Timing

Confusedandneedhelp

cbrown372 wrote: »

I call Troll. Two threads both the same and drip feeding stories that chop and change with the weather.

Sorry my 'stories' don't fit the mold

victory

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Call troll if u want. I don't care. I'm just a messed up person

We care about you and here to help you, we can listen and advise and hopefully you can get yourself back on the right path and not be so terribly unhappy.

Confusedandneedhelp

Here is everything, and im sorry that it’s long.

We met randomly in 2010, December 11th. Just instant connection, really great fun. Woke up at her place, didn’t know where that was. Asked her, she said a town about 10 miles away, just as a joke. Maybe not everyone’s kind of humour, but it worked for me.
I ended up leaving my glasses there, just couldn’t find them in the morning. She added me on facebook that morning too. So that Sunday was spent doing just the usual kind of things, until the evening (was waiting for pubs to open to try find glasses), after going round them all and no luck I text/facebook messaged her (I honestly don’t remember) and she said she had them and I could come get them. I get there, she doesn’t let me in, just hands glasses over. So I think that’s that then and it was just a one night stand – fair enough.
The next day she messaged me (I think it was a text come to think of it), and said sorry I was a bit rude, etc etc, I replied no probs yada yada. All fine. I figure I wont rush into anything, just see how this plays out. The next evening I had a job interview for a second job (wanted to earn some extra money – bar work). Messaged her after, saying I’m in town if she fancies meeting up. She replied that she cant get babysitting on short notice, but invites me over. So I go over, and it was fun, but unsure of what she wants. She even said we can just be friends if you don’t like me. Ofcourse I liked her.
Anyway the first week was obviously amazing, until she showed me her photo album. Her brother was marrying the sister of a one night stand I had had (before we met). So I was in a dilemma, in hindsight I should’ve been honest about it. But I lied, said I knew the girl, but didn’t mention the one night.
This was the start of a long list of problems. I think it was February 2011 when she went away with her family. I get a call at 11pm, saying she’s left them, kids included (with her parents, not just alone or anything) and was on a train to London and then onto Lancaster. In London she gets drunk at the station, gets robbed (she fell asleep, nothing violent). Throughout the night im worried about her, keep ringing to make sure shes ok. Get a call at 10am saying she’s coming into Lancaster, can I meet her at the station. So I do. We returned to my place (which to be fair was a mistake – as I was abit of a slob) and we had a passionate reunion, but there was an old condom wrapper down the side of the bed. Instantly she thinks I’m playing away. I wasn’t.
Fast forward a couple weeks, we were getting drunk and smoking something which your not supposed to, and I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I went to bed. I was asleep and she came up and tried to get passionate. I must’ve been dreaming because by accident I called her by my ex’s name, wasn’t deliberate, was asleep/drunk/high. She went mental.
I also had some old facebook messages, from before we got together, which to be honest I forgot about. She went onto my facebook, found them and found out about the one night stand I mentioned earlier. Again she went mental.
I don’t remember the exact order of events, its 3 years. But at this time, she was physically abusive to me, she punched me multiple times. She slammed a door on my hand, of specifically my finger still have the scar to prove it. I never said anything because im the bloke. But especially when she did that to my hand, just through pain I lashed out and broke the garden gate (it was the back door that she slammed onto my hand).
This was Around March/April 2011 (very turbulent first 5 months), we were going to end it, but found out she was pregnant. I promised to change everything. The thing is she didn’t promise anything, the onus was completely on me. I asked her to marry me about a fortnight later.
Honestly things in my head are very messed up, but I remember at some point we had ordered a takeaway. The delivery driver happened to be female and happened to remember me from a previous order(s). She went mental at me because I’d been remotely friendly to the girl. Just absolutely ballistic calling me everything. I ended up throwing my burger at the wall.
Anyway Around this time I sold my property in Russia (well it was around june/july) and I decided to pay off her debts (and mine), but a car and buy a house. She went house hunting, I never even saw the house before we moved in (well I saw the outside). I trusted her. So she found it, put our offer in etc etc. And moved in November 2011. About two weeks after we moved in, we had a row. (I should point out at this time, we had quite regular rows, which would involve her winding me up and up and up, with gestures, or whispered insults. While she would sit with the kids. She would push and push and push, then I would explode. Id say something which I didn’t mean and she would pack a bag and go to her parents place. I’d try stop her, apologising etc etc. but that’s what she’d do.) so we had a row two weeks after moving in, I think it was over something stupid, but it escalated quickly. And I said something like get out of my house, go to your mums like u usually do. So she did. Obviously I felt bad straight away. I just got sick of the constant criticism I got. I cant remember if it was me playing on the computer or not washing up or what, but constantly critical. Even though I’ve just given her a house, a car and she’s debt free. She had no gratitude as to the magnitude and the extent of the commitment I just made to her. I understand that little things can annoy after a long time, but I just wanted a bit of a proud moment. Anyway she left, I apologised again, she came back.
On the 6th December 2011 my son was born, 1.33am. I remember every detail. I remember being told she’s in labour. Being told I may have to go home as she could be a while (thank god I didn’t) and I remember when after just (I know its not ‘just’ anything, but I didn’t know what to expect) pushes my son was born. My beautiful bouncing baby boy. And he was so little I was scared of holding him, I think it was about an hour before I got enough confidence.
Then came my next mistake about two days later, she said I should go out and celebrate. So I did. I’d said id sleep in the kids room and all that (oldest two were with her parents). I think by this point resentment had just built up, so when I came home. I was emotional and drained and drunk. I wanted to just hold him. She was right to not let me, but she was emotional too, said some nasty things to me, so I called her a c__t. Im not proud of this. I went to sleep and woke up to find 2 police officers there (I forgot to say this wasn’t the first time, she’d called the police twice before we moved. I’d gone out, gotten drunk. Come back late. She wouldn’t let me in. So the police would turn up and just calm things down). Anyway the police turned up and told me I better leave. I didn’t want to cause trouble so I did (from the house I had bought, with my money). I stayed at a friends for a couple days, she meanwhile decided to move back to her mums.

So for the first few weeks I didn’t even see my son. To be honest the first year of his life is a blur. I was working, coming home not sure if we would be arguing, constantly walking on egg shells. If we did argue, she would always bring up everything I’ve written down so far (probably why this is what I remember, and not the nice moments) and always had leverage with the kids.
Im not saying she was always bad, don’t get me wrong we had good times. We went on holidays, and days out. But if anything went wrong I just felt like it was being blamed directly on me. Like go on fix it then. Even if it’s something that’s beyond my control. We’ve not shared a bed since Nov/Dec 2012. We weren’t really close, though we’d have semi regular sex life.
I just feel that instead of facing the issues head on, she would prefer to leave, go to her mums, where she would say ‘leave him, I’ll look after you, and support the children.’ We never really resolved anything, it would just be left up in the air.
In November 2012 I became seriously ill, I was hospitalised for 3 days. I had developed duodenitis, which is an inflammation of the intestines. I think this might’ve healed some of our stuff, at the time she was again at her mums, but came back and looked after me. The consultant said in 25 years of medicine, this was the worst case he had ever seen. They couldn’t find a cause, but I had that and a hiatus hernia (it’s where the stomach pushes through and developed a bulge) and I was off work for about 3 months, I lost a lot of weight, I was constantly sleeping. I only ate bread and water, some fruits. I had to really be careful on what I ate. I took 3 medications, including an anti sickness tablet. It is usually prescribed to patients receiving radio therapy, so is very strong and made me very sleepy (cyclizine I think it was called).
I did try to return to work, but the pressure was really getting to me. Pressure of work. Comments about being ‘part time’. They cancelled my shortened hours, was 4 days a week. And the final straw was when I was paid in February. (I’d like to explain, that when I returned to work I was on an hourly rate in January. At the end of January I was paid upto the 24th, so I was owed hours for the last week of January into feb. My manager has said that because I was almost back to full time by February ( I think it was approx. 8 hours in total for the month from full time) they would pay me my full time wage and the additional hours on top. So when February pay day came round I expected a full monthly wage and some additional. Instead they had paid me hourly again. So that in essence my colleagues got the same as me for doing 28 days, As I did for 28 days + hours from January. I felt ripped off, I complained. They said they would not reimburse me. I was feeling under so much pressure with money and debts building up and still not being 100% recovered. I spoke to my ex, and at the time she agreed that I should quit, and that I should go to college and retrain. And so I did.
We decided to sell the house to pay of spiralling debts (living on loans and credit cards whilst id been off work, especially around Christmas and with three kids.) + buy now pay later loans that were coming up for furniture etc. I think this was my worst mistake. She had agreed to return the house to my name a while earlier, I forgot to mention. Anyway the house was sold, and again as a gesture of my affections and trust I gave her half the money. I bought a new car for us, and paid of debts and stuff. Unfortunately I was unemployed for much longer than I thought. We split up, again. She moved to her mum’s again. And for about a month I was just down and going out etc. I reconnected with an old friend, a girl. Nothing was going on at all. But when she found out she flipped out. She tried to call her, and then sent her a facebook message telling her to stay away from me.
We moved again in December, the house we were in was too far away from school etc. Again I was on the sofa. I had to pay her ‘rent’ £800 a month. And in February, just after I started work. She ended things. I ended up moving again, to my own flat. Left with nothing now. No money, no family.
Think you are familiar with the recent stuff. But in summary, I wanted to reconcile. She didn’t. I think this guy she met might have reinforced that in her. But I feel strung along. If she’d told me about him I would’ve stopped chasing her. But I still don’t know what’s really going on with that. I get the feeling she likes this guy, but she’s adamant again, or she was. That there was nothing going on and it’s in my head.
So there it is. I feel like in three years theres been no stability for any of us, including the kids. That for 18 months our relationship has been almost friends with benefits as opposed to loving and caring partners. I feel like ive failed, and because I was always the one to say sorry and never really stood up for myself, that she’s right and I caused the break down. That I was abit controlling about stuff. But also that I asked her if something was going on with this guy and she said he was just a friend, so she’s just been lying to me. So what else has she lied about.
I have some mental health problems. I’ve mentioned this before. But she was saying she has a document 20 pages long listing everything ive done. And that if I go to court, she will fight me all the way for access. That the best I will get is a contact centre visit.
So now I need to choose what to do. My mum says I should wait, give her space and time. Concentrate on myself and make myself better. But the key point she is making is don’t go to court to get access. That in a month or two, she’ll wonder where I am and she’ll make contact herself and we can agree stuff about the kids.
Part of me agrees. And obviously I’m not going to contact her.
But what do people really think about this? I mean what do you make of the ‘relationship’, perhaps im viewing it through clouded glasses. And should I start legal proceedings straight away, risk a long, drawn out and expensive battle. Or should I give her time to cool off?

And I know I've not been happy in over 18 months. It just meant I could see my kids more if we were together.

victory

I've read it but can't think of what to say apart from why would you agree to a no sex relationship, is that not a friendly. , friends relationship rather than a bf and gf one?

icklejulez

You wont be able to start legal proceedings until you have attempted mediation. You can phone your local mediation office and go in for an assessment/information session. They will then write to your ex.


I strongly advise, that you stay well away from your ex during this time. I strongly advise you refrain from contacting her unless she contacts you, and then only if it is relation to the children or them wanting anything.


Do not give her any evidence to suggest harassment, intimidation or bullying.


I also think you are very hot headed and angry. I would suggest if you want to get through this period, you perhaps ask a level headed friend or on this forum to determine whether you should respond or send a message to her. I don't think you are making the best decisions.


It seems to me like your relationship has always been in difficulty, but you were staying in the relationship for security, love and your children. This is never going to be successful and you will only realise this when you move on and find someone who is right for you. It may be likely your ex felt the same which is why she moved on so quickly.


Forget about your relationship, who was at fault, this dream 'family' life you pictured and focus on being a good dad.

Confusedandneedhelp

victory wrote: »

I've read it but can't think of what to say apart from why would you agree to a no sex relationship, is that not a friendly. , friends relationship rather than a bf and gf one?

Sorry don't understand? Do u mean why didn't we stop being together and just be friends?

icklejulez wrote: »

You wont be able to start legal proceedings until you have attempted mediation. You can phone your local mediation office and go in for an assessment/information session. They will then write to your ex.


I strongly advise, that you stay well away from your ex during this time. I strongly advise you refrain from contacting her unless she contacts you, and then only if it is relation to the children or them wanting anything.


Do not give her any evidence to suggest harassment, intimidation or bullying.


I also think you are very hot headed and angry. I would suggest if you want to get through this period, you perhaps ask a level headed friend or on this forum to determine whether you should respond or send a message to her. I don't think you are making the best decisions.


It seems to me like your relationship has always been in difficulty, but you were staying in the relationship for security, love and your children. This is never going to be successful and you will only realise this when you move on and find someone who is right for you. It may be likely your ex felt the same which is why she moved on so quickly.


Forget about your relationship, who was at fault, this dream 'family' life you pictured and focus on being a good dad.

Thanks. I wanted to suggest mediation, but what if she refuses? Do you think it's worth waiting a few weeks before doing it so she's abit calmer and more stable?

Confusedandneedhelp

So far I have a solicitors appointment on Thursday to help me set up ground work. Ie what I can reasonably expect.

And mediation provisionally for the 6th may to go talk to them.

I hope she says yes to mediation, I don't want to go to court.

victory

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Sorry don't understand? Do u mean why didn't we stop being together and just be friends?

?

No what I mean is why would you agree to no sex since 2012? If you're in a relationship sex is part of it, if you are not in a relationship and are just friends that is a completely different thing.

Confusedandneedhelp

victory wrote: »

No what I mean is why would you agree to no sex since 2012? If you're in a relationship sex is part of it, if you are not in a relationship and are just friends that is a completely different thing.

Sorry must've miss typed it. We had sex up until quite recently, just not the other stuff like romance etc

Sorry realised u must mean by not sharing a bed, we slept seperately

victory

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Sorry must've miss typed it. We had sex up until quite recently, just not the other stuff like romance etc

Sorry realised u must mean by not sharing a bed, we slept seperately

Who said to sleep seperately? Did neither of you do nice things for each other?

You both seemed to have filled your time with being mean to each other and trying to score points rather than taking a deep breath, a step back and realizing each others strengths and good points and enjoying them and each others company.