Timing

victory

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Thanks.

I know what you mean, I'm very impatient. I'm not panicking per se, I can't force her to like me. I just think every day that goes past is a day wasted. I know what your saying about liking myself, but it's difficult when I have done what I have. ( wasted loads of money that should've been saved is currently on my mind and it's one thing I cannot take back at all.)

Basically we went out yesterday as a family, great day, really fun for the kids and for us. But driving back a song came on that always made me think of her and I just sang along and said it always made me think of her. She got upset that I was being pushy, but at the time I didn't even feel that way. I felt like we were a family ( I knew we weren't but just lost myself for a moment ), that's the kind of don't that I mean.

The night before after kids went to bed is when we talked, or I talked really. Just saying the things I missed and the things that I wanted to do for her and the kids. She seemed accepting but untrusting. Ie it's what she wanted, just not sure it's real. She didn't want to be hurt again, she said that. It was nice though, I gave her a massage and she went to bed, no funny business, I really wanted to make her feel nice and relaxed.

So that's what I mean about dos and donts. The line seems blurred, but the humour and laughter etc is there. It's like we lose ourselves and then reality bites and she's upset she lost herself for that time.

I know there's no quick fix, I'm not actually after that. I'd rather wait and give us the best chance of being together long term than jump into bed to break up a week later.

You really must try to stop coming on so strong, if it is meant to be then it will be and partience, seeing it from her point of view, plenty of understanding and find something else to do, something that keeps your mind busy, so you do not obsess about this one thing, if she sees you active and doing something else that is a positive, you cannot solely rely on this one part of your life

paulineb_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Thanks.

I know what you mean, I'm very impatient. I'm not panicking per se, I can't force her to like me. I just think every day that goes past is a day wasted. I know what your saying about liking myself, but it's difficult when I have done what I have. ( wasted loads of money that should've been saved is currently on my mind and it's one thing I cannot take back at all.)

Basically we went out yesterday as a family, great day, really fun for the kids and for us. But driving back a song came on that always made me think of her and I just sang along and said it always made me think of her. She got upset that I was being pushy, but at the time I didn't even feel that way. I felt like we were a family ( I knew we weren't but just lost myself for a moment ), that's the kind of don't that I mean.

The night before after kids went to bed is when we talked, or I talked really. Just saying the things I missed and the things that I wanted to do for her and the kids. She seemed accepting but untrusting. Ie it's what she wanted, just not sure it's real. She didn't want to be hurt again, she said that. It was nice though, I gave her a massage and she went to bed, no funny business, I really wanted to make her feel nice and relaxed.

So that's what I mean about dos and donts. The line seems blurred, but the humour and laughter etc is there. It's like we lose ourselves and then reality bites and she's upset she lost herself for that time.

I know there's no quick fix, I'm not actually after that. I'd rather wait and give us the best chance of being together long term than jump into bed to break up a week later.

She mentioned the word pushy, thats how you come across in some of your posts. To be honest some of your posts seem to suggest that you have reasons for behaving the way you do, but she's taken the brunt of your behaviour. You mentioned in another post that you arent controlling but you want to be in control. You've checked her phone, you've jumped to conclusions about other things.

I think you are possibly trying to push you and her back together incase she meets someone else before you reconcile.

You give her space, if she wants you to be a family she'll come round in her own good time. I think personally that you've let her down big time. All the massages in the world dont make up for poor treatment. Maybe you've had a wake up call now that you aren't together anymore, but I echo the sentiments of the poster that said that you need to prove your worth over time before you even consider getting back together.

You need to sort your life out first and foremost, getting back with her wont fix you, only you can do that.

Confusedandneedhelp

You're right, I have let her down majorly.

My issues won't disappear over night and having reasons for my behaviour is not a excuse, she did take the brunt and all because she actually cared about me.

I'll give her space and time and just continue being there for the kids. Some basic advise though please.

I know she struggles at home, raising 3 kids alone is hard, I want to help, should I?

For example should I tidy up, wash dishes, general tasks? Is this too much to interfere or is this assistance useful?

She wants proof I'm changing, how do I do this without doing it so she can see? That's what I don't get.

cbrown372

If it was your ex asking for advice, I'd tell her to run and run as far away from you as possible. You are stalking her, leave her alone.

Were people loosing interest in your other thread that you felt you needed to start a new one and embellish your story?

Corelli

Hi,

I didn't read your other thread so what I'm seeing here is a man who has made big mistakes, is separated from the mother of his children and deeply regrets his past actions.

Good for you for taking steps to change. I wouldn't expect for her to welcome you back so soon, you've said she sees your actions as being pushy sometimes.

I think concentrate on becoming a person you can respect. Washing up and stuff when you are round there - how about asking her? Say you would like to help and what would she like you to do. Say you don't want to be pushy but you realise that it's hard having the day to day responsibility of the home and children. Then respect her response.

Maybe a reconciliation won't happen for a long time, if at all and perhaps this is also something to bring up during your counselling.

I hope your counselling / therapy starts soon. Is it NHS or private? I ask as NHS provision can be quite limited.

victory

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

You're right, I have let her down majorly.

My issues won't disappear over night and having reasons for my behaviour is not a excuse, she did take the brunt and all because she actually cared about me.

I'll give her space and time and just continue being there for the kids. Some basic advise though please.

I know she struggles at home, raising 3 kids alone is hard, I want to help, should I?

For example should I tidy up, wash dishes, general tasks? Is this too much to interfere or is this assistance useful?

She wants proof I'm changing, how do I do this without doing it so she can see? That's what I don't get.

Try to stop with the 'me' the 'I did this and that' yes you did, yes you are to blame for x y z but you are going to counselling, you are dealing with things head on so now think about what you can change to make it a 'we' to improve the 'us' if there is to be any partnership, 50/50, relationship, you did things in the past that maybe are unforgiveable, that maybe will take a long time to get over and get the trust back, work on the present day, the here and now and what you can do to make it all better, you will never make it go away, it will not be forgotten, it will always be a problem but it can become less of one but both of you have to want that, you cannot force it.

Has she asked for help? Does she want you to take care of the kids? Do the washing up? Or have you decided to do it to 'earn brownie points'?

Patience and time, patience and time

victory

cbrown372 wrote: »

If it was your ex asking for advice, I'd tell her to run and run as far away from you as possible. You are stalking her, leave her alone.

Were people loosing interest in your other thread that you felt you needed to start a new one and embellish your story?

Bit harsh??:o

cbrown372

victory wrote: »

Bit harsh??:o

true though?

Confusedandneedhelp

cbrown372 wrote: »

true though?

Your more than entitled to your opinion, but I'm not stalking her. I've met the person I love, and I messed up. I'm trying to make amends and fix myself.

I'm not stalking her, I'm trying to avoid messing up again. Why is that so back?

paulineb_2

I think you may need to accept that the relationship might not be fixable.

Give her space, she needs it and you need it as well even though you dont want it.