marriage in trouble

tayforth

I echo what savingmummy has said. You do come across as a lovely person and I sincerely hope that you will find the happiness you deserve.

How long will the holiday be? Apologies if you've mentioned it and I've missed it.

FBaby

You come across as still at the stage of not being totally sure that you couldn't make it work IF she was prepared to make serious changes in her behaviour (as well as yourself as required).

In the end, what the worse that can happen if you give it one more go? That either you look back happily and thank your lucky star that you did because you saved a good marriage, or feel even stronger and confident that going is the right thing? What you lose is time, but I expect it wouldn't take as long this time to realise which direction it is taking.

In the end, it often comes down to energy? Do you have more energy left to give it one more go, or more energy to consider ending it for good. One day soon, it will become obvious one way or the other.

lonelyguy

Good morning all.
so got home last night and my oh was acting very nice and happy and caring towards me.
I know she meant this sincerely.
I told her I was still not okay.
she tried to kiss me a couple of times but it didnt feel right. There was nothing in me to get over that feeling. I said that right now I didnt feel I could do that. She showed understanding.
we watched a film and afterwards tried to talk some more.
she suggested we go to counselling together to try to find a way through it. It put me on edge because if we went I know I would pour my heart out and im not sure that she could take everything I have to say.
at the end of the night she told me that she couldnt be in limbo for long. Its only been just over a day since I told her its over and she wanted to still try.
she wants to know either way ie. Do we try or is it over.

the thing is, I feel totally numb to everything. Im really trying to come to aan answer but I just cant find one.
if I leave it too long I know that she will start to get upset.
I guess its not fair to her to be left like that but something keeps saying 'but its only been 24 hours'.
Ive woken up this morning feeling no clearer in mind.

we are supposed to on holiday on monday and I did recognise that its not fair to take her away when I may not be able to give anything.

I feel stressed out by the pressure of having to find clarity when I feel so lost.

Like fbaby said, we could give it one more go yet at the moment I cant move on enough.

I dont want to make her miserable as well.

thank you for your kind words savingmummy and tayforth.
thanks for your message too marisco.

ji dont know how to move forward when I feel so numb...:-(

lonelyguy

FBaby wrote: »

In the end, it often comes down to energy? Do you have more energy left to give it one more go, or more energy to consider ending it for good. One day soon, it will become obvious one way or the other.

This prob just sums up what I tried to say lol.
the honest answer is that I have energy for neither which is a rubbish answer...
.

Melonade

I don't think anyone can give you any help with your choice one way or another. One thing I'm pretty sure about though is that most people on here, me included, would say don't rush into anything.

Not just for your wife but more importantly for you. This isn't something that broke in 24 hours and it certainly can't be fixed that fast either. It sounds like you need a lot more time to decide how you want to move forward. Your wife is hardly stuck in limbo with this, she needs to understand that this is a decision that will affect you both for a long time into the future.

Don't be rushed, take as much time as you need. It's much too important to not give it proper time and thought.

ArtDecoGirly

Sorry for being blunt...but she sounds like a bit*h.

And you sound lovely, and too good for her. You deserve somebody that will make you happy and vice versa.

You can't keep thinking how SHE will feel, she doesn't seem to care how her actions make you feel! Your next move needs to be for YOURSELF. What you want.

Obviously if things do end, you'll be sad. But any sadder than you are already? You don't seem to be getting anything from this marriage. No love, no respect, no companionship...no partnership... Good luck with whatever YOU decide...

claire21

"at the end of the night she told me that she couldnt be in limbo for long"

Again SHE, she's thinking about herself, she's not saying to you take all the time you want to think things through.

It seems a shame the holiday is next week just adding pressure to it all.

skattykatty

Yes! Agree with Claire21.
Been following your story and it sounds that you have been in a limbo for a very very long time and she's just entered the same space. There is a point where emotions get so intense that you can numb out because it's so painful. Perhaps the imminent holiday is what has brought this all to a head somehow...counselling is not only about finding a way to make something work but perhaps finding a way to say goodbye...I really feel for you and wish you peace of mind asap.

victory

lonelyguy wrote: »

Good morning all.
so got home last night and my oh was acting very nice and happy and caring towards me.
I know she meant this sincerely.
I told her I was still not okay.
she tried to kiss me a couple of times but it didnt feel right. There was nothing in me to get over that feeling. I said that right now I didnt feel I could do that. She showed understanding.
we watched a film and afterwards tried to talk some more.
she suggested we go to counselling together to try to find a way through it. It put me on edge because if we went I know I would pour my heart out and im not sure that she could take everything I have to say.
at the end of the night she told me that she couldnt be in limbo for long. Its only been just over a day since I told her its over and she wanted to still try.
she wants to know either way ie. Do we try or is it over.

the thing is, I feel totally numb to everything. Im really trying to come to aan answer but I just cant find one.
if I leave it too long I know that she will start to get upset.
I guess its not fair to her to be left like that but something keeps saying 'but its only been 24 hours'.
Ive woken up this morning feeling no clearer in mind.

we are supposed to on holiday on monday and I did recognise that its not fair to take her away when I may not be able to give anything.

I feel stressed out by the pressure of having to find clarity when I feel so lost.

Like fbaby said, we could give it one more go yet at the moment I cant move on enough.

I dont want to make her miserable as well.

thank you for your kind words savingmummy and tayforth.
thanks for your message too marisco.

ji dont know how to move forward when I feel so numb...:-(

I can understand she will be in pain or shock and is saying things that maybe are all about her to save herself but this is about the both of you, she needs to understand that you need time, she could give you that time, if she wanted to love and care for you and have your best interests at heart she could do her own soul searching and realise that this is not all about her or all about you it is the way you have both been in the relationship.

The looming holiday, they say a change is a great distraction but all the problems go with you and come back with you.

claire21

I'd tell her to change the holiday and for her to go with a friend whilst you stay at home to think about things. Then see what she says, does she try and make you go with her..again her being the controlling party, agrees to go with a friend and read from that what you will, or says you should both just cancel and stay at home trying to work your way through things together.