Timing

Confusedandneedhelp

Cut a long story short, my other thread has details. I've taken the plunge into winning my family back.

We've gone from her being totally !!!!ed off at me to being civil in a very short period.

I've taken steps to change myself - taking tablets, seeking therapy and cutting people from my life. Now my ex I think does want me back, but I have hurt her and she's not ready to just draw a line under the last 3 years. For now I'm being a dad, seeing the kids and doing activities with them.

I have changed my perspective on what I truly want but after so many broken promises she's not ready to believe just the words anymore. So I need to prove it.

I know it's going to take time, continuous positive behaviour and giving her space to see these changes.

I'm not asking anyone to tell me how long this is, because how long is a piece of string? But what signs can I look out for that she's ready to talk about us again?

What are common signs that she may be ready for a relationship? I don't want to pressure her decision, I want her to want the same thing I do. I get the feeling that deep down she does, but a lot of bad feeling is in the way.

BrassicWoman

or she could be being nice for the sake of the kids.

Back right off until you have been through your therapy and understand how you are behaving and why. It's far too early to be imposing essentially your needs on her.

Confusedandneedhelp

BrassicWoman wrote: »

or she could be being nice for the sake of the kids.

Back right off until you have been through your therapy and understand how you are behaving and why. It's far too early to be imposing essentially your needs on her.

No no, I know this. I'm not saying at all that now is the moment, I don't want to get back together until I'm through more sessions, have a chance to show her over a longer time that I'm not the same person. I know she wants the same thing, but she's angry, and rightly so, and not ready to let her defences down. I don't blame her. I just don't want to miss signs that she is when the time comes. I don't expect anything at all for next month or two minimum

paulineb_2

Next month or two? I think you need to back off and leave her to say to you in plain terms that she wants you back. Or not as the case may be.

Don't put pressure on her. To be honest I think from some of the stuff you've posted elsewhere you may have a hard job convincing her you've changed. Change takes time. The way you allowed your friends to treat her for example, that's not the actions of someone who has his partners best interests at heart. If someone did that to me and I've been in a relationship where friends did take priority I'd be walking away and staying away.

Confusedandneedhelp

You're right and for example I told them where to go. I have nothing more to do with them, no longer go drinking, no longer play football, nothing.

I know I've made mistakes, change takes time, proving it even more so.

BrassicWoman

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I know she wants the same thing,

Are you aware knowing what someone else wants is a classic sign of bullying?

She'll tell you if she's interested.

Confusedandneedhelp

BrassicWoman wrote: »

Are you aware knowing what someone else wants is a classic sign of bullying?

She'll tell you if she's interested.

She talks about what she wants, I'm not presuming. That's not what I meant

BrassicWoman

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

She talks about what she wants, I'm not presuming. That's not what I meant

I think come back and ask the question again in say 3 months with at least half a dozen sessions under your belt. I can't see anyone thinking this is a good idea right now. At least, not among the women. Could be wrong!

Confusedandneedhelp

BrassicWoman wrote: »

I think come back and ask the question again in say 3 months with at least half a dozen sessions under your belt. I can't see anyone thinking this is a good idea right now. At least, not among the women. Could be wrong!

No I agree with u, but how does one heal hurt feelings?

I mean does just being different show it? Do I need to make extra effort in one area or another?

I'm different to most I guess, been through a lot so my feelings take a while to hurt. My ex partner is hurt, I have let her down. Does changing help? I just don't know the does and donts

Ozzuk

You need to be realistic here. Sure it could be 1-2 months, it could also be 6-12 months, a year, more. Changing is relatively easily, sticking with it and actually becoming a different (better?) person is much harder and won't be done in such a short time frame.

Concentrate on you, be there for the kids, be stable and show her you are someone she can rely on and don't throw your toys out the pram if she doesn't bend to your will in a months time. As I said in your other thread, you need to be comfortable being on your own, learn to like yourself again and if you are able to sort things out then great, if not then you'll hopefully be a stronger person and more able to live with it. Your posts are still coming across quite 'panicky' so just breath, relax and keep up the good work.

Confusedandneedhelp

Ozzuk wrote: »

You need to be realistic here. Sure it could be 1-2 months, it could also be 6-12 months, a year, more. Changing is relatively easily, sticking with it and actually becoming a different (better?) person is much harder and won't be done in such a short time frame.

Concentrate on you, be there for the kids, be stable and show her you are someone she can rely on and don't throw your toys out the pram if she doesn't bend to your will in a months time. As I said in your other thread, you need to be comfortable being on your own, learn to like yourself again and if you are able to sort things out then great, if not then you'll hopefully be a stronger person and more able to live with it. Your posts are still coming across quite 'panicky' so just breath, relax and keep up the good work.

Thanks.

I know what you mean, I'm very impatient. I'm not panicking per se, I can't force her to like me. I just think every day that goes past is a day wasted. I know what your saying about liking myself, but it's difficult when I have done what I have. ( wasted loads of money that should've been saved is currently on my mind and it's one thing I cannot take back at all.)

Basically we went out yesterday as a family, great day, really fun for the kids and for us. But driving back a song came on that always made me think of her and I just sang along and said it always made me think of her. She got upset that I was being pushy, but at the time I didn't even feel that way. I felt like we were a family ( I knew we weren't but just lost myself for a moment ), that's the kind of don't that I mean.

The night before after kids went to bed is when we talked, or I talked really. Just saying the things I missed and the things that I wanted to do for her and the kids. She seemed accepting but untrusting. Ie it's what she wanted, just not sure it's real. She didn't want to be hurt again, she said that. It was nice though, I gave her a massage and she went to bed, no funny business, I really wanted to make her feel nice and relaxed.

So that's what I mean about dos and donts. The line seems blurred, but the humour and laughter etc is there. It's like we lose ourselves and then reality bites and she's upset she lost herself for that time.

I know there's no quick fix, I'm not actually after that. I'd rather wait and give us the best chance of being together long term than jump into bed to break up a week later.