Timing

Confusedandneedhelp

victory wrote: »

What I don't get is you feel that you are what she has always wanted, she had you but according to your own words, you behaved badly and were terrible towards her? So you lost her, broke her heart, made her mistrust you and now she is so hurt she doesn't want to risk it again with you but you say now she has had to endure all of that you have changed and now you are going to be what she always wanted?

Why were you not at the beginning?

I have a lot of trust and abandonment issues, I never got sorted out. In turn I never put my trust or lotLty into her and us. I do love her, I just messed up so badly. I wish I hadn't, I wish I'd been the man I wanted and she wanted from the start.

victory wrote: »

Also what's in it for her? What does she really want? Can she forgive you? Trust you again? Ever person is imperfect and you are addressing yours but has more damage than good been made, is it survivable?

I don't know if it salvageable.

paulineb_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

I have a lot of trust and abandonment issues, I never got sorted out. In turn I never put my trust or lotLty into her and us. I do love her, I just messed up so badly. I wish I hadn't, I wish I'd been the man I wanted and she wanted from the start.



I don't know if it salvageable.

But you had 3 kids, you were together for some time. Its not a good sign that you have 3 kids and a long term relationship with someone and you treat them poorly.

You have a lot of making up to her to do it would seem.

Actions speak louder than words.

Confusedandneedhelp

justme111 wrote: »

What would you do if she went off with someone else ? Would you been civil with her , good with kids ? If not then all your change is a pretence.your best chance to prove you are different is if she went with someone else and you accepted it. I been in a very similar situation to her , I replied in your other thread bit you don't seem to listen. The moment I knew i am not going back with my ex was when i had a fling and he blue the gasket , that's after a year of separation ! Until you see her as your property she , if she has a modicum of intelligence , will keep you away and don't bbelieve your talk . You see ever day without her as a lost day , the sure sign you are not ready. I am not sure you will be any time soon judging by your posts.

She's not my property, but I think what ur saying is quite one sided. Ofcourse I wouldn't be happy if she got with someone else. Yes if be civil because of the kids, but anyone who has feelings for anyone would be hurt to see them with someone else, nothing to do with property

Confusedandneedhelp

paulineb wrote: »

But you had 3 kids, you were together for some time. Its not a good sign that you have 3 kids and a long term relationship with someone and you treat them poorly.

You have a lot of making up to her to do it would seem.

Actions speak louder than words.

We were together 3 years. She had 2 kids already, I'm the only dad they ever known.

I agree it's not good. It's not much of an excuse, but my dad left when I was younger, after helping himself to all the money in my kids for the future account. I didn't have an adolescence of chasing girls or socialising. My mum was very controlling. She cared in sure but didn't show it very well. I've not known true love from anybody for a long time, and people who are supposed to care left me high and dry. That's after spending 5 years beating my mum and me up

I wanted to trust her but I used to hide my emotions with drink and some drugs. That obviously all stopped when I got with her. Those anxieties and emotions started to surface. I'd never faced up to them, I didn't know who to believe her or myself. I chose wrongly. It's not something I'm proud of.

paulineb_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

We were together 3 years. She had 2 kids already, I'm the only dad they ever known.

I agree it's not good. It's not much of an excuse, but my dad left when I was younger, after helping himself to all the money in my kids for the future account. I didn't have an adolescence of chasing girls or socialising. My mum was very controlling. She cared in sure but didn't show it very well. I've not known true love from anybody for a long time, and people who are supposed to care left me high and dry. That's after spending 5 years beating my mum and me up

I wanted to trust her but I used to hide my emotions with drink and some drugs. That obviously all stopped when I got with her. Those anxieties and emotions started to surface. I'd never faced up to them, I didn't know who to believe her or myself. I chose wrongly. It's not something I'm proud of.

Life is hard for a lot of people, there are many on this forum who have had tough family lives.

Its how you deal with the future that matters. And what kind of family life you pass onto those kids as well, whether you stay with your ex partner or you go your separate ways.

There are different kinds of counselling out there, its about finding the one who suits you best.

My dad left when I was 4 and Ive not seen him since and Im almost 15 years older than you, I know its not easy.

But you have the power to make your life better for yourself and everyone else around you, sometimes people arent who they should be even if they are supposed to love and care for us, sometimes they dont and thats the harsh reality.

My own father has a son who has always lived with him and who he acknowledges, he doesnt do the same for me.

I suspect there are millions of people in exactly the same position, the facts are, you can let the past drag you down or you can appreciate the people who do love you and care for you.

Some life experiences are more than a sore one to take and you maybe never get over things fully, but you can make your life a better one, thats all any of us can do.

BrassicWoman

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

She's not my property, but I think what ur saying is quite one sided. Ofcourse I wouldn't be happy if she got with someone else. Yes if be civil because of the kids, but anyone who has feelings for anyone would be hurt to see them with someone else, nothing to do with property

You still care about your happiness more than hers, then.

When that changes, you'll know what love is.

sportbeth

I don't know the entire background to this but it would suggest that you add up all the time when you behaved badly, then give her double that time to see that you've changed.

My ex had an affair that went on for 9 months and gas lighted me the whole time. Then when he talked me into staying he expected me to get back to normal in 2 months. I think we all know how that story ended.

You've got to give her a fair amount of time to recover emotionally, process everything and then see for herself that you've changed. If you treated her like toilet paper for 1 month give her 2. If it was 9 months give her 18. It's the right way to let her recover and make the right decision for her and your kids

delain

For goodness sake OP, LEAVE HER ALONE!

She may or may not want to reconcile in the future.

I have an ex (fwiw he was abusive and I don't think you are) and he was constantly pushing to get back together every time I had to see him because of the kids.

All he achieved was that to this day he makes my skin crawl _pale_:wall:

Just trying to explain that your pushing and giving her time (but on your timetable not hers) you'll just be pushing her away. and it comes of as quite controlling.

Confusedandneedhelp

Everyone is saying the same thing. I should be listening. And I'm sure if I was a 3rd party I'd be saying the same thing as you are right now.

It just hurts.

Today I was shockingly bad. In my own head I mean. I walked out of work and almost burst into tears.

Now I'm round looking after the kids whilst she goes out. My heart is saying trust her ( I appreciate she owes me absolutely nothing ), but my stupid head has all these ideas about her meeting some fella I don't know about.

And on the flip side she's been really nice and offered to lend me my rent money ( I get paid one day after it's due, just bad timing). And I'm like, why is she being nice to me, she's supposed to hate my guts.

And to be honest all I really want is to just walk away from it all for a while. ( obviously I can't walk away from my kids ). If you are all right, and I'm going to presume you are. Then the best thing I can do is let her be for a while. Ok fair enough, I accept that.

It's not like any other relationship where u can just close the door with a big F U. We have to see eachother.

Anyway I messed up, I rang her earlier and told her exactly how I felt - I told her about wanting to be a family and everything that goes with that. She didn't just hang up though, she listened to me. We got cut short and haven't picked up the conversation. But it's worse than any other break up I've been thru. The other times is just simple to walk away. Here I'm constantly reminded about what I could've had.

Your right I'm not the first, nor the last person to go through stuff like this. I just wish I had one nice day in the past god knows how long where I actually felt good about myself. It's a constant reminder of how much of a !!!! I was.

paulineb_2

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Everyone is saying the same thing. I should be listening. And I'm sure if I was a 3rd party I'd be saying the same thing as you are right now.

It just hurts.

Today I was shockingly bad. In my own head I mean. I walked out of work and almost burst into tears.

Now I'm round looking after the kids whilst she goes out. My heart is saying trust her ( I appreciate she owes me absolutely nothing ), but my stupid head has all these ideas about her meeting some fella I don't know about.

And on the flip side she's been really nice and offered to lend me my rent money ( I get paid one day after it's due, just bad timing). And I'm like, why is she being nice to me, she's supposed to hate my guts.

And to be honest all I really want is to just walk away from it all for a while. ( obviously I can't walk away from my kids ). If you are all right, and I'm going to presume you are. Then the best thing I can do is let her be for a while. Ok fair enough, I accept that.

It's not like any other relationship where u can just close the door with a big F U. We have to see eachother.

Anyway I messed up, I rang her earlier and told her exactly how I felt - I told her about wanting to be a family and everything that goes with that. She didn't just hang up though, she listened to me. We got cut short and haven't picked up the conversation. But it's worse than any other break up I've been thru. The other times is just simple to walk away. Here I'm constantly reminded about what I could've had.

Your right I'm not the first, nor the last person to go through stuff like this. I just wish I had one nice day in the past god knows how long where I actually felt good about myself. It's a constant reminder of how much of a !!!! I was.

Leave her be. Stop the conversations of wanting to get back together.

You had plenty time to stop treating her badly when you were with her and you didnt.

Work on yourself, if she forgives you in time, fine but stop putting pressure on her and if she is dating someone else, that's her right, you arent together.

I get the feeling that no matter what people say on here, you are still going to keep asking her to talk about getting back together, you really do risk driving her away for good if you dont give her some space.