to rebuild your marriage into something which you are both happy with.

From what you have posted, she comes across as being very defensive - that she isn't really accepting your concerns (It sounds like what you might call the 'yes, But..' model - ('Yes, I agree that there are problems (but it's not my fault / but it's because you do..., ) I have found (In a different context, but it may be valid in your case too) that this is often a sign that the other person does not really accept that there is an issue, or that they are minimising their role on the problem or responsibility for resolving it.

If you are willing to keep trying, then insisting on joint counselling may be the way forward - and if she is not prepared to try, then you can form your own judgment as to whether she is seriously committed to making any changes.

lonelyguy

The 'yes, but' has long been an issue.
I cant remember the amount of times I have picked up on that. Its amazing how a sincere apology can rapidly losing its meaning when its followed by 'but' in some instances...

tayforth

marisco wrote: »

Forgive me OP if I have this wrong, but I dont get the impression that putting rules in place would be all that effective, on a long term basis. A far better way forward would be to reach agreement, on seeking very necessary and well overdue professional help. If the same behaviour patterns resume again then your relationship is doomed. Your wife needs to look into anger management and you could both benefit from getting relationship counselling.

May I ask if your wife has ever told you in the day to day of life, that she loves you more than anything and would do anything to make things better? Or is this only ever said to you when she realises she has pushed you to the brink of walking away? I am hoping very much it isn't the latter. If that is so then a cynic could suggest it is a rather manipulative way of keeping you where she wants you, by saying what she knows you are desperate to hear and feel. Abuse is about power and control. Try taking that away from someone and suddenly they turn the tables and allow you a glimpse of what you crave most. It is all part of the abuse they choose to inflict on you.

I couldn't agree more. It sounds very much like manipulation. My ex was absolutely horrid to me, but every time I was on the brink of walking away, he charmed his way out of it by being so nice that I actually felt guilty for thinking badly of him!

It took me a long time to recognise this; in fact, I had to have it pointed out to me by the Samaritans and a few wise, kind people on here.

lonelyguy wrote: »

I suggested that my wife may have an anger issue before but she said she was passionate, not angry. I disagreed but she has never shown me that she has thought about it since. Nor on any of the issues that I have ever raised has she ever sat me down and said 'ive been thinking about what you said' or 'I decided to do some reading' or 'I have spoken to a friend' etc...
if she raised an issue with me I guess I am the type of person who wants to understand and diagnose it...

What she said is total and utter nonsense.

tayforth

marisco wrote: »

Does all this go on behind closed doors? How does your wife treat and interact with other people? Is she friendly, approachable, calm, caring, open, forthcoming, communicative, affectionate, generous, able to show interest in friends, family, acquaintances? I've noticed that you mention she is out and about regularly with her friends. So it is fair to assume she can make and maintain positive relationships when she wants to. Are you the only one who sees this other side to her?

lonelyguy wrote: »

Marisco, yes behind closed doors. Socially she is not like this to others.

My ex was exactly the same. A street angel and a house devil, as my gran used to say.

Kayalana99

lonelyguy wrote: »

I was proud of her qualities and wanted others to know as muxh as myself. I always thought this was quite flattering from her perspective.

I don't know if this makes sense but I always thought it was important to find someone who loves you like you love them ~ people can show love and affection in different ways ~ and I find if these don't match up people are left wondering if it's the right person for them.

lonelyguy

tayforth wrote: »

I couldn't agree more. It sounds very much like manipulation. My ex was absolutely horrid to me, but every time I was on the brink of walking away, he charmed his way out of it by being so nice that I actually felt guilty for thinking badly of him!

It took me a long time to recognise this; in fact, I had to have it pointed out to me by the Samaritans and a few wise, kind people on here.





What she said is total and utter nonsense.

I feel like I could have almost written this.
Last night I was feeling guilty for thinking bad of her.

tayforth

lonelyguy wrote: »

I feel like I could have almost written this.
Last night I was feeling guilty for thinking bad of her.

I'm sure this will be very familiar to a lot of posters on here too.

Idiophreak

lonelyguy wrote: »

I feel like I could have almost written this.
Last night I was feeling guilty for thinking bad of her.

Of course you're going to feel guilty.

I doubt she's actually a completely bad person - otherwise you wouldn't have married her in the first place, right?

And she is going to be hurt by this...even if the reason it hurts her aren't the best, she will suffer...

So you are going to feel guilty that these discussions and any possible separation will upset her. And you still love her, so it's going to hurt you to upset her...but you just need to keep breathing and keep thinking about the bigger picture.

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

For those who say 'welcome to marriage', this is nor marriage, this is living on a prayer that the person you love feels the passion and intimacy that existed so much before we got married but disappeared without trace or explanation for over four years.
it drives a wedge, believe me.

Withholding affection, intimacy and intercourse from a person attacks their feelings of self worth. To refuse any sexual advances, suggests your wife needs to be in control of sex, when, where and how it takes place. All this achieves is to send a not so subtle message to you that your sexual needs, desires and preferences are of no importance or value. You are right that this is not the normal way of things in a happy and healthy marriage.