Timing

victory

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Ye maybe. I left it like this:
Look I know I said I'd leave u to it, and I will after this message. I just wanted to say it's a shame that all we seem to have at the moment is hate and anger.

I understand your hurt, I understand that your angry at me. I'd like to put a stop to all of this. We used to have something, that relationship is gone, but perhaps we don't have to end up bitter enemies.

Your the mother of my children. You are a good mum and your health and well being is important.
Your private life is yours, not my business. But id like to talk civilly and rationally about the kids.

I'm putting forward a hand of friendship, perhaps u just need a friend now?

Anyway the ball is in your court. You won't hear from me for a while.

I'm now giving her ten days to get in touch, no contact from me. I will then ask again in ten days time. If not I've written a letter to send her. After seeking legal advice - what a joke, actually hate that things have got like this when 6 months ago we were together. - I've decided that it's best to keep things as civil and emotionless as possible. Not that that's easy.

There was no need for this, why oh why could you not have just left it? You are causing more aggro for no reason, it would have been better for everyone if you had just risen above it and left it for a while

giantmutantbroccoli

I've decided that it's best to keep things as civil and emotionless as possible. Not that that's easy.

That sounds like a really excellent idea, but that's not what you're doing right now. That message you sent to her isn't emotionless, it actually sounds quite manipulative. I'm not saying you're deliberately trying to manipulate her, mind, I think you're maybe just struggling to talk to her while you're both hurting. But have another look at the content of your message:

I just wanted to say it's a shame that all we seem to have at the moment is hate and anger.

Passive-aggressively chiding her for her behaviour is not really going to help the two of you get along.

I understand your hurt, I understand that your angry at me. I'd like to put a stop to all of this. We used to have something, that relationship is gone, but perhaps we don't have to end up bitter enemies.

Don't tell her you understand her, and don't tell her how she's feeling. She knows how she feels, and she knows how much (or little) you understand her. You'd like to put a stop to her being angry with you, but you're still bugging her!

Your private life is yours, not my business. But id like to talk civilly and rationally about the kids.

You involved yourself in her private life.

I'm putting forward a hand of friendship, perhaps u just need a friend now?

Didn't you try being "just friends"? Surely that was the point you were at when this thread started - she was trying to tell you (in increasingly more obvious ways) that she didn't want you as anything other than a friend and father to her kids, and you were drumming your fingers impatiently wanting to know when you could get back together as a couple. At this point it sounds like she's changed her mind about being your friend, possibly because you're so intent on being her partner.

It's quite likely that the way I've interpreted what you've written is probably not at all how you meant it - but your ex doesn't know how you meant it either, just like me she's only got what you wrote to her to go off.

When you next send her a message (and do wait at least the 10 days you planned) make it entirely, 100%, about the kids. Don't mention your relationship. Don't mention hers or your own behaviour. Do not talk about anything whatsoever other than the children and your access to them. You will get along so much better if you're not constantly bringing up the past, and you'll have easier access to the kids if you can talk civilly with their mother without delving into your relationship.

Confusedandneedhelp

giantmutantbroccoli wrote: »

That sounds like a really excellent idea, but that's not what you're doing right now. That message you sent to her isn't emotionless, it actually sounds quite manipulative. I'm not saying you're deliberately trying to manipulate her, mind, I think you're maybe just struggling to talk to her while you're both hurting. But have another look at the content of your message:


Passive-aggressively chiding her for her behaviour is not really going to help the two of you get along.

Don't tell her you understand her, and don't tell her how she's feeling. She knows how she feels, and she knows how much (or little) you understand her. You'd like to put a stop to her being angry with you, but you're still bugging her!

You involved yourself in her private life.

Didn't you try being "just friends"? Surely that was the point you were at when this thread started - she was trying to tell you (in increasingly more obvious ways) that she didn't want you as anything other than a friend and father to her kids, and you were drumming your fingers impatiently wanting to know when you could get back together as a couple. At this point it sounds like she's changed her mind about being your friend, possibly because you're so intent on being her partner.

It's quite likely that the way I've interpreted what you've written is probably not at all how you meant it - but your ex doesn't know how you meant it either, just like me she's only got what you wrote to her to go off.

When you next send her a message (and do wait at least the 10 days you planned) make it entirely, 100%, about the kids. Don't mention your relationship. Don't mention hers or your own behaviour. Do not talk about anything whatsoever other than the children and your access to them. You will get along so much better if you're not constantly bringing up the past, and you'll have easier access to the kids if you can talk civilly with their mother without delving into your relationship.

Ok Ye it wasn't meant like that. I just hate the way things are. I want to see my kids.

I miss seeing them. And instead of the days flying past and almost running to get home to see my family, they drag on and on. To the point where I feel like just ending it all.

I know ten days isn't a long time. But then there's the chance she'll say no. Then I send my letter, them seven more days, then court. It's so messed up. And the stupid thing is I was getting help to be a better person.

I know it's stupid to think this; but it hurts that she doesn't care the pain I'm feeling.

paulineb_2

Ending it all isn't the answer. It doesn't matter if you were getting help, you can't control whether she loves you or not or whether she wants to be with you.

If you truly feel suicidal, get help.

Confusedandneedhelp

paulineb wrote: »

Ending it all isn't the answer. It doesn't matter if you were getting help, you can't control whether she loves you or not or whether she wants to be with you.

If you truly feel suicidal, get help.

It's not something I joke about. But maybe she's right and she's and the kids would be better off without me. Everything I do just falls apart. I feel like a failure.

I know I can't control how she feels. It's just this waiting. And waiting for the unknown.

I'm not saying I'm going to do it. But atleast the pain would stop.

Confusedandneedhelp

To be honest I don't like myself so the thought if being in my own is kind of !!!!.

marisco_2

Unless you have done something incredibly stupid in the past, that may cause a judge to rule against you regarding access to your children, then you are not waiting for the unknown. It may just take a fair bit of time to sort everything out, either civilly with your ex or via the courts.

I don't doubt that you are in extreme emotional pain at the moment. Seriously who wouldn't be whilst forcibly separated from children they love. That is nothing though in comparison to what you would put your children through, if you took their dad away from them by harming yourself.

This is when you really need to step up to the mark, by deciding to handle this delicate time in your life, with some common sense and maturity. Stop feeling a failure due to past misdeeds, and instead let how you cope with things from now on in be proof to yourself that you are not.

Confusedandneedhelp

marisco wrote: »

Unless you have done something incredibly stupid in the past, that may cause a judge to rule against you regarding access to your children, then you are not waiting for the unknown. It may just take a fair bit of time to sort everything out, either civilly with your ex or via the courts.

I don't doubt that you are in extreme emotional pain at the moment. Seriously who wouldn't be whilst forcibly separated from children they love. That is nothing though in comparison to what you would put your children through, if you took their dad away from them by harming yourself.

This is when you really need to step up to the mark, by deciding to handle this delicate time in your life, with some common sense and maturity. Stop feeling a failure due to past misdeeds, and instead let how you cope with things from now on in be proof to yourself that you are not.

Ye I guess. Just accepting that we will not be a family again is tough. She moved on so quickly. It makes me doubt everything I thought I knew. And now she's like this, I feel like did I know her at all?!

I know it's not about her. But the kids. But from what I understand it's been going on for a while, atleast 4-5 weeks. So we'd only just broken up. I know it might not mean anything. Just for me the thought of being with anyone else is just sick. And she's not like that. I know everyone copes differently, but it just hurts.

paulineb_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

It's not something I joke about. But maybe she's right and she's and the kids would be better off without me. Everything I do just falls apart. I feel like a failure.

I know I can't control how she feels. It's just this waiting. And waiting for the unknown.

I'm not saying I'm going to do it. But atleast the pain would stop.

I didnt say you were joking. No one can stop you from ending it all if thats what you want, but all I have to say is, you really cannot rely on someone else to fix you emotionally.

If you loved this girl so much why did you treat her the way you did, on your other thread you said that you were on the verge of splitting before she found out she was pregnant

Yes it hurts when someone you want doesnt want you back and yes its ok to have regrets about the way it ended.

But there are other people involved in all this as well, not just you.

Get some help if you really do feel suicidal and try and get on with your life no matter what, its the best thing you can do.

Confusedandneedhelp

She won't even return my engagement ring, says she's gonna sell it.