Timing

BrassicWoman

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Your more than entitled to your opinion, but I'm not stalking her. I've met the person I love, and I messed up. I'm trying to make amends and fix myself.

I'm not stalking her, I'm trying to avoid messing up again. Why is that so back?

Your concerns are all about what you want, though, which seems odd when you love someone.

Fix yourself first. Then think about amends. She may be too scared of your temper to say what she really thinks! \You will never know unless you back off.

Confusedandneedhelp

Corelli wrote: »

Hi,

I didn't read your other thread so what I'm seeing here is a man who has made big mistakes, is separated from the mother of his children and deeply regrets his past actions.

Good for you for taking steps to change. I wouldn't expect for her to welcome you back so soon, you've said she sees your actions as being pushy sometimes.

I think concentrate on becoming a person you can respect. Washing up and stuff when you are round there - how about asking her? Say you would like to help and what would she like you to do. Say you don't want to be pushy but you realise that it's hard having the day to day responsibility of the home and children. Then respect her response.

Maybe a reconciliation won't happen for a long time, if at all and perhaps this is also something to bring up during your counselling.

I hope your counselling / therapy starts soon. Is it NHS or private? I ask as NHS provision can be quite limited.

Thanks for your post, really helpful. It's private, as the waiting time was 12 weeks and I just couldn't cope for that long.

I've had initial consultation and now waiting for regular appointment.

I'm just trying to deal with my problems. I love this person, I love my kids. Just want to be a family again. I know not everyone will agree with me but if I don't do my best to get this, I'm not just letting myself down, I'm letting them down again. I do have things to offer, I'm not just a placeholder.

Confusedandneedhelp

BrassicWoman wrote: »

Your concerns are all about what you want, though, which seems odd when you love someone.

Fix yourself first. Then think about amends. She may be too scared of your temper to say what she really thinks! \You will never know unless you back off.

It's also about what I can offer too. I'm not just a placeholder. I know that being a family requires work from me now. But I'm also not completely useless, I work, I'm capable of a lot. I want to give her the house and life she wants.

Sometimes I think wouldn't it be good to reload a previous save and start from there knowing what I now do

Confusedandneedhelp

paulineb wrote: »

I think you may need to accept that the relationship might not be fixable.

Give her space, she needs it and you need it as well even though you dont want it.

See this is what I don't understand. Like I said I deal with feelings differently to the way I see others do it. Why is it not fixable? Why do people hold on to the past so much, but the present and the future is so fickle?

I'm one to talk because I've held onto the past for a long time. I don't understand why I have though. I know opinions may vary on this. But purely from a practical position I know that together we are stronger, financially more stable and generally better off. But emotionally it's a mess, emotionally I've destroyed her. That trust is gone. I just don't get people I think.

Confusedandneedhelp

I know what we had was crap, so why do I feel like I do? I wasn't happy at the end, so why do I feel so crap? Why do I want to try again?

The only answer I have is that love is completely uncontrollable, and I would do anything for her and for those kids.

You're right I do worry she'll meet someone else. Maybe that someone will be better than me, I've not left the bar high. But if we are meant to be should live not be easy? Or is this a challenge that will make us stronger in the end?

Confusedandneedhelp

Let me put it this way, given the choice of waking up next to someone that isn't her or waking up alone, I'd choose alone everytime.

giantmutantbroccoli

I'm not asking anyone to tell me how long this is, because how long is a piece of string? But what signs can I look out for that she's ready to talk about us again?
What are common signs that she may be ready for a relationship?
...
Why is it not fixable? Why do people hold on to the past so much, but the present and the future is so fickle?
...
I know what we had was crap, so why do I feel like I do? I wasn't happy at the end, so why do I feel so crap? Why do I want to try again?
...
But if we are meant to be should live not be easy? Or is this a challenge that will make us stronger in the end?

-Don't rely on interpreting "signs". She's a person, not a puzzle, and it will only make things worse if you get it wrong because you're making assumptions based on something she hasn't explicitly said. Ask her.
-We don't know why it might not be fixable, but the truth is it might not be. People hold onto the past because they know what happened in the past. It's a real thing that you can look at and say "Yes there it is, that's what happened." We don't know what might happen in the future, which makes it fickle. Most people predict the future based on what happened in the past, which I'm guessing is the problem you're coming up against.
-It's your feelings. Only you can answer that question.
-I would give up believing in predestination. There's no such thing as "meant to be", and even happy couples in stable relationships can go through difficult times. Life is not like Disney movies, and very few people go through a completely painless relationship.


These questions that you're asking, none of us can answer. We don't know what your ex is thinking or how she feels, and neither do you. I'd really recommend you try talking to her, ask her some of these questions, and listen to what she says when she answers. Try taking what she says at face value, and don't put your own spin or interpretation on it. You can't guess what she thinks with accuracy, and you don't know how she feels. Talk to her and ask her the questions you need to know.

StuC75

But maybe she's wanting to wake up alone.

As much as this thread has been about what you want, sometime relationships just break and that cannot be undone. You cant make anything happen, we all have free will. Just think of the song "A Little Time", you may feel like want to try again but the other party may just have had enough of "having enough"..

What you have to do is as much as you can for your Children, and think of what you can make of that in the future.

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Let me put it this way, given the choice of waking up next to someone that isn't her or waking up alone, I'd choose alone everytime.

paulineb_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

See this is what I don't understand. Like I said I deal with feelings differently to the way I see others do it. Why is it not fixable? Why do people hold on to the past so much, but the present and the future is so fickle?

I'm one to talk because I've held onto the past for a long time. I don't understand why I have though. I know opinions may vary on this. But purely from a practical position I know that together we are stronger, financially more stable and generally better off. But emotionally it's a mess, emotionally I've destroyed her. That trust is gone. I just don't get people I think.

You've destroyed her emotionally and questioning why it might not be fixable. I think you've answered your own question.

victory

What does a placeholder mean?