marriage in trouble

irishjohn

Your wife wanted this big problem resolved immediately so that she can carry on as usual. Visiting her family without you would mean telling them something is not right and she does not want to do that - she wants to keep up appearances - sorry for the pun!

As you have said there is one face for the outside world and one face for you. You can stand your ground here and explain that you want some time at home chilling - as you have previously suggested. She has taken her week at home and now you intend to take yours. Tell her you want her to go ahead with the holiday and take a friend as you really do want me time.

You can then tell her she will have your decision next weekend - not before - and if she demands it sooner then she is making that decision for both of you.

This can all be said without rancour and will give her a chance to step back and think about how she has behaved in the relationship. I wonder if she feels she has got the right man she can pigeon hole and carry on doing what she wants to do while he just enables her to have the lifestyle and appearance.

Don't do guilt, you have put yourself second for 4 years and finally run out of energy - you need this week to just be at home and chilling - and it will help you build your strength for what's ahead. I suspect that her resolve to change will not amount to anything positively permanent. You are young enough to put it down to a false start and go seek your new soulmate - with a bit more wisdom on what characteristics to look for.

And give your Mum a hug!!

lonelyguy

She just came down before going out.
she told me to make a decision and send her a text either way. She said she is not precious about hearing by text.
she backs me in to a corner and then comes down and tells me to text her when I have made my decision
she said she will be back later and to send a text when I have made a decision.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She said she can deal with either answer.
if I still want to be with her but am like this for a while she can deal with that as long as she knows I still want to try.

but what pary of I DONT KNOW does she not understand?

Am I being unreasonable?

SternMusik

lonelyguy wrote: »

I keep thinking that this is all my fault :-( :-( :-(

Lonelyguy, it is not your fault.

The strange thing about break-ups is that even though you have mulled it over for months, possibly years, you are still not prepared for it to happen when the moment arrives.

Please cut yourself some slack. You come across as a lovely person. Spend some time with friends and family for company and emotional support (and maccaroni cheese of course). I hope you'll get through the weekend okay.

CrazyRed

No, you're not being unreasonable at all.

Your wife sounds like my ex. Best day's work I ever did (although it hurt like hell at the time) getting away from her and, as the years have passed, the pain and hassle has diminished.

You are being bullied, my friend. Leave, walk away, go to a friends house and have no more contact with her for the weekend -nope, not even by text. Make yourself 'unavailable' to any more of her mind games for a while and use the time to clear your head.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme and look at the character traits of a Bully or a Dominator - you'll mentally tick a lot of boxes when you look at your missus.

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

(I know the course is aimed at women in particular, but the character traits apply equally and it is equally possible for a woman to be the Dominator).

Also, try this CBT Self help site : http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/index.html - step 6, Mindfulness, may help you get your head into a better place.

I've followed this thread from the start, but kept out of it up until now to see how things developed. It's evident now that your missus clearly doesn't give a monkey's earhole for anybody but herself and it's high time you started taking back the control of your own life and sanity.

kelpie35

Lonelyguy, this is definitely not your fault.

This is her trying to control you once again, so you have your proof that she is not willing to change.

I think you need to go and spend, what is left of the weekend, with people who genuinely love and care for you.

You have the next week to make arrangements about putting the house up for sale, but do not be bullied by your OH to rush things.

Can you stay at your mother's house till it is sold?

Please try to stay calm and dignified, as you have been throughout your marriage.

You will soon see light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

Take care.

SternMusik

lonelyguy wrote: »

but what pary of I DONT KNOW does she not understand?

Am I being unreasonable?

No, you are not being unreasonable.

(To be fair to your wife, I hate uncertainty more than anything else, but she really needs to give you some time. It takes me longer than 36 hours to pick a new toaster, for heaven's sake.)

From an outsider's perspective her behaviour doesn't bode very well if you do decide to stay together. Actions speak louder than words.

Melonade

I think you need to get out of the house and stay somewhere else for a few days and don't text her or phone either.

She asked for a quick decision, you wouldn't give one so she made the choice. Now she has asked you to make a decision again but STILL INSISTS on some kind of time limit. She sounds totally uncaring and selfish to your feelings!!!

Get away and stop letting her put you in a position of being pressured.

sportbeth

Please don't put the house on the market next week. It's too soon to make such a drastic move and her asking you to do this is her blackmailing you again.

You may be able to stay in the house and buy her out or her buy you out, either way one of you will save a huge stamp duty bill (sorry, MSE thinking!)

If I had a quid for every time my ex threatened to sell my home from underneath me and I caved I'd be a rich woman. You have plenty more to think about next week. This isn't one of those things

marisco_2

lonelyguy wrote: »

but what part of I DONT KNOW does she not understand?

She understands it fully. The problem here is that she doesn't like what that answer represents. To her it signifies that you are questioning everything that has been going on, and are no longer prepared to be her puppet on a string, only there to please her and satisfy her every whim and want. This is unsettling her and making her realise that her world, just as she likes it, could be set to fall down around her ears.

You are not to blame for all this. People such as your wife are unable to take responsibility for their faults and failings. They choose instead to deflect them onto others and guilt trip them. For this reason and all the many other things you have divulged on this thread, you are absolutely not being unreasonable in wanting as much time as is needed to decide on a way forward.

OP this decision affects your life and future happiness. It speaks volumes about how much marriage and your commitment to your wife means to you, that you are not prepared to take this lightly and make a quick decision either way. That she fails to recognise that, give you space and be respectful whilst you work through your feelings, shows a total lack of concern for you and is incredibly sad.

claire21

She has said next week when I am off I can get the house ready to sell.

She says text her.

You don't need to put the house on the market next week, why is it for you to do anyway? You don't need to text her.

If you spent everyday in your job with a boss like this would you not be looking for another job?

Just go to your mums and turn your phone off.

What times the holiday (flights) ? On Monday? Can you stay with your mum until then?