Timing

Confusedandneedhelp

Thanks, it is great news.

We are just discussing possible times and days I can see them, have them over etc. so far I've suggested seeing the every other day, but on weekdays it would just be a few hours.

I doubt that will be what we agree finally but it's a starting point.

As for my head and my decisions/ plans. Here it is:

A. Be a great dad, see the kids, enjoy my time with them and co-parent with my ex. I need to spend as much time as I can with them whilst they are young, soon they will want to see their friends etc and I don't want to miss out.

B. Work on myself, go to therapy, clean myself up eg new clothes new haircut etc, remove negatives like drinking and smoking, get into shape, well round is a shape, but a different shape! , and just make myself better. She's free to do whatever she wants in the meantime ( I may not like it, but I can't control it and that's that). Then just see what the future holds, in 3/4 months I'll reassess. We may both be single and the changes may be exactly what she wants. Or it may be that I have met someone else, or god knows. Yes I'd like to be a family, but I'm not diving head first into it.

Confusedandneedhelp

After some negotiation: 3/4 days a week,

Once all 3 stay over, and the following day
And every Saturday atleast in the day.
Once individually

So I'm happy with that.

We agreed to be flexible, and to co parent together. So hopefully fingers crossed it works.

marisco_2

It must be a relief to have reached agreement over seeing the children. That you can both now talk civilly, and are considerate of each others and the children's needs, bodes very well for the future. Good luck, I hope it works out for you all.

Confusedandneedhelp

Hoya. So an update: we went to mediation and agreed a few weeks of building trust, so seeing them on Saturdays and then increasing on the 24th to build up time.

So far so good. Saw them on Saturday and can't wait until the next time.

Slight speed bump is that we ended up talking yesterday for a few hours, stupidly I got emotional asking for reassurance/ another chance ( not for a relationship, but a chance to prove I can be everything I say I can), she said no. But some conflicting messages.

She says you've got your chance now, so prove it - I presume this means when I'm seeing the kids.
She also says - it's all talk, you never just do what you say and see what the outcome is, u always want reassurance.
And - I don't know what the future holds, at the moment it's no, but I can't predict what will happen.
And - I've heard you say this before, so how can I know it's real this time.

Now I have a tendency to get the wrong end of the stick, all read too much into it. However she also has a tendency to not speak her mind openly, and to just drop hints.

I know no-one can know for sure here what she means. But would you say she's dropping hints or not?

It doesn't change a lot if she is or isn't. But my mind does tend to run a 100miles a minute and I get impatient.

So my current thought process is basically this:

She doesn't want a relationship at the minute, that she's still hurt, and that I need to prove what I say if we will ever have a chance.
Just to be clear, when I say relationship I mean the whole family unit. No just about me and her.

Anyways thanks guys and gals

Confusedandneedhelp

Oh sorry just remembered one last thing she said, I asked what she wanted- she said I've told u before, just look at ur emails, I'm not repeating myself.

And that's in reference to things that upset her and she wanted changed.

Ozzuk

It does sound like you're making progress but again you aren't really listening and still expecting too much. She's being very clear, she doesn't trust that you are really changing, and that can ONLY be proved by time. And she wants that time to be apart.

So, its sounds like you need to concentrate on you and and the kids, accept that is maybe all it will ever be, it will be better for you, her and the kids. And maybe, after all that you could have a future but that can't be your focus right now. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone new, and if you do then make sure you don't repeat your mistakes. But for now, concentrate on being stable, not demanding, and being on your own and liking yourself again.

Confusedandneedhelp

Ozzuk wrote: »

It does sound like you're making progress but again you aren't really listening and still expecting too much. She's being very clear, she doesn't trust that you are really changing, and that can ONLY be proved by time. And she wants that time to be apart.

So, its sounds like you need to concentrate on you and and the kids, accept that is maybe all it will ever be, it will be better for you, her and the kids. And maybe, after all that you could have a future but that can't be your focus right now. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone new, and if you do then make sure you don't repeat your mistakes. But for now, concentrate on being stable, not demanding, and being on your own and liking yourself again.

Thanks, I don't expect to change things over night. Just seems like mixed message - like saying 'instead of making promises, why don't u do them and see where it gets you'.

Not really an issue since I'm doing that anyway, and we've just agreed days for me to see them over half term. Just frustrating all the time going past when the result could, I know it's only COULD, be that we are a family again.

But I have fingers crossed that if I stick to all this then atleast I'll have good interaction with the kids at very least.

JoW123

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Thanks, I don't expect to change things over night. Just seems like mixed message - like saying 'instead of making promises, why don't u do them and see where it gets you'.

Not really an issue since I'm doing that anyway, and we've just agreed days for me to see them over half term. Just frustrating all the time going past when the result could, I know it's only COULD, be that we are a family again.

But I have fingers crossed that if I stick to all this then atleast I'll have good interaction with the kids at very least.

She can't tell you whether you can be a unit again because at the moment you haven't shown that you have changed. You're still asking for another chance and you're still pushing her to make a decision!! You have to accept that you're not a family unit at the moment but you have arranged reasonable access to your children and things between you are improving. Please stop pushing her for reassurance and accept things as they are or you are in danger of it all exploding again.

Confusedandneedhelp

JoW123 wrote: »

She can't tell you whether you can be a unit again because at the moment you haven't shown that you have changed. You're still asking for another chance and you're still pushing her to make a decision!! You have to accept that you're not a family unit at the moment but you have arranged reasonable access to your children and things between you are improving. Please stop pushing her for reassurance and accept things as they are or you are in danger of it all exploding again.

You're right, thank u for your good advice. I won't push it, I will take time to prove that I can and to some degree already have, changed.

I know we are not a family, but I have a 12 week plan to better myself. At the end of that I may feel ready to address reconciliation, or I may not want to at all.

I do find it difficult sometimes, but every step forward is a step closer to what I desire and every mistake is a step back. So no more mistakes, no more upsetting her.

I just sometimes read things incorrectly and she always said I never took hints, hence why I had to ask here.

I do think she was saying something with her words, I just think she's heard enough and wants to see it instead.

Confusedandneedhelp

I guess I just worry she'll meet some else. She has every right to, and a meaningless fling doesn't bother me, I dunno. Sorry random post, just feel like I'm doing all the right things for the right reasons. But in the back of my mind there's a constant niggle that if she does I will slip back a long way.

I'm not doing this for her, I'm doing it for me and the kids. But I feel like she has the power to make or break everything I will have in the future.

So it's like, I can give her everything she could ever want. Guess it's just regret over past mistakes. She talks about turning points and I've had mine, but proving it is difficult when she's out so often, when there's this chap on the scene ( even though she insists there's nothing going on ).

Anyway I've got my therapy session this afternoon, I'll be addressing these feelings. Just needed to vent